Risk Taking is Free

To write in here is really messed up; I don’t get the same satisfaction as I usually do. Maybe it’s because I can only write in 30 min blocks and it’s hard for me to get my thoughts in order. But I’m doing my best to write again for myself.

Every day I have homework. I usually write essays about myself and how I relate to topics. Topics about my denial, resentment, and shame. Then the topics that really open my eyes… essays about me being a “King Baby” or how my grandiosity will someday kill me. They may sound like funny topics but they all have amazing truth to them.

The first two months here I tried playing a game. I was attempting to do my 180 days, a few pushups, and then go home. At about two month point I got into some trouble when a Sergeant here caught me talking and justifying much of my old drug use. Immediately I was put on “quitter status” and sat facing a wall for 5 days. Those 5 days turned my program around… see, I thought that I had done all the work in my recovery prior to coming here. I thought because I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to use that I was ready for the streets. I’ve gained more out of this last month than the 1^st two put together. I stopped and really took a look at my thinking. My thinking was still the thinking of an addict and a criminal.

I see now how my chemical dependency and thinking are one in the same. That’s something that needs to be under control before I enter society.

I talked about how I have fears about my emotions… well I’m definitely facing my fears, even if I’m not always willing. I’m taught the acronym for fear is F-ace, E-verything, A-nd R-ecover. I’m doing my best to live by that. I know a lot of this sounds like “treatment talk” but it works. It’s those tools in my life that I’ve longed for.

I’m 27 years old and I’m just starting my adult life… well my life as a responsible adult. A lot of guilt and shame goes into that sentence. To know how I’ve always taken the easy way or manipulated my loved ones is hard to face. My youngest brother Mitch just started his freshman year…haha I think back to my freshman year. J Heck, my high school years are something to reflect and smile about, for those of you who shared it with me… well you know why I smile. Those were some good years, years I never wanted to leave. For me the party kept going! Then when I finally stopped, I looked around and realized everyone was gone. That I tried so hard to keep those care free memories in my head that I neglected to take on any true responsibility. When it was all said and done, all I had was my addiction. My life then really falls apart and I earn my incarceration. It was then that people from my past started to write and listen to my writings. It was then that my outlook changed for the better! Not only was I excited and my future with sobriety, but I also began to see the good people again. I began to see the good in myself. A lot of that has to do with all the support that I have received. For that I will be forever grateful. Thank you all.

The streets approach quickly… maybe too quickly! J I know like all the other challenges of this journey, I will face them head on. Even the longest journeys begin with a single step.

For now I leave you with this… “It doesn’t matter where you’re from, but where you’re today.”

“Risk Taking is Free”

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.\To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom!

Only a person who risks……… is free!

-Author Unknown