This first entry is some insight on what landed me in my situation today. About 6 or 7 years ago I became addicted to Heroin. As many of you may remember, my drug addiction was present long before then, but my path of destruction began with smack. Don't get it twisted, life was good for many years. I lived the fast life an loved it! I had the woman of my dreams, paid my bills, and my family life was great. Because no one knew I was a junkie I though I was O.K. I thought I was a "Functioning Junkie." Let me tell you no one including myself can keep that life up and I was no exception. I lived by all the wrong sayings... like, "tomorrow's not promised so fuck the world" and "money is meant to b spent not counted," So I was always BMF (blowing money fast)! Heroin eventually took every other pleasure out of my life. All that mattered to me was the high. It came before anything. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. My life was centered around sticking a needle in my arm. Let me tell you when you look yourself in the mirror and see the black and blue tracks going up and down your arms... well, it's sad. I mean I knew I had a problem. Hell I even knew my family would help me if I asked. The problem was I didn't want to get clean. I just accepted the life. I truly thought I'd die a junkie.
August 26, 2010 was the day that I finally lost it. That was the 10 year anniversary of my father's suicide. Not that that was an excuse at all! My crimes are on me 100%. It was just the day I snapped. It was that day that I just wanted the pain to stop. I knew how to make it go away... I needed to numb out and this time I wanted to take it to a new extreme... So on that fateful day I walked into the (store) in (my town) and robbed the pharmacy. Five days later I was out (of pills) again and now I'm on the news. I knew the end was near and again all that mattered was the high. I went and robbed another. Plain and simple! Between the two robberies, I got just under 1000 Oxycontin pills (400 oxy 80's and 500+ oxy 40's). Thirteen days later when the SWAT team kicked in my door, I had 76 left. Every one of those pills went into my arms. Even I know someone was looking down on me to not let me O.D. in those days. So yes, they got me and took me to jail. The judge set my bail for $100,000 and told me how much time I was facing... 65 years all together! Not to mention I was already on Felony probation for getting caught with a couple pounds of weed (another story in itself). To say the least I truly thought life was over, not to mention I'm starting to go into withdrawal.
This next part is hard for me but it needs to be said so you can fully understand where I was and where I am today. I was going to kill myself that day in jail. I had my pants around my neck and strung up in the shower. It was right then that I finally understood what my father must have felt that day he died. How scared and how alone he must have been. Right then I finally forgave him, shit maybe I even forgave myself. I then remembered what his suicide did to me and my family, how destructive it was on everyone. I couldn't do that to them. So I stood up and decided to fave this situation head on. I went into detox jail style, 100% cold turkey. Worst fucking month of my life! I was so sick. I really thought I might die. But I made it. After all of that, the next big day was the day I was sentenced. The District Attorney wanted 14 years in prison right now! I damn near fainted. I had my entire family there. They said some amazing words on my behalf (Thanks again mom!). It was then my turn to speak. I went with the honesty route with all of this. I told him much like I am telling you today, did my addiction play a part in my crimes? OF COURSE, but my crimes are on me 100%. I knew I deserved prison time, all I wanted was to re-pay my debt to society and get a second chance to live sober. I know in my heart that all this shit saved my life! I was never going to get clean on the streets, I didn't want it, it wasn't until I was finally clean that I saw how great sobriety could be! It took me being a rat in a cage to get my sobriety. After all of that, it was the judges turn to speak and sentence me He broke it down to me like so: "Son, I believe you've looked the devil in the eyes and tasted true evil. But I do believe you when you say you're not the person you are when you are high. I'm trying to save your life here today but only you and God can do that." He then sentenced me to 4 years in prison. He did do two things though, one he gave me a chance at early release. I have to complete a 6 month drug treatment and then I go home (I will find out in the coming months when I can start). The second thins he did was put a 12 year sentence over my head. Which means that if I fuck up on parole, I come back to prison for 12 years...NO questions asked! So it's time for Douglas to walk the straight and narrow. The judge showed me a lot of love that day in court. His words will forever be in my mind and heart. I owe that man my second chance at living. I will forever be grateful.
So where I am at today... I can't tell you how happy and at peace with everything I truly am. I know that I've always been a "glass half full" kinda guy, but I've pulled so many positives out of this whole situation. I've re-connected with so many old friends that I pushed out of my life long ago... The support has been amazing. Thank you! My family has been my rock through all of this. I have my entire family back... Darbys, Gerondales, Kasbohms, and even the Mocans. They have all given me nothing but love and respect. Don't get it twisted. I do not want to be locked up, but I'm right where I need to be. I'm so focused on myself and my sobriety. The old Douglas is back and I couldn't be happier. I'm more free than I've been in years. I wake up every morning and something the size of an aspirin doesn't control every aspect of my life. It's an amazing feeling. Prison can humble a man and it has for me. Life is simple, it's us that make things difficult. I can't wait for those small things... never mind the big things. I can't wait to see the stars or sit by a fire. Don't get me started on how I miss the feel of a woman! :) But yes, I will take this chance and make the most of it.
