Heroin. My Girlfriend.

So as you all know, it's been wonderful weather. As I walk the yard I still have a hard time accepting where I am. To be confined is a surreal thing for me. See I'm a warm weather kind of guy. So when it's nice out it is very bitter sweet for me. Yes, I make the best of this but I still never want to forget these days. When I first got here I met a person who will be a lifelong friend to me, for now I will call him "New York," his home is of course in New York City. Anyway, both he and I came to Oshkosh prison on the same day. From that day on he and I became very good friends. You may wonder how you can become such close friends in such a short time, you have to understand that you spend every waking moment with other inmates. You become to know everything about them... True colors are shown rather quickly. When we came here in July it was the first time I had been outside since the previous September. One day he and I were walking outside right at dusk. I mentioned how amazing the sky and sunset looked. He stopped me and looked me dead in the eyes and said something that I'll never forget... he told me to forget the sky while I'm in here. "Doug, you look at those electric fences and all that razor wire! You will have the rest of your life to enjoy the sunsets and other things but right now you remember the feeling of confinement, what it really feels like." Anyone can know the meaning... confinement, a confining or being confined; imprisonment, limitation, restriction, restraint. But to feel confinement is something totally different. To feel it is something I can not explain. But it is very humbling and something I certainly needed. Thanx New York, you be my guy for life. Partners in Crime... Brothers Doing Time!

The hardest time I've done was my time in Dodge prison... It was at a max joint so you are locked down for 23 hours a day. I wrote a poem/rap during this time. It's called My Girlfriend, the context of the poem is that Heroin had become my life, my everything, my girlfriend. Again the entire thing is about my life on Heroin... like the first two lines "when we met I knew she was from Pakistan" ... a lot of Heroin is from Pakistan. "Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan"... The color of most of my Heroin was tan or brown. If you have any questions on it or it you don't understand a part, just ask and I'll elaborate. I always enjoy comments, questions, and feedback. This was not something I just put together one day... this took me the better part of two weeks. In my head the beat and chorus goes to the song Just Me & My Girlfriend.

My Girlfriend
When we met, I knew she was from Pakistan
Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan
I'd pick her up from the hood and feel like I had to
Have her right there, pull over and stab her
She let me do her anywhere, from da Jeep to the store's piss stained bathroom with graffiti on the door
Monkey so damn fat, kept me fucking for hours
High maintenance bitch, blow a couple hundred in a hour
Every time we spoke was pure line after line, she rode with me crime after crime, time after time,
Yo, I never been a stranger to breakin the law
Every time I'd make some change she'd be taking it all
I know alot of dirty ass cats that banged her raw
But that never stopped me from breaking her off

(chorus)
My girlfriend
All I need in this life of sin
Just me and my girlfriend
Down to ride to the bloody end
Just me and my girlfriend
(2x)

My girlfriend, it felt like I was dying without her,
Crouching, crying in the shower, taking five every hour
I ain't slept for weeks after the last time that I saw her
How can such a monstrous power come from such a harmless flower?
No controllin' the goosebumps when I thought about having her
Why'd the bitch have me sweatin'?
She was making me colder
I recall phonin' those who know her, no-one's seen her at all
Stomach raw, dry heaving, hadn't eaten at all
In the mirror, my reflection was a stranger to me
When she was with me, that was me! That's even stranger to me
Time was movin' so slow after she ran out, no doubt!
I know for sure she had this all planned out
Momma said that this would happen if I didn't stop seeing her
But it was me and her, momma didn't see what I'd seen in her
I wish I woulda seen at first, she was just out to fuck me!
Yea, I needed her like salt is what a snail needs!

Chorus 2x

My girlfriend, I still love that crazy bitch
I still want her but she makes me sick
Thinking bout her in the sack, yea I can still taste that bitch
What a dysfunctional relationship
She still calls me all the time sayin "Don't you miss me? I'll make everything fine, Doug please come get me."
Then I think, like I forgot about the sleepless nights
Ridin round lookin for you in the streets all night ot how you talked me into robbing all those places for you!
I'm 25 facing 65 years on this case for you!
Bitch! Now I'm 26 doing 4 years in da pen for you!
I can't express the magnitude of my hatred for you
We had a lota great times
But bitch, I hate you! We're through!

