Home and what it means....

"I Feel Home"

There are few things pure in this world anymore,
and home is one of the few.
We'd have a drink outside,
maybe run and hide if we saw a couple men in blue.
To me it's so damn easy to see
that true people are the people at home.
Well, I've been away but now I'm back today,
and there ain't a place I'd rather go.
I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own.
I feel home,
when I'm chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real.

Feeling alright, heading out tonight,
maybe out to a dark driveway.
I say now some feel bored,
and some are looking for more.
Well, we all just decide to stay.
We got nothing to do,
and I look at you
I see something that I know and love.
and with the crack of a smile we all stay a while
we know from home there ain't nothing above.

Well in the end we can all call a friend
well that's something I know as true.
And then a thousand years and a thousand tears
I'll come finding my original crew

cause to me throughout eternity
there's somewhere where you're welcome to go
I said it's something free that means a lot to me
when I'm with my friends I feel home.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home,
when I'm chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real

I feel home.

lyrics by o.a.r.


To be home is amazing...to have people in my life that I pushed away so long ago. Family, friends, even people that i didnt know i had affected. Everyday is a test, trials and tribulations...nothing is easy but i finally understand that its not supposed to be. its reality...im finally living not just existing im apart of the free world. i payed my debt to society and yet i feel as if i havnt done enough. the people i hurt, my victims....i know the only way ill be able to repay that debt is to move forward with with life in a positive way. be responsible and not hurt the ones i love.  i have this feeling that my past will always hang over my head and maybe in a lot of ways it should. all i want is to be able to speak and not have the shadow of doubt held over my head. it will be my actions that gain me that respect...this i know.
i have people in my life that show and help me everyday. its those few that make this journey all worth it.  i have the up most respect for them.  i feel alive, i feel like douglas again. these writing are just that now...they are my way to truly feel..when i write it becomes clear, the path that i want to live. i want that happiness, do i know what that happiness entails? no i dont but i know what it doesnt entail. i dont need all the material things that i used to chase. life is simpler than that, i do know that i want security, family, and structure....yes structure. to be normal as i can.. but what is normal? im a 27 year old 5 time felon, starting over. can i ever live "normal"? i believe so, i dont think that think that i have to be defined as the ex junkie and convict! now it will always be apart of me and that i wouldnt change. my life has molded me into what iam...and i like who iam..we should all live and like who we are.
i know that im home i feel it everyday...whether its driving past bay port or hearing a song that touches my soul. i love this town, so many great memories. its all of u people that has given that to me. ive let go of many of my past resentments i know that it just poisions me! does nothing but hold me back, so today i let it all go and move forward. my years of using drugs were some of the best of my life, that i cant deny but one day i woke up and the fun wasnt there anymore, by that time i couldnt stop!  i knew my life was crumbling around me but i still refused to get help. i just didnt want it, change scared me i couldnt imagine living sober. could i ever have fun again, could i ever coupe with my issues? it wasnt till i finally had it in my life did i see the beauty of it. i could feel...happiness, saddness, even anger it all felt good again. ive been told that ur only as sick as the secrets you keep and that couldnt be more true!  ive delt with things....things that i thought were in the past...my fathers suicide was a big one...it had been years so i thought that i didnt need to talk about it. truth was i never dealt with it. i had so many abandonment  issues, self worth issues. see as children we can be very self centered and grandious. i truly thought that my father killed himself because i wasnt good enough. never realizing that he was sick, sick with the same addiction that i now face. he chose heroin over his only son, years later i chose the same drug over my loved ones. finally understanding the true love that i felt. heroin was the only thing that i was ever truly loyal too. i loved that drug like i never loved anyone. it made the world alright, it made the world pretty and bright to me. while blinding me to the fact that i was creating a wave of destruction in my choices! yet when i was high i didnt see it! god what a loser i was! fuck i just want to scream...the anger i now feel...the hate i have in my heart for that drug or is it for myself? i thought i was the man plain and simple. i had this, i could control it, handle it. never let it do, what it did to him! not until i had the rope around my neck did i see how far i had fallen. wishing that i could have my fathers peace! now i live for the fact that i can have my peace, i just have to let go of my resentments, let go of the fact that my fathers death had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him!  just like my own addiction had nothing to do with him...i did it for me because i loved the high!  even today it calls my name, hell i can still taste the last time i was with it! i know i have another high in me...i just dont have another recovery in me...thats the fear that i hold on to. i feel as if its a healthy fear, i know right where it will take me. i will go right back to the sneaky, self centered, and selfish person that i was for so many years. its that drive that pushes me everyday. i was emotionaly and spirituly broken, i had died in both those respects, only wishing for the physical death. a death that wasnt to be.... i was to take the long way back to life, to sit my time and bust my ass every step of the way.
those small things that i used to write about are now my reality and they are just as great as those nights i used to spend alone in my cell. those nights i would write and have tears splatter on the paper as i sat and poured my heart out on paper. just hoping someone would hear my screams, to know just how sorry i was for becoming the monster that i was. finally feeling and regaining a grasp on my life. yelling at the top of my lungs for a second chance and yet trying my best not to sound like a bitch who was having a pitty party for myself! being fully aware that everyone has troubles and problems in there life. knowing that i had no excuse for my actions because those actions were complety on me, no one else, not my past, not the drugs but on me! today...as i see the things for the first time again, i feel the peace i have been searching for. i got my second chance and it will not all be in vain. my work is not done, its only begun...thats what puts a smille on my face! i understand that my worst day sober is still better than my best day using!
while i was at bootcamp i wrote a letter saying good bye to my love....saying good bye to heroin. as i wrote i felt like i was loosing my best friend all over again..i spilled my guts that day and as i read the words in group tears came to my eyes.....this is what i wrote...........