I'm currently locked up at Oshkosh prison. It's the largest prison in the state. I stay very busy and am just fine. Does bad shit happen in here... yes, but it's a bad place. It's supposed to. But don't believe every thing you see in the movies. I don't have to fear for my safety. Douglas is just fine.
I really don't know who will read this, but I hope you can take something from it. There's many people I owe an apology to. They will all come in time; I imagine there are a lot of people who won't accept it either. I can handle that. I live by new sayings. One is "endless mistakes, zero regrets." God knows I've fucked up but I wouldn't do anything different. I am who I am. It's made me. Call me big headed, but I life who I am. I won't apologize for that.
The second is the serenity prayer, it goes:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I still know tomorrow's not promised, but at least planning to be here to see it, more importantly EXCITED for tomorrow!
Last I want to thank my cousin and best friend, Abby Hendrix, for setting this all up and being my rock through all of this. She is in control of my facebook and can answer just about any questions you may have. Feel free to talk to her. She's an amazing and caring woman.
Abby, I know we're not blood but you're my true family and that will never change! Thank you for all that you do.
'Til next time, Always remember the good times and take things one day at a time, just a day at a time.
Always,
Douglas
Doug,
ReplyDeleteI remember the day that I heard of your legal troubles, and i can't say that i was surprised. I watched with pain in my eyes you go down this route long before it happened, surround yourself with the wrong people (which inevitably was why you and I grew apart, I'm sure), and lose passion for things that you used to love and work for, most notably, music. I can almost remember me saying "what happened to Douggie?" Such promise, such an amazing spirit.
i don't think there was one person who didn't want to be your friend. I can remember driving around with you, with no destination, just driving. I can remember you working so hard to excel in music. I can even remember kissing you...
In my opinion (as if it even matters) of your earlier years, part of your downfall into addiction spawned from your ability to be influenced by others, the wrong others. They, along with the drugs, stole your light. This bright shining light that engulfed you. That was you. Stolen. How mad you must be! How maddening it must be to not lose one's self, but get it snatched from you! UGH! I could scream just thinking about, but you have lived it. I hope you have had time to scream.
I have seen addiction come and go from others, in many different forms, unfortunately in my short little life span. I have seen some conquer, some still failing, and some face the epic fail. Yes, i have witnessed this. I have been part of interventions, grown weary and exhausted of trying to help, all of the above.
Why am I saying this all to you? Because for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that there is no doubt in my mind that a person can do this, you can do this. No doubt in my mind that your words ring true. You were always a horrible liar Doug, some may not agree, but not to what I remember. As I read I see your light, you sound like the Doug I used to know!
My hope is that you use this charm and charisma to not only over come your own demons, but in time pay it back to others. If anyone could do that, it's you!
Loved you then. Love you now. Distance does not spoil friendship. Nothing could ever spoil the memories I have of you. Keep on keeping on, and soon maybe we can make some new ones.
I believe in you.
Kristen Gombar
Hello Doug. This is attempt number 3 at publishing this so hopefully it works this time. God bless you. You have chosen the right path. The same path I choose 8 years ago. It saved my life. We do recover. You too will recover. The serenity prayer says alot. You cannot do anything about the past, all you can do is move forward.
ReplyDeleteFor the past 8 years I have been living a sober life in recovery. It saved my life. One of the best things I ever did was enter rehab. A whole new outlook on life happened. That message we carry in recovery of a spiritual awakening has begun for you. You should be proud of yourself. You too will find happiness in sobriety.
You have a very loving family who will support you no matter what. Remember that this is a we program. You do not do this alone. The altruistic way of life that Kristen mentioned is the way that works. Working with others is a vital part of the program. You are helping others when you ask them for help. So never be afraid to reach out to others. It works if you work it.
Certainly I was shocked that you had gotten yourself in this trouble. I never knew. Funny thing is I was watching Wrestlemania last night, and saw this on facebook. How weird. A god shot I guess. All I could think of was when I took you on a Sunday night to see wrestling at the Brown County Arena years ago. You were an innocent young man, and that is why I was blown away to read your blog. You never had a bad bone in your body.
We all know who you are. As you said the alcohol and drugs created a monster in you. You are not that person. Just move forward and people will know. You can do nothing about the past. You are powerless over other people, places, and situations. You understand that you must avoid those toxic people, places, and situations to maintain your sobriety.
You have a very loving family. Your mother, grandmother, brothers, and sisters all know the real Doug. You will be a better man for all of this. So treat this period in your life as an asset, and grow from it. Everyone who knows Doug, loves Doug.
Let's stay in touch. If you need anything you know how to get ahold of me. Take care and God Bless. Please know that we all love you and support you. As you said, "one day at a time."
Paul Georgia