My girlfriend

So yea, that's "my rap" hahaha gangster... I know :) But it's mine and it comes from the heart.

As hard as it is to start over, in a lot of ways it's very refreshing. Once I got locked up, well I put all the cards on the table. I wasn't just a junkie but I was a bad boyfriend and a shit friend and a disappointing part of my family and society for that matter. This is my rebirth, my resurrection if you will. I'll never quit on my dreams again, as Eminem says "the only thing I've ever quit was using!" Not only did I have to get the toxins out of me but I had to get the toxic mentalities out too, not to mention all the toxic people. But I'm trying to become the person I truly believe I can become. I've had a few relationships with someone for the last decade and I had love for those women. I promise I really did but I by no means was faithful or a good person. I've always "wanted my cake and to eat it too!" To me cheating is unforgivable, 100% if I find out that you've cheated on me... well we all done. No questions asked. Now I know that my way of thinking is fucked up because I believe that if you're good enough to do it and I don't find out, well no harm because I don't know. But I don't think you good enough to not get caught, me on the other hand, I'm so narcissistic that I believe I'm good enough to get away with it. Wow, I know I'm totally messed up but that's what I used to believe. Trust me it's not how I want to be! I know I'll never get true love in my life living that way. Again it's not just about giving up my addiction but all my addictive mentalities. I can admit my faults and now all I can do is try my best to get what I want out of this life. I'm just trying to be 100% honest for the first time in my life. These writings are so if I ever forget, I can have a reminder. To never forget where I've been and where I want to go!

'Til Next Time,

Douglas

Every Day is a Test

Every day I wake up to a new test. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone is tested. The life I am living at the time isn't even truly living... really I just exist. Most of everyday for me is the same. It is up to me to be productive in here. What I mean by being tested is this "new" way of life I am trying; this normal way of life (if you can call this normal); life as a sober person. I remember when I first got over my detox the jail doctors tried to push all these depression and anxiety medications on me. I was really turned off by this because it was the first time in my adult life that I was off of dope, let alone the first time I had no substance in me at all. I remember telling them that then saying let's just see how I do feeling emotion, real emotion. All I wanted was to know when I was really happy or sad or even angry. Let's just see how Douglas handles all this. My sober date is 9/10/10, the day after I was arrested. I know, I know this is a forced sobriety but don't think for a second that everything isn't in here with me. I'll also give you  hint who they come to first when some narcotic hits the yard... they go to the ex-junkie. Am I the only recovering addict in here? No, but they still test me every time. I just don't want to be that kid anymore. I'm so sick of that life. I just want to enjoy those simple things in life. Those little things.

I had a visit tonight. I'm allowed 3 a week and I usually receive 2 a week. Anyways, it was my mom, my two bro's Andrew and Mitch, and my sister Alyssa. The visits are extremely bittersweet for everyone involved. I really believe that all of this is harder on them. I know when they walkout those doors... well, it crushes them that I can't go with them. Of course both my bro's have all the smart ass comments about prison. Anything from a shower joke to if my cellie's name is Bubba... not to mention I have a pot leaf tattoos on my ass, so they have a field day with that. It's all in fun, they are so much like me. I'm either going to laugh at all this or I'm going to cry. Laughing is easier. They stay strong for me and I try my best for them. I remember the first time they came to visit. I was at the max security prison named Dodge. It's where you go to get staffer. See I didn't let any of them come to visit me while I was in county jail. I wanted to tell them face to face, not between a piece of glass. I needed it to be personal so they could really see that I wanted to change! So I didn't see them for like 7 months. If you can imagine I wasn't the healthiest right before I got locked up. I was pretty sickly looking. Now it's 7 months later and I'm heavier than I've ever been plus I'm active gain and hitting the weights for the first time in my life! Haha. So I see everyone and have this amazing visit. Everything goes great and it ends. About a week later I call home and Mitch answers. We of course start talking about the visit. He goes on to say how nervous he was to see me. Ya know it was the longest I ever went without seeing him and he says he sees me enter the visiting room and I'm bigger than he's ever seen me, plus my hair was real short, and I mean short! He's watching me walk towards him and he was actually afraid of me... his brother who looks so different and is in a max prison. So he's scared he says, until I get close enough and he sees the tears running down my cheeks. Right then he starts laughing and says " you big girl, there's no crying in prison!" Haha. Little smart ass!

