It's Time!

So I lied about that last post being my last one before I got home. The reason behind that is that I have earned ILU (Independent Living Unit). What it is is a separate part of the building that I have my own room and a bit more freedom, plus I can listen to the RADIO again. Rock my world! Also I get more time to write, so my urge to write is off the charts. Not to mention that I’m literally 20 some days from walking out of prison. 30 months of incarceration, 6 months of boot camp, and almost a lifetime of addiction. My emotional state is a 10 right now. My ups and downs are crazy, forget day to day… I can go from laughs to tears in a matter of hours, depending on the topic in that particular group.

I graduate on December 3^rd, right now I’ll be home anywhere between December 7^th and the 14^th, and it all depends on how fast my papers come back from the judge. Then I‘ll be on electric monitoring, A.K.A. the bracelet for 3 months. Meetings and aftercare treatment will be a huge part of my life. Work and becoming re-adjusted to free living will be my goals.

My plans are simple, yes; it’s still those small things that I dream of. The night skies, black olives, my loved ones by my side, and don’t forget some good music. I have also been in a recent depression the last 8 weeks or so… O’ how I miss my Packers! At least they are Division leaders, but I sure do miss my Green and Gold on Sundays. Soon, so very soon! Crazy thing is that I still haven’t seen the Super Bowl that they won two years ago. How sad is that?!!? Yes, I’ve seen many highlights but not the same. After the Pack won the Super Bowl I remember joking with my family saying “If I knew that all I had to do was go to prison for the Packers to win the super Bowl, I would have done it years ago!” J HaHa

I haven’t watched any T.V. for 5 months and I can’t find one thing that interests me what so ever so I just turn on the radio and write. I’d rather pick up a book than watch some of these programs.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving; the holiday season is going to be going full force, which is extremely scary for me. The holidays have always been a heavy using time for me, most of that has to do with my father. See, with my dad living so far away, I always knew when I would get a “for-sure” phone call from him, of course one of those special calls were on the holidays. To say the least it’s a hard time for me. By far, the areas of discussion that I bring up the most are about my dad. It’s been 12 years and my grieving just started, on an emotional level at least. The tears have always been there but the understanding on the “true” feeling side, was always covered up by drug use. I’ve gotten to so many underlying troubles… self-worth, resentment, and loneliness. At my young age I couldn’t understand how my father could take himself from me; was Heroin really that good? Was I not “good” enough? Questions that were extremely irrational and in no way relevant. But in my own grandiose thinking I thought I was the source of my father’s drug addiction, I thought that I had that kind of power. Just like I didn’t put a needle in my arm because of my father, he didn’t put one in his because of me. He did it for the same reason as I, because we both loved the high more than anything else. And that’s the truth, plain and simple; everything else was just a justification to use. It was the high, always has been.

Life this past 5 months has been nuts, I’ve met people just like me who truly believe in the sober way of life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met many who are here for the early release. Some of the most powerful moments here have been outside of the group, like on work crew, where I have a little more frustration to conversate. It’s then when the real person comes out, so easily could you talk about past “war” stories or how you plan on getting out to your old life. But to find a few people who are really tired of living in the clutches of addiction… well that’s special to me and each one of us are frightened beyond belief. Though now, there is hope. When we talk, we fantasize about sober living. The little things! How I and others have taken them for granted. The past 2 ½ years were the wake up, those were the positive and productive years, those years before when I was not living, only existing… those were the stagnant years. Now in 20 some days will be on a beginning, a rebirth, and a second and final chance at this life that I so badly want to achieve. My recovery will be first above all, that’s just the way it has to be. Without it, I am a failure and no use to anyone. In recovery the saying is “do the work,” and that’s what I plan to do. Recovery isn’t just a thing, it’s everything!

As I end one path to start anew, I’m at that pivotal fork in the road; no one knows what path I will choose. I can tell you the path I want and will take on the day of my release. But to say that this path is set in stone that I cannot do. That is not to be misconstrue, I will put my best foot forwards, al I am getting at is that the days of putting pen to paper and talking the talk are growing to an end. Then will begin the days of action, those will be the days I live for, the days of the real test, and I will be tested daily for the rest of my life. Scary? Yes, but I must keep going forward, in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “If you cannot fly, run. If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl. But by all means keep moving.” That’s my plan to put one foot in front of the other, this is a path I do not know, but moving forward and putting in the work is what needs to be done. The rest I leave up to my higher power and the serenity prayer.

To everyone who has stuck by me, Thank you! And for everyone waiting and wanting to see me fall well thank you too! In 20 days I can flash my smile and thank you in person. For it’s the starts of something new, something great. What it is, I do not know, nor do I care. It’s happiness that I strive for, true and plain happiness.

As I end, I leave you with “The Final Analysis.”

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway,

Give the world the best you have, and it may be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. –Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I read that the first day I arrived here, then it was just words, today they live inside me as a way of life. Things so simple and small, but then again… it’s those small things in life that need the most attention.

Thanks to all, please know that I have nothing but love and respect for you all!

Always,

Douglas