Never in my life has the statement: “It’s the final
countdown.” Rang so true in my world. By the time that this is posted I’ll be
right a 30 days. I have tons of fear, but I finally understand that I have two
kinds of fear. I have the fear that lives in my head and then the fear that
lives in my heart. Sadly the fear that was in my head always had to do with consequences…
prison, creating victims, and loss of relationships on all fronts. See, when I
was using my conscious went out the window along with those fears, as long as
my needle stayed sharp… well that’s all that mattered. Yet, the fear in my heart
was and is extremely powerful to me.
That fear is the fear of my own self-worth and ultimately my fear of death.
I bring up these fears because now that I have my sobriety,
I see how fear can be used as motivation. I never want to be “that guy” again.
Today as I write this, I am healthier than I’ve been in
years both physically and emotionally. I have in my life positive self-pride
and have learned how important it is to be humble. All I want now is to live my
life as a positive and productive person.
It’s hard to believe that I’m coming up on my 30th
month of incarceration. To me it’s not all sad and depressing. The sad part was
the negative and wasted years of my Heroin addiction. At least in these past 30
months, I’ve learned, grown, and accomplished goals. You may ask what in the hell could I possibly accomplish in
prison… ha-ha well, if you truly knew how bad it really was you’d see how lucky
I am to be writing this today.
So many days would go by and I would look out the window of
my jail cell, cursing the position that I put myself in. But it happened and I
was the person dealt with the consequences. These past years have not been in
vain and I couldn’t be more excited about where my life is going. I’m ready to
take the next step forward in my life and continue to battle my addiction in
the free world.
Life for me will be very difficult and different for me in
every way. My sobriety comes first… plain and simple. Also I must hold firm on
healthy boundaries with all in my life. I have many goals that I will continue
to strive for. It’s all so exciting for me! A chance I never thought I’d get
again.
Every day I thank God that I had the chance to come to this
program. My eyes have been opened time and time again; my drug use was only
part of my problem. My criminal thinking played such a huge part in my life…
really it still does. I battle daily with memories of the past, cravings, and reservations
on things that I believe I can still do. Even reading my past posts, much of my
thinking was still very messed up. My resentments and denial were huge defenses
that I had built up. I see now that for myself to gain forgiveness, I must
first forgive others. Is it easy? No, but seldom is anything that means
anything in this world. I’m just saying I don’t want that hate in my heart
anymore. These past 6 months have been the hardest 6 months that I’ve ever
faced. I’ve dug deeper and worked harder on myself than ever before. My squad,
squad #8, is my brothers! The 11 of us have laughed, cried, sweated, vented, and
poured our souls and secrets to each other. Through them I see that I am not
alone in my fears. They also give me hope and put an excitement into my recovery.
I can’t tell you how powerful it is to have other people that you respect be excited
about recovery and changing their life. It lets me know that I am not alone.
My journey will truly begin in 1 month; no longer will I
have staff members watching my every move. No longer will I have groups forced
upon me daily. I say forced because in one month I have the choice to
never step foot into another group in my life if I don’t want to. But, the
great thing is; now I crave these group settings I realize that I cannot battle
this on my own and you know what? I wouldn’t want to. Seldom in my life have I
felt power like I feel when I sit in a room full of recovering addicts and hear
them share their pain. They share not only for their own selfish reasons but
for the fact that they know that their openness may very well help to keep me
sober, even if it’s just for that day.
The greatest thing that I’ve got from this program is the
simple understanding that… my worst day sober is still better
than my best day using. No words have rang more true than those!
This letter is just that… a rambling of my fears. I’m coming
home a different person, a person that I’m happy to be and even proud of. But I’m
still afraid; my fears come to the base of what if I fail? What if people don’t
like the new Douglas? What if I’m looked at as a hypocrite? These fears may be
irrational but they are real. Really I can’t do anything about those fears
except face them. After all all you need to do is look at fear like so… F.ace
E.verything A.nd R.ecover. That’s what I now do. I face it, I life who I am. I
can finally say with pride the old me is dead and gone… now it’s just Douglas.
Thank you all for your support!
I will be home soon. I hope all is well with everyone. Take
care and stay positive.
Always,
Douglas
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