Andrew, Mitchel, Alyssa; if you ever read this I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am! I know I've said it 10 times over already but I can never say it enough... I am so sorry. Just know that this situation and all this pain will not be for nothing. When I was in that shower that day, it was you kids that saved my life. I will forever be in debt to you guys. You all are the most important thing in my life and I couldn't be more proud than to be your big brother... Always remember...One Family... One love.

Andrew, I also want you to know how sorry I am for taking your first weeks of high school away from you. You are a bigger man than I. The forgiveness that you've shown me has been overwhelming, it took me 10 years to forgive my father for the same thing... I had to miss my first weeks of my freshman year to attend to his funeral, and sure enough 10 years later here you are spending the first weeks of your freshman year watching your brother on the news and finding out how far I had fallen, that I may not be home for years. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, you should have only been concerned with school, girls, friends, and Friday night football, but instead I put a burden of worry over your head. You should have never had to go through that. I'll forever try to make it up to you. Just know you're loved and you be the coolest 16 year old kid I know. I love you bro!

I'm aware that I may ramble with these writings but you have to understand I have many hours to think... thinking about the past is hard! See I have no regrets, have I made mistakes? Yes! Of course! But I regret nothing. Everything I've gone through has made me me. Not to have a big head or anything but I like who I am... Endless Mistakes, Zero Regrets! It's what you do when you fall that defines you! A friend once told me "We all fall at some point. What counts is the determination we show to stand tall again! So let your bad today bring better tomorrow!"

I may be wrong in living that way but it's how I continue on. See prison isn't that "hard" on me, 1 year or 10 years... I'm going to do my time, like I said the hard part is knowing how hard it is on your loved ones. The innocent ones. I do deserve to be here 100%, but my family didn't do anything, except stand by me.

I know the "test has just begun but I'm finally ready to take it. Whatever life brings I'm ready to try it the right way... obviously my way didn't work, so let's try something else... let's take it a day at a time and let's keep it simple, again it's those little thins in life that make the big things so great!

Always remember... the good times.

'Til next time, Always,

Douglas

A Note From Mom

Hi to everyone who has been in touch or trying to get in touch with Douglas.

