i started this blog about a week ago....just didnt feel right to me. yesterday i found out that i had lost yet another friend, and i decided to scrap the entire post. many of you who are reading this most likely feel much of the way i do...helpless, sad, and frustrated.
that helpless feeling i believe is the worst...i personally know that i couldnt have done anything...its an understanding that is in no means easy to do, but is very much the truth! frankly you just cant complete with addiction, and now i only speak from my own battle with substance abuse but i know that no one was ever going to be able to help me. the anger that pours from me is sickening! so badly do i want to scream what an epidemic this drug has become...dont get me wrong i know that they have always been here but its getting worse, heroin wasnt in the schools like they are today! and even worse is the kids that are selling it have no idea what they are playing with...but what can u tell a 16 year old today, prolly the same thing u could of told me at that age...not a damn thing! so where do we go from here? do we sit back and watch our loved ones get picked off one by one, im sick of losing this battle. and i dont believe that it can be won on a whole but maybe it can be won on a individual level...thats the only hope that i have!
Now please dont get me wrong im not trying to sound as if i have the world figured out...i most certainly do not...but i dont know what else to do besides write. to give u an idea of how fucked up this world of addiction is....i actually got a craving or trigger(what ever u want to call it) last night about a hour after i found out. why? im not really sure but i did...so much of my recovery is attempting to avoid drugs or the drug at all costs and boom there it was in my face with all its power! so yea thats how truly fucked up it is, i just found out a friend died and the first thing that came to my head, without my own control was using again! and i actually craved that same power. thats where the insanity comes in...the addiction can not be explained unless u have been there and lived it. this is all i know to do when i feel that way is to write and talk about it! so yea to look at me and think i have this all figured out... would be plain stupid...im just trying to shed light on what this addiction can do and how it never does go away!
really somethings never do change....and for that iam grateful! see i wouldnt ever look at this fight as a negative thing, for there is always going to be evil and bad things that lie ahead...i believe everyone knows that in one way or another! so does that mean we all just give up? or does it mean we come together for a common cause and common good, something to stand as one and say that this struggle will not define us as a whole or as a community! we need to pull together and show that this evil will not break us, that to many people are now being affected by this problem....everyone thinks that we live in such a innocent town! yes it is true i think where we live and grew up is amazing, in fact i wouldnt want to have grown up anywhere else....but lets keep it real and admit that we have big city problems! that some kids from the suburbs can run shit just the same as any kid growing up in the hood can....yes of course the differences are there but the underlining problem is not....this problem does not care who u r, where u grew up, or what color ur skin is! it has no boundary, all it knows how to do is to destroy and it will continue to until we all as a whole admit that we have a problem in our community! i feel like so many people are so afraid to say that this doesnt happen in OUR town, its just this kid who smoked weed in high school or the kid that had a rough up bringing! well if u have seen the people who i have, do the things that ive done then u already know, that this is everywhere and sure as hell, is a problem in this Small and friendly town! see its not the problem itself that hurts me so much its that so many people view these happenings as single events...because this is bigger than all of us! this is happening and has been happening for a long time now....believe me i know! hell i used to be part of the problem!! but its that very pretending that hurts this problem, thinking that it will all just go away. its something that needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with. is it uncomfortable? hell yea it is...but so is talking about sexual assault or cancer...no one wants it to happen but dammit it does and we as human beings cant not sit back and watch it spread out of control.
this is how i start doing my part and even if my part is just to help myself at least im not apart of the problem anymore..iam going into bay port in this next month to tell my story...to tell kids that ur right....weed and drinking may not lead to heroin or the other drugs, but it did with me. now my political views on marijuana have never changed but for me i know that i can never go back to just smoking because it would never stop there. some people can have productive lives using...im not one of them. but never at 15 years old did i think i would be a junkie....no kid ever wants to grow up to be a junkie and i certainly was not one of them either...but i did, that drug kicked my ass and now here i am 27 years old starting over 100%! and im one of the lucky ones!!!!
change needs to happen, if ur like me and love this place we call home and the people in it, we need to start informing the youth of what is out there and what we have all lost in one form or another!
im gona be apart of the solution not the problem....what about u?!?!
WILL SOMETHINGS EVER CHANGE?!?!?
R.I.P. Matt O....... u will forever be missed!
Always,
Douglas