Dear Heroin (or as you were to me...my chinito, my capricorn, my goat),
what a dysfunctional relationship you and i have had over the years. i can honestly say youve been my one and only love for over a decade. a love so strong that you came before me and everyone else in my life. you are the one thing in my life that i have been 100% honest and loyal to. you know my darkest secrets and inner most fears. i had a bond with u that i thought would never break, a bond more scared than marriage. when it came to you and i, it was literally "till death do us part".
im now starting to see powers both greater than you or i, are at work. that power is in recovery, a recovery and strength so strong that it can mend the soul...it gave me a new look at life. a life where ur claws are not firmly dug into my back.
in writing this letter, i have a wide rang of emotions. alot of which are anger, an anger that has built up over the past years of being powerless over you. the helplessness of not being able to say goodbye to you....even if i wanted to. thats where the saddness comes in, i never wanted to stop, i never wanted you out of my life. you were my best friend, it was you that made life alright. i used to always say "you werent the problem, the problem was when i didnt have u". i do miss and think of you everyday. its a strange feeling to wake up and not put a needle in my arm....hell im even lonely without you. i feel lonely because i now deal with life on lifes terms....and frankly it sucks! i even hate it! i know that their is a life out there that i can be happy with. but, with the last 30 months of my sobriety, ive had much more struggle and hardships. some days feel like a hopeless fight....responsibilties, feelings, doing the right thing! why did i sign up for this? hadnt i loved my life before? isnt that why i stuck with u all those years? no, the fact was that i wasnt living, i only exsited or survived. the life with you was just a lie, a lie that i so desperatly tried to keep because i didnt want to face the fact that i was even lieing to myself. that has been the struggle that i speak of, not only did i lie but i believed my own lies. thats where the sickness is. i wasnt willing to ask the hard questions in life, i didnt ask because the answer would just be bullshit anyways."ask no questions and ill tell no lies" what a messed up motto, what a messed up life! it was a lie that i would fight for though. not wanting to give it up, even today. its a new life that i try to grasp onto. a sober life, that i hold onto like a lifejacket attempting not to drown. that reason comes from only one thing....fear, the fear of change.
i dont want to struggle anymore. i want to recover, i want you out of my life forever....HA! there i go again, attempting to lie to myself again.... i dont want u gone forever, thats a stamement that im in no way ready to make...YET!  i do know that i want u gone for today...for now ill take that and use it to build a foundation in my recovery.
i cant believe how long its been since u were last in my life. i can still remember the last time...i can taste it! i start to sweat just thinking of u...the beauty that i saw it as. the love i felt, i cant continue to go there. i must think of the atrosities that i did, the victims i created and my family that i hurt. so for today...and i pray tomorrow, that u wont return! for, i now see a life worth living. and that life starts and ends with recovery. its a life that will bring me happiness and something to be truly proud of! i know the scars that u have left me with both physical and emotional...but i was strong enough to finally walk away. no longer do u control me, im in control of my own fate and the path i pursue... u cant take that from me..i now strive for greatness and i promise ill make it, just watch and see!