I know that many of you have lost touch with him-not only due to his living arrangements of late but in fact we lost him long before that in many ways due to his addiction... He's Back! That's right-we have our big hearted, spirited, interested, and interesting Douglas back. He is doing sooo good. He has handled this situation, as you would expect him to. The same way he handled other issues in his life, with humility, humor, positive-focused determination as well as through helping others. Speaking out loud with his head held high. Telling it his way and being able to make those hearing his word to understand that if it happened to someone like him-it can happen to anyone of us. The key to not falling victim is to be aware that it claims and destroys without discrimination. It can sneak up on you over time or it can claim you the first opportunity it has. It will affect not only your life, but everyone who you love, or is near you. It will affect those who you've never yet, not yet. (as the Black Crows song goes) You will find yourself when the pain is so overwhelming that the only answer, at the time, is to stop that pain, at any expense. Douglas knew this first hand. Is without sugar-coating, excuses, blame, or for those who know. sorry- Doug's history.. . His dad Danny Darby knew al this too. Yet Danny thought he had his demon's behind him. That he knew what to watch for the signs, that he was stronger then drug. He wasn't...Douglas, as well as I, his brothers and sister, grandparents, and you-his many, many friends who know what this young man is made of-IS! He is focused. He is positive. He is surrounding himself with support and determined people. He is speaking out. Head held high. No sugar-coating, no excuses, no blame to others. No judgment. He is telling his story-his way, through helping others. Even to those who have never had to deal with this issue. Drugs, lifestyle, incarceration, manipulative people, control, bad situations, being true to yourself, admitting that you have a problem, finding or asking for help without judgment. The system is behind him as well. Through Doug's actions the State of WI had the control- they too saw what we all know. Doug stood up and told his story. His story alone. He blamed no one. He made no excuses. He expected no special treatment. His remorse for those he hurt came through with honesty, humility, regret and shame. He told the judge he will take responsibility for those actions. He will prove himself and do the work that needs to be done. He will do it for the rest of his life. Every day that he wakes up-is a day that he was never expecting to see again. .that's how close he was to letting his addiction win. The way that addiction took the life of his wonderful father, Danny after being clean for 10 years! Doug was very lucky that the judge the prosecution atty and the people in charge @Oshkosh Correctional saw that this is 1 lucky kid. This is 1special kind of person. He will do more help to others outside then he could do behind walls. He will turn this into helping others from ever going down the path of destruction or thinking that it couldn't happen to you or your loved ones. And that if you have, to find the strength to put your foot in another direction. There is hope as long as you’re willing to see it for what it is and doing what needs to be done. sorry-this message has been so long and sad. But so has the last few years in dealing with this issue. Doug will be out in the next 6-8months. He is wonderful. He looks like he's in his teens. His eyes are sparkling with good humor. He is interesting and interested. His heart is light. He's Back! He's nobody’s fool. And he's happy to wake up every morning. He is loved…

Thanks for your time…

Always remember.

Doug’s mom, Tami

A little of what I did

This first entry is some insight on what landed me in my situation today. About 6 or 7 years ago I became addicted to Heroin. As many of you may remember, my drug addiction was present long before then, but my path of destruction began with smack. Don't get it twisted, life was good for many years. I lived the fast life an loved it! I had the woman of my dreams, paid my bills, and my family life was great. Because no one knew I was a junkie I though I was O.K. I thought I was a "Functioning Junkie." Let me tell you no one including myself can keep that life up and I was no exception. I lived by all the wrong sayings... like, "tomorrow's not promised so fuck the world" and "money is meant to b spent not counted," So I was always BMF (blowing money fast)! Heroin eventually took every other pleasure out of my life. All that mattered to me was the high. It came before anything. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. My life was centered around sticking a needle in my arm. Let me tell you when you look yourself in the mirror and see the black and blue tracks going up and down your arms... well, it's sad. I mean I knew I had a problem. Hell I even knew my family would help me if I asked. The problem was I didn't want to get clean. I just accepted the life. I truly thought I'd die a junkie.

August 26, 2010 was the day that I finally lost it. That was the 10 year anniversary of my father's suicide. Not that that was an excuse at all! My crimes are on me 100%. It was just the day I snapped. It was that day that I just wanted the pain to stop. I knew how to make it go away... I needed to numb out and this time I wanted to take it to a new extreme... So on that fateful day I walked into the (store) in (my town) and robbed the pharmacy. Five days later I was out (of pills) again and now I'm on the news. I knew the end was near and again all that mattered was the high. I went and robbed another. Plain and simple! Between the two robberies, I got just under 1000 Oxycontin pills (400 oxy 80's and 500+ oxy 40's). Thirteen days later when the SWAT team kicked in my door, I had 76 left. Every one of those pills went into my arms. Even I know someone was looking down on me to not let me O.D. in those days. So yes, they got me and took me to jail. The judge set my bail for $100,000 and told me how much time I was facing... 65 years all together! Not to mention I was already on Felony probation for getting caught with a couple pounds of weed (another story in itself). To say the least I truly thought life was over, not to mention I'm starting to go into withdrawal.

