Risk Taking is Free

To write in here is really messed up; I don’t get the same satisfaction as I usually do. Maybe it’s because I can only write in 30 min blocks and it’s hard for me to get my thoughts in order. But I’m doing my best to write again for myself.

Every day I have homework. I usually write essays about myself and how I relate to topics. Topics about my denial, resentment, and shame. Then the topics that really open my eyes… essays about me being a “King Baby” or how my grandiosity will someday kill me. They may sound like funny topics but they all have amazing truth to them.

The first two months here I tried playing a game. I was attempting to do my 180 days, a few pushups, and then go home. At about two month point I got into some trouble when a Sergeant here caught me talking and justifying much of my old drug use. Immediately I was put on “quitter status” and sat facing a wall for 5 days. Those 5 days turned my program around… see, I thought that I had done all the work in my recovery prior to coming here. I thought because I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to use that I was ready for the streets. I’ve gained more out of this last month than the 1^st two put together. I stopped and really took a look at my thinking. My thinking was still the thinking of an addict and a criminal.

I see now how my chemical dependency and thinking are one in the same. That’s something that needs to be under control before I enter society.

I talked about how I have fears about my emotions… well I’m definitely facing my fears, even if I’m not always willing. I’m taught the acronym for fear is F-ace, E-verything, A-nd R-ecover. I’m doing my best to live by that. I know a lot of this sounds like “treatment talk” but it works. It’s those tools in my life that I’ve longed for.

I’m 27 years old and I’m just starting my adult life… well my life as a responsible adult. A lot of guilt and shame goes into that sentence. To know how I’ve always taken the easy way or manipulated my loved ones is hard to face. My youngest brother Mitch just started his freshman year…haha I think back to my freshman year. J Heck, my high school years are something to reflect and smile about, for those of you who shared it with me… well you know why I smile. Those were some good years, years I never wanted to leave. For me the party kept going! Then when I finally stopped, I looked around and realized everyone was gone. That I tried so hard to keep those care free memories in my head that I neglected to take on any true responsibility. When it was all said and done, all I had was my addiction. My life then really falls apart and I earn my incarceration. It was then that people from my past started to write and listen to my writings. It was then that my outlook changed for the better! Not only was I excited and my future with sobriety, but I also began to see the good people again. I began to see the good in myself. A lot of that has to do with all the support that I have received. For that I will be forever grateful. Thank you all.

The streets approach quickly… maybe too quickly! J I know like all the other challenges of this journey, I will face them head on. Even the longest journeys begin with a single step.

For now I leave you with this… “It doesn’t matter where you’re from, but where you’re today.”

“Risk Taking is Free”

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.\To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom!

Only a person who risks……… is free!

-Author Unknown

It's Been Way Too Long

Received September 7, 2012

First off it feels great to put a pen to paper! I’ve been putting this off forever… I have been 100% focused on myself, ha ha not hard for me to do I’ve found out J But all joking aside, this program has been… amazing. It’s by far the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Forget all the physical aspects of the program; the mental part has me caught up in every emotion imaginable. The reason why this is so hard is the simple fact that I’m trying to change who I am and who I’ve been for so long.

As many of you know… I am happy to be clean but what the real issue is is my thinking. I’ve hung on to the idea that I could still live the lifestyle that I love without the using aspect… I’m realizing that I cant do that if I want to remain sober. So much of my thinking has come to light. To be honest, not only with others, but myself has been extremely scary. I’m learning about a lot of my ugly traits or even lack of traits. Such things as my own grandiosity, a trait I used to describe to myself as confident, but I took that characteristics to a dangerous level. Also the denial I have has been completely unhealthy. But that’s why I am here… I’m attempting to change my life. I’m truly grateful for my opportunity to come here. Yes, I hate every 16-hour day that I’m in this program, but I am learning and striving to be a new person. To live in reality is truly horrifying to me… for years I’ve lived in my own “safe” world… I called it D. Darby-land. Each day I learn how to break down a defense that I would have up to justify my actions of the past. I’m starting to heal and deal with the fact that I’ve been causing victims for years… I’m attempting to learn true remorse for what I’ve done.

It’s been a little over 90 days, half way done. In many ways I feel like I have such a long time ahead of me but in others I want to freak out because of how nervous I am to be put back into society. Am I ready? Will I be ready? Have I committed myself to change? Do I really want to change?... Will I fail?!?! Questions that I ask a 1000 times a day. Yet, only I have the answers. And only time will tell, for these are just words, actions will be the true testament.

I do miss everyone dearly! I wish I was able to write more but I simply do not have time, this letter alone has already taken me 3 days to write.

One of the most eye opening experience that I’ve talked about and tried my best to gain understanding of would be the acceptance on how close to death I was. I know, I know… I’ve written about this in the past but I’ve finally grasped what I went through. I now know that there are 3 different types of death. There is spiritual, emotional, and physical. I have been through 2 of the deaths and it almost brought on the 3^rd. I was so broken that I prayed that death would come, that it would come and take me from the pain. What I didn’t grasp was that I had caused this pain from my own actions. That it will be y actions that now ease the pain. To truly remember where I was… lying on he floor of a cell in my own vomit and crying, just praying to be taken from this Hell I was living. Death… would be a relief. But my Higher Power took over during those days. I had turned my will over. I was willing to accept help, real help to listen to someone else and look at all of my Demons. It took me coming here and understanding what it really takes to get sober… how much honesty it takes. There’s nothing easy about it, but I’m slowly putting the pieces back together. I’m not a changed man but I’m a changing man. That’s all I can ask for. For once I’m admitting my fears, and I fear myself, I know what a monster I can be.

Every day I become more confident in myself and not in a grandiose way. I’m letting go of my self-defeating pride and building my self-esteem. The tools that I’m learning are not just of recovery. They are tools to live a healthy life and I believe to live a happy life.

So I was doing homework today and a picture clicked in my head. The aspect of letting go of resentment. It was a light that showed me a path to my thinking. As I put together my denial, passive aggressive anger, resentment, and most of all my chemical dependency. I really start to see what kind of fire I had burning in me, the path to self-destruction was just a matter of time.

Every day, just like today, I’m exhausted. The rollercoaster that goes on here is 100% nerve racking but its all in the healing of myself. Writing this post has taken 5 days and I feel as I haven’t even scratched the surface. I want to tell so much more but at the end of my days, I’m not even in the right mind frame to write. I very much look forward to the day that I’m home and can reflect on this entire journey. From the start to the present it has been a crazy ride and who knows where the next step will be. All I know is it will be a step forward and in the right direction.

For now… this is where I’ll stop. I will write again when the time feels right. Thank you all for your support.

One of the most powerful quotes that I’ve learned here…”The truth often hurts, but it’s the lie that leaves the scar!”

Always,

Douglas