good bye,
Douglas

that was writin about 3 months ago...now three months is not alot of time...but my transitional period has been huge. im out of prison living everyday as a sober man.  does it still call to me? yes it does! it will forever and the day i let my guard down, will be the day that it takes me. i had someone read this before it was posted and she looked at me with fear in her eyes after reading it....plainly...it scared her. a fear that is justified. see, i dont say these words to scare anyone that cares for me..i speak them because thats just the way it is. but today as i go into the sunshine...i feel a different feeling...its the type of feeling u get when u walk at night with nothing but the moon and stars in the sky. or when u look into the eyes of someone u love! ITS THE SMALL THINGS! that part hasnt changed. i can hear a song or even smell something that takes me back to my days using, but i dont have that constant nagging on my neck. my days have been hectic yet peaceful since ive been home. everyday i feel more complete, like i said im not a changed man, im a changing man. so as i go forward and deal with my demons... u dont have that worry...i dont! i know what i want, i know that im capable of. doubt can be very motivating and thats what i use it as...nothing more just my drive in life.  i dont want the high anymore but its just a fact i will forever be an addict, forever that wont change. just the way it is, wish it wasnt but it is. moving forward is all i need to do, the rest will play out like its supposed to......so have some faith and smile.

always,
Douglas

I Finally made it HOME!!

