Received September 7, 2012
First off it feels great to put a pen to paper! I’ve been
putting this off forever… I have been 100% focused on myself, ha ha not hard
for me to do I’ve found out J
But all joking aside, this program has been… amazing. It’s by far the hardest
thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Forget all the physical aspects of the
program; the mental part has me caught up in every emotion imaginable. The
reason why this is so hard is the simple fact that I’m trying to change who I
am and who I’ve been for so long.
As many of you know… I am happy to be clean but what the
real issue is is my thinking. I’ve hung on to the idea that I could still live
the lifestyle that I love without the using aspect… I’m realizing that I cant
do that if I want to remain sober. So much of my thinking has come to light. To
be honest, not only with others, but myself has been extremely scary. I’m
learning about a lot of my ugly traits or even lack of traits. Such things as
my own grandiosity, a trait I used to describe to myself as confident, but I
took that characteristics to a dangerous level. Also the denial I have has been
completely unhealthy. But that’s why I am here… I’m attempting to change my
life. I’m truly grateful for my opportunity to come here. Yes, I hate every
16-hour day that I’m in this program, but I am learning and striving to be a
new person. To live in reality is truly horrifying to me… for years I’ve lived
in my own “safe” world… I called it D. Darby-land. Each day I learn how to
break down a defense that I would have up to justify my actions of the past.
I’m starting to heal and deal with the fact that I’ve been causing victims for
years… I’m attempting to learn true remorse for what I’ve done.
It’s been a little over 90 days, half way done. In many ways
I feel like I have such a long time ahead of me but in others I want to freak
out because of how nervous I am to be put back into society. Am I ready? Will I
be ready? Have I committed myself to change? Do I really want to change?... Will
I fail?!?! Questions that I ask a 1000 times a day. Yet, only I have the
answers. And only time will tell, for these are just words, actions will be the
true testament.
I do miss everyone dearly! I wish I was able to write more
but I simply do not have time, this letter alone has already taken me 3 days to
write.
One of the most eye opening experience that I’ve talked
about and tried my best to gain understanding of would be the acceptance on how
close to death I was. I know, I know… I’ve written about this in the past but
I’ve finally grasped what I went through. I now know that there are 3 different
types of death. There is spiritual, emotional, and physical. I have been
through 2 of the deaths and it almost brought on the 3rd. I was so
broken that I prayed that death would come, that it would come and take me from
the pain. What I didn’t grasp was that I had caused this pain from my own
actions. That it will be y actions that now ease the pain. To truly remember
where I was… lying on he floor of a cell in my own vomit and crying, just
praying to be taken from this Hell I was living. Death… would be a relief. But
my Higher Power took over during those days. I had turned my will over. I was
willing to accept help, real help to listen to someone else and look at all
of my Demons. It took me coming here and understanding what it really takes to
get sober… how much honesty it takes. There’s nothing easy about it, but I’m
slowly putting the pieces back together. I’m not a changed man but I’m a
changing man. That’s all I can ask for. For once I’m admitting my fears,
and I fear myself, I know what a monster I can be.
Every day I become more confident in myself and not in a
grandiose way. I’m letting go of my self-defeating pride and building my
self-esteem. The tools that I’m learning are not just of recovery. They are
tools to live a healthy life and I believe to live a happy life.
So I was doing homework today and a picture clicked in my
head. The aspect of letting go of resentment. It was a light that showed me a
path to my thinking. As I put together my denial, passive aggressive anger,
resentment, and most of all my chemical dependency. I really start to see what
kind of fire I had burning in me, the path to self-destruction was just a
matter of time.
Every day, just like today, I’m exhausted. The rollercoaster
that goes on here is 100% nerve racking but its all in the healing of myself.
Writing this post has taken 5 days and I feel as I haven’t even scratched the
surface. I want to tell so much more but at the end of my days, I’m not even in
the right mind frame to write. I very much look forward to the day that I’m
home and can reflect on this entire journey. From the start to the present it
has been a crazy ride and who knows where the next step will be. All I know is
it will be a step forward and in the right direction.
For now… this is where I’ll stop. I will write again when
the time feels right. Thank you all for your support.
One of the most powerful quotes that I’ve learned here…”The
truth often hurts, but it’s the lie that leaves the scar!”
Always,
Douglas
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