I Finally made it HOME!!

Damn, putting this together with out a pen and paper...i feel like im out of my element. Been home two weeks now, as scary as it is..i feel good. im back in the world dealing with the good and bad.
the emotions that i felt have been overwelming. the first night out, i got stuck in the soda section at the grocery store for the longest time, i dont even drink soda but im looking and  there i was looking at  15 new flavors that i never tried! the first days out were hard, i had this anxiety that was out of this world...i knew that i wasnt doing anything wrong but it was still hard. i lived a certain way for so long, living to protect myself at all times and at all costs...some shit is hard to change! within a few days that anxiety eased, my family played a big part in that...friends too. that judgment wasnt there, the only judgment i felt was from myself...the things i did, the people i hurt, the ones i abandoned,,,i was a piece a shit junkie that only cared about one thing..getting high. yet no one held that against me.i
then came the nite i had to call the police...i had abby and tyler over, they left around 2, a minute later they were back at my door saying u gota call the police!! my first reaction was,,, what the fuck? i do not call the police,speciallly not to come into my house, but a woman that had some mental disorder was in trouble,walking the streets of suamico with pjs and bare feet, this woman needed help. so i called 911 and had the police come, thank god i had people there because all that anxiety came back..full force. i sat on the couch shaking like a leaf, it was just another step in the right direction....i was doing the right thing, being responsible, not something that im used to. she got the help that she needed and they left and for once i didnt leave with them in the back of a squad car.
holidays came and went...lots of tears and even more laughs, i missed 2 holiday seasons in prison and who know how many during my addiction, i never liked xmas,,always reminded me of my dad and really it was just another excuse to get smaked out, it was life sucks so fuck life ill get high,,again pushing those who love me away. being selfish and not understanding what i was doing to those who loved me. this holiday i was able to laugh and enjoy others, i got to talk to my grandmother in washington, a woman who, i like everyone else pushed away so long ago, but she stood by my side also, being a pen pal in prison, i was able to rebuild a relationship with her, as some of you know my grandmother passed this morning,,i got to hear my grandmother shed tears of joy about having her grandson home,,and i was free, i was clean, i told her i was doing well without the shame of a lie shadowing my voice, she stayed strong long enough to hear my voice as a free man...the impact that, that now has on me is amazing. i have someone standing by my fathers side saying"look our boy is home",,,haha i miss u dad, i love u grandma,,,and yes ur right ur boy is home and please belive me when i say im happy....truly happy,
im not fighting my sobriety, im embracing everything about it,,,the good, the bad, and the ugly, do i think about getting high? yes everyday and thats ok im sober today and pray that i will be tomorrow,
my mom, my rock,,,i catch her looking at me like she is looking at me for the first time,,,in many ways she is,,she looks at me in a way that i dont understand,,,her love is unconditional,,maybe its because i dont have kids of my own, but its a very sureal thing,,the fear is gone from her eyes. it may still live in her heart but that i do get because im the only one who knows how bad it was...the monster that i had become was nothing nice, the things i did to feed my arms were insane,,,no one was safe, including her, infact she had some of the worst treatment of my actions,,,,it was that unconditional love that i took advatage of,,,knowing that all she ever wanted for me was my own happiness,,even if that meant taking her down with me, some call it enabling,,maybe thats what it was but i was a master manipulator and i had every lie and excuse,,,willing to go to any length to get drugs, and i used everyone of them....even after exposing myself to the lengths of my deception,,,she still stood with me, unconditional love,,,its one hell of a force,,,a mothers love is like no other, i thank my higher power everyday for giving me her as a mother, i love u mom and im not going anywhere,
ive come home to a world where my little brothers and now my bigger brothers,,,,isnt that a bitch! not to mention i have a lil sister who is the sweetest thing anyone could ask for,,shes 13 and has her priorities together like no one else, she focused, she has drive and she has love for her big bro!! these kids are so damn amazing...they bring me back to a simpler time in my life, for as old as they make me feel at times,,,they sure do keep me young,,i would love if they left all the prison jokes alone one of these days but i guess i deserve that too.  i can never express in words how sorry i am for abandoning them during their teenage years...the embarresment i put on them to have a junkie brother that dishonered their name, and yet they make me feel as i never left,,,they are the ones who let me know what forgiviness is all about,,how holding resentments do nothing but put a poison into urself ,,,they r bigger than that,,,they do what they need to and enjoy life,,,just like a child should,,i just pray that my own mistakes werent in vain, that they can pull the postive out of my failures...and learn from them, it was something that i myself could not do...i spit in the face of wisdom and said that im gona do it my way,
but now im on a new path im back,,,
im doing what needs to be done,,,just like the song "im not afraid" says,,,,,and i just cant keep living this way, so starting today im breaking out of this cage,im standing up im gona face my demons, im maning up im gona hold my ground, ive had enough im so feed up! im gona put my life back together right now! it was my decision to get clean, i did it for ME! admittiedly i probably did it sublimely did it for U!!!!
i did this to have a life again,,,a life that i can be proud of, i dont want what i once had, i want structure and security,,,i want joy and love,,family and friends! ones that want to see me successed not fail, not fall but to be happy for ones happiness, haha its back to those little things...remember those little things!! yea it time to take time for the little things,,,take it from someone who has been humbled in everyway,,knocked off his high horse,,whatever u want to call it,,,just take time to enjoy whats important in life,,,family and friends,  find that happiness inside u!! im not even saying that ive found it myself,,,but im beginning to understand what it is,,for the first time in my life i dont live for today, im planning for tomorrow and even more im excited for tomorrow!
its a new day and no one knows what its gona bring,,,good, bad, or ugly im excited,,,,,
thank u to everyone,,,,u all know who u are!

as always,,,,stay positive!
always douglas