Damn, putting this together with out a pen and paper...i feel like im out of my element. Been home two weeks now, as scary as it is..i feel good. im back in the world dealing with the good and bad.
the emotions that i felt have been overwelming. the first night out, i got stuck in the soda section at the grocery store for the longest time, i dont even drink soda but im looking and  there i was looking at  15 new flavors that i never tried! the first days out were hard, i had this anxiety that was out of this world...i knew that i wasnt doing anything wrong but it was still hard. i lived a certain way for so long, living to protect myself at all times and at all costs...some shit is hard to change! within a few days that anxiety eased, my family played a big part in that...friends too. that judgment wasnt there, the only judgment i felt was from myself...the things i did, the people i hurt, the ones i abandoned,,,i was a piece a shit junkie that only cared about one thing..getting high. yet no one held that against me.i
then came the nite i had to call the police...i had abby and tyler over, they left around 2, a minute later they were back at my door saying u gota call the police!! my first reaction was,,, what the fuck? i do not call the police,speciallly not to come into my house, but a woman that had some mental disorder was in trouble,walking the streets of suamico with pjs and bare feet, this woman needed help. so i called 911 and had the police come, thank god i had people there because all that anxiety came back..full force. i sat on the couch shaking like a leaf, it was just another step in the right direction....i was doing the right thing, being responsible, not something that im used to. she got the help that she needed and they left and for once i didnt leave with them in the back of a squad car.
holidays came and went...lots of tears and even more laughs, i missed 2 holiday seasons in prison and who know how many during my addiction, i never liked xmas,,always reminded me of my dad and really it was just another excuse to get smaked out, it was life sucks so fuck life ill get high,,again pushing those who love me away. being selfish and not understanding what i was doing to those who loved me. this holiday i was able to laugh and enjoy others, i got to talk to my grandmother in washington, a woman who, i like everyone else pushed away so long ago, but she stood by my side also, being a pen pal in prison, i was able to rebuild a relationship with her, as some of you know my grandmother passed this morning,,i got to hear my grandmother shed tears of joy about having her grandson home,,and i was free, i was clean, i told her i was doing well without the shame of a lie shadowing my voice, she stayed strong long enough to hear my voice as a free man...the impact that, that now has on me is amazing. i have someone standing by my fathers side saying"look our boy is home",,,haha i miss u dad, i love u grandma,,,and yes ur right ur boy is home and please belive me when i say im happy....truly happy,
im not fighting my sobriety, im embracing everything about it,,,the good, the bad, and the ugly, do i think about getting high? yes everyday and thats ok im sober today and pray that i will be tomorrow,
my mom, my rock,,,i catch her looking at me like she is looking at me for the first time,,,in many ways she is,,she looks at me in a way that i dont understand,,,her love is unconditional,,maybe its because i dont have kids of my own, but its a very sureal thing,,the fear is gone from her eyes. it may still live in her heart but that i do get because im the only one who knows how bad it was...the monster that i had become was nothing nice, the things i did to feed my arms were insane,,,no one was safe, including her, infact she had some of the worst treatment of my actions,,,,it was that unconditional love that i took advatage of,,,knowing that all she ever wanted for me was my own happiness,,even if that meant taking her down with me, some call it enabling,,maybe thats what it was but i was a master manipulator and i had every lie and excuse,,,willing to go to any length to get drugs, and i used everyone of them....even after exposing myself to the lengths of my deception,,,she still stood with me, unconditional love,,,its one hell of a force,,,a mothers love is like no other, i thank my higher power everyday for giving me her as a mother, i love u mom and im not going anywhere,
ive come home to a world where my little brothers and now my bigger brothers,,,,isnt that a bitch! not to mention i have a lil sister who is the sweetest thing anyone could ask for,,shes 13 and has her priorities together like no one else, she focused, she has drive and she has love for her big bro!! these kids are so damn amazing...they bring me back to a simpler time in my life, for as old as they make me feel at times,,,they sure do keep me young,,i would love if they left all the prison jokes alone one of these days but i guess i deserve that too.  i can never express in words how sorry i am for abandoning them during their teenage years...the embarresment i put on them to have a junkie brother that dishonered their name, and yet they make me feel as i never left,,,they are the ones who let me know what forgiviness is all about,,how holding resentments do nothing but put a poison into urself ,,,they r bigger than that,,,they do what they need to and enjoy life,,,just like a child should,,i just pray that my own mistakes werent in vain, that they can pull the postive out of my failures...and learn from them, it was something that i myself could not do...i spit in the face of wisdom and said that im gona do it my way,
but now im on a new path im back,,,
im doing what needs to be done,,,just like the song "im not afraid" says,,,,,and i just cant keep living this way, so starting today im breaking out of this cage,im standing up im gona face my demons, im maning up im gona hold my ground, ive had enough im so feed up! im gona put my life back together right now! it was my decision to get clean, i did it for ME! admittiedly i probably did it sublimely did it for U!!!!
i did this to have a life again,,,a life that i can be proud of, i dont want what i once had, i want structure and security,,,i want joy and love,,family and friends! ones that want to see me successed not fail, not fall but to be happy for ones happiness, haha its back to those little things...remember those little things!! yea it time to take time for the little things,,,take it from someone who has been humbled in everyway,,knocked off his high horse,,whatever u want to call it,,,just take time to enjoy whats important in life,,,family and friends,  find that happiness inside u!! im not even saying that ive found it myself,,,but im beginning to understand what it is,,for the first time in my life i dont live for today, im planning for tomorrow and even more im excited for tomorrow!
its a new day and no one knows what its gona bring,,,good, bad, or ugly im excited,,,,,
thank u to everyone,,,,u all know who u are!

as always,,,,stay positive!
always douglas