This next part is hard for me but it needs to be said so you can fully understand where I was and where I am today. I was going to kill myself that day in jail. I had my pants around my neck and strung up in the shower. It was right then that I finally understood what my father must have felt that day he died. How scared and how alone he must have been. Right then I finally forgave him, shit maybe I even forgave myself. I then remembered what his suicide did to me and my family, how destructive it was on everyone. I couldn't do that to them. So I stood up and decided to fave this situation head on. I went into detox jail style, 100% cold turkey. Worst fucking month of my life! I was so sick. I really thought I might die. But I made it. After all of that, the next big day was the day I was sentenced. The District Attorney wanted 14 years in prison right now! I damn near fainted. I had my entire family there. They said some amazing words on my behalf (Thanks again mom!). It was then my turn to speak. I went with the honesty route with all of this. I told him much like I am telling you today, did my addiction play a part in my crimes? OF COURSE, but my crimes are on me 100%. I knew I deserved prison time, all I wanted was to re-pay my debt to society and get a second chance to live sober. I know in my heart that all this shit saved my life! I was never going to get clean on the streets, I didn't want it, it wasn't until I was finally clean that I saw how great sobriety could be! It took me being a rat in a cage to get my sobriety. After all of that, it was the judges turn to speak and sentence me He broke it down to me like so: "Son, I believe you've looked the devil in the eyes and tasted true evil. But I do believe you when you say you're not the person you are when you are high. I'm trying to save your life here today but only you and God can do that." He then sentenced me to 4 years in prison. He did do two things though, one he gave me a chance at early release. I have to complete a 6 month drug treatment and then I go home (I will find out in the coming months when I can start). The second thins he did was put a 12 year sentence over my head. Which means that if I fuck up on parole, I come back to prison for 12 years...NO questions asked! So it's time for Douglas to walk the straight and narrow. The judge showed me a lot of love that day in court. His words will forever be in my mind and heart. I owe that man my second chance at living. I will forever be grateful.

So where I am at today... I can't tell you how happy and at peace with everything I truly am. I know that I've always been a "glass half full" kinda guy, but I've pulled so many positives out of this whole situation. I've re-connected with so many old friends that I pushed out of my life long ago... The support has been amazing. Thank you! My family has been my rock through all of this. I have my entire family back... Darbys, Gerondales, Kasbohms, and even the Mocans. They have all given me nothing but love and respect. Don't get it twisted. I do not want to be locked up, but I'm right where I need to be. I'm so focused on myself and my sobriety. The old Douglas is back and I couldn't be happier. I'm more free than I've been in years. I wake up every morning and something the size of an aspirin doesn't control every aspect of my life. It's an amazing feeling. Prison can humble a man and it has for me. Life is simple, it's us that make things difficult. I can't wait for those small things... never mind the big things. I can't wait to see the stars or sit by a fire. Don't get me started on how I miss the feel of a woman! :) But yes, I will take this chance and make the most of it.

I'm currently locked up at Oshkosh prison. It's the largest prison in the state. I stay very busy and am just fine. Does bad shit happen in here... yes, but it's a bad place. It's supposed to. But don't believe every thing you see in the movies. I don't have to fear for my safety. Douglas is just fine.

I really don't know who will read this, but I hope you can take something from it. There's many people I owe an apology to. They will all come in time; I imagine there are a lot of people who won't accept it either. I can handle that. I live by new sayings. One is "endless mistakes, zero regrets." God knows I've fucked up but I wouldn't do anything different. I am who I am. It's made me. Call me big headed, but I life who I am. I won't apologize for that.

The second is the serenity prayer, it goes:
        God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
        the courage to change the things I can,
        and the wisdom to know the difference.
I still know tomorrow's not promised, but at least planning to be here to see it, more importantly EXCITED for tomorrow!

Last I want to thank my cousin and best friend, Abby Hendrix, for setting this all up and being my rock through all of this. She is in control of my facebook and can answer just about any questions you may have. Feel free to talk to her. She's an amazing and caring woman.

Abby, I know we're not blood but you're my true family and that will never change! Thank you for all that you do.

'Til next time, Always remember the good times and take things one day at a time, just a day at a time.

Always,
Douglas