Every day I wake up to a new test. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone is tested. The life I am living at the time isn't even truly living... really I just exist. Most of everyday for me is the same. It is up to me to be productive in here. What I mean by being tested is this "new" way of life I am trying; this normal way of life (if you can call this normal); life as a sober person. I remember when I first got over my detox the jail doctors tried to push all these depression and anxiety medications on me. I was really turned off by this because it was the first time in my adult life that I was off of dope, let alone the first time I had no substance in me at all. I remember telling them that then saying let's just see how I do feeling emotion, real emotion. All I wanted was to know when I was really happy or sad or even angry. Let's just see how Douglas handles all this. My sober date is 9/10/10, the day after I was arrested. I know, I know this is a forced sobriety but don't think for a second that everything isn't in here with me. I'll also give you hint who they come to first when some narcotic hits the yard... they go to the ex-junkie. Am I the only recovering addict in here? No, but they still test me every time. I just don't want to be that kid anymore. I'm so sick of that life. I just want to enjoy those simple things in life. Those little things.
I had a visit tonight. I'm allowed 3 a week and I usually receive 2 a week. Anyways, it was my mom, my two bro's Andrew and Mitch, and my sister Alyssa. The visits are extremely bittersweet for everyone involved. I really believe that all of this is harder on them. I know when they walkout those doors... well, it crushes them that I can't go with them. Of course both my bro's have all the smart ass comments about prison. Anything from a shower joke to if my cellie's name is Bubba... not to mention I have a pot leaf tattoos on my ass, so they have a field day with that. It's all in fun, they are so much like me. I'm either going to laugh at all this or I'm going to cry. Laughing is easier. They stay strong for me and I try my best for them. I remember the first time they came to visit. I was at the max security prison named Dodge. It's where you go to get staffer. See I didn't let any of them come to visit me while I was in county jail. I wanted to tell them face to face, not between a piece of glass. I needed it to be personal so they could really see that I wanted to change! So I didn't see them for like 7 months. If you can imagine I wasn't the healthiest right before I got locked up. I was pretty sickly looking. Now it's 7 months later and I'm heavier than I've ever been plus I'm active gain and hitting the weights for the first time in my life! Haha. So I see everyone and have this amazing visit. Everything goes great and it ends. About a week later I call home and Mitch answers. We of course start talking about the visit. He goes on to say how nervous he was to see me. Ya know it was the longest I ever went without seeing him and he says he sees me enter the visiting room and I'm bigger than he's ever seen me, plus my hair was real short, and I mean short! He's watching me walk towards him and he was actually afraid of me... his brother who looks so different and is in a max prison. So he's scared he says, until I get close enough and he sees the tears running down my cheeks. Right then he starts laughing and says " you big girl, there's no crying in prison!" Haha. Little smart ass!
Andrew, Mitchel, Alyssa; if you ever read this I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am! I know I've said it 10 times over already but I can never say it enough... I am so sorry. Just know that this situation and all this pain will not be for nothing. When I was in that shower that day, it was you kids that saved my life. I will forever be in debt to you guys. You all are the most important thing in my life and I couldn't be more proud than to be your big brother... Always remember...One Family... One love.
Andrew, I also want you to know how sorry I am for taking your first weeks of high school away from you. You are a bigger man than I. The forgiveness that you've shown me has been overwhelming, it took me 10 years to forgive my father for the same thing... I had to miss my first weeks of my freshman year to attend to his funeral, and sure enough 10 years later here you are spending the first weeks of your freshman year watching your brother on the news and finding out how far I had fallen, that I may not be home for years. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, you should have only been concerned with school, girls, friends, and Friday night football, but instead I put a burden of worry over your head. You should have never had to go through that. I'll forever try to make it up to you. Just know you're loved and you be the coolest 16 year old kid I know. I love you bro!
I'm aware that I may ramble with these writings but you have to understand I have many hours to think... thinking about the past is hard! See I have no regrets, have I made mistakes? Yes! Of course! But I regret nothing. Everything I've gone through has made me me. Not to have a big head or anything but I like who I am... Endless Mistakes, Zero Regrets! It's what you do when you fall that defines you! A friend once told me "We all fall at some point. What counts is the determination we show to stand tall again! So let your bad today bring better tomorrow!"
I may be wrong in living that way but it's how I continue on. See prison isn't that "hard" on me, 1 year or 10 years... I'm going to do my time, like I said the hard part is knowing how hard it is on your loved ones. The innocent ones. I do deserve to be here 100%, but my family didn't do anything, except stand by me.
I know the "test has just begun but I'm finally ready to take it. Whatever life brings I'm ready to try it the right way... obviously my way didn't work, so let's try something else... let's take it a day at a time and let's keep it simple, again it's those little thins in life that make the big things so great!
Always remember... the good times.
'Til next time, Always,
Douglas
No comments:
Post a Comment