Fears In the Final Countdown

Never in my life has the statement: “It’s the final countdown.” Rang so true in my world. By the time that this is posted I’ll be right a 30 days. I have tons of fear, but I finally understand that I have two kinds of fear. I have the fear that lives in my head and then the fear that lives in my heart. Sadly the fear that was in my head always had to do with consequences… prison, creating victims, and loss of relationships on all fronts. See, when I was using my conscious went out the window along with those fears, as long as my needle stayed sharp… well that’s all that mattered. Yet, the fear in my heart was and is extremely powerful  to me. That fear is the fear of my own self-worth and ultimately my fear of death.

I bring up these fears because now that I have my sobriety, I see how fear can be used as motivation. I never want to be “that guy” again.

Today as I write this, I am healthier than I’ve been in years both physically and emotionally. I have in my life positive self-pride and have learned how important it is to be humble. All I want now is to live my life as a positive and productive person.

It’s hard to believe that I’m coming up on my 30^th month of incarceration. To me it’s not all sad and depressing. The sad part was the negative and wasted years of my Heroin addiction. At least in these past 30 months, I’ve learned, grown, and accomplished goals. You may ask what  in the hell could I possibly accomplish in prison… ha-ha well, if you truly knew how bad it really was you’d see how lucky I am to be writing this today.

So many days would go by and I would look out the window of my jail cell, cursing the position that I put myself in. But it happened and I was the person dealt with the consequences. These past years have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more excited about where my life is going. I’m ready to take the next step forward in my life and continue to battle my addiction in the free world.

Life for me will be very difficult and different for me in every way. My sobriety comes first… plain and simple. Also I must hold firm on healthy boundaries with all in my life. I have many goals that I will continue to strive for. It’s all so exciting for me! A chance I never thought I’d get again.

Every day I thank God that I had the chance to come to this program. My eyes have been opened time and time again; my drug use was only part of my problem. My criminal thinking played such a huge part in my life… really it still does. I battle daily with memories of the past, cravings, and reservations on things that I believe I can still do. Even reading my past posts, much of my thinking was still very messed up. My resentments and denial were huge defenses that I had built up. I see now that for myself to gain forgiveness, I must first forgive others. Is it easy? No, but seldom is anything that means anything in this world. I’m just saying I don’t want that hate in my heart anymore. These past 6 months have been the hardest 6 months that I’ve ever faced. I’ve dug deeper and worked harder on myself than ever before. My squad, squad #8, is my brothers! The 11 of us have laughed, cried, sweated, vented, and poured our souls and secrets to each other. Through them I see that I am not alone in my fears. They also give me hope and put an excitement into my recovery. I can’t tell you how powerful it is to have other people that you respect be excited about recovery and changing their life. It lets me know that I am not alone.

My journey will truly begin in 1 month; no longer will I have staff members watching my every move. No longer will I have groups forced upon me daily. I say forced because in one month I have the choice to never step foot into another group in my life if I don’t want to. But, the great thing is; now I crave these group settings I realize that I cannot battle this on my own and you know what? I wouldn’t want to. Seldom in my life have I felt power like I feel when I sit in a room full of recovering addicts and hear them share their pain. They share not only for their own selfish reasons but for the fact that they know that their openness may very well help to keep me sober, even if it’s just for that day.

The greatest thing that I’ve got from this program is the simple understanding that… my worst day sober is still better than my best day using. No words have rang more true than those!

This letter is just that… a rambling of my fears. I’m coming home a different person, a person that I’m happy to be and even proud of. But I’m still afraid; my fears come to the base of what if I fail? What if people don’t like the new Douglas? What if I’m looked at as a hypocrite? These fears may be irrational but they are real. Really I can’t do anything about those fears except face them. After all all you need to do is look at fear like so… F.ace E.verything A.nd R.ecover. That’s what I now do. I face it, I life who I am. I can finally say with pride the old me is dead and gone… now it’s just Douglas.

Thank you all for your support!

I will be home soon. I hope all is well with everyone. Take care and stay positive.

Always,

Douglas

Risk Taking is Free

To write in here is really messed up; I don’t get the same satisfaction as I usually do. Maybe it’s because I can only write in 30 min blocks and it’s hard for me to get my thoughts in order. But I’m doing my best to write again for myself.

Every day I have homework. I usually write essays about myself and how I relate to topics. Topics about my denial, resentment, and shame. Then the topics that really open my eyes… essays about me being a “King Baby” or how my grandiosity will someday kill me. They may sound like funny topics but they all have amazing truth to them.

The first two months here I tried playing a game. I was attempting to do my 180 days, a few pushups, and then go home. At about two month point I got into some trouble when a Sergeant here caught me talking and justifying much of my old drug use. Immediately I was put on “quitter status” and sat facing a wall for 5 days. Those 5 days turned my program around… see, I thought that I had done all the work in my recovery prior to coming here. I thought because I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to use that I was ready for the streets. I’ve gained more out of this last month than the 1^st two put together. I stopped and really took a look at my thinking. My thinking was still the thinking of an addict and a criminal.

I see now how my chemical dependency and thinking are one in the same. That’s something that needs to be under control before I enter society.

I talked about how I have fears about my emotions… well I’m definitely facing my fears, even if I’m not always willing. I’m taught the acronym for fear is F-ace, E-verything, A-nd R-ecover. I’m doing my best to live by that. I know a lot of this sounds like “treatment talk” but it works. It’s those tools in my life that I’ve longed for.

I’m 27 years old and I’m just starting my adult life… well my life as a responsible adult. A lot of guilt and shame goes into that sentence. To know how I’ve always taken the easy way or manipulated my loved ones is hard to face. My youngest brother Mitch just started his freshman year…haha I think back to my freshman year. J Heck, my high school years are something to reflect and smile about, for those of you who shared it with me… well you know why I smile. Those were some good years, years I never wanted to leave. For me the party kept going! Then when I finally stopped, I looked around and realized everyone was gone. That I tried so hard to keep those care free memories in my head that I neglected to take on any true responsibility. When it was all said and done, all I had was my addiction. My life then really falls apart and I earn my incarceration. It was then that people from my past started to write and listen to my writings. It was then that my outlook changed for the better! Not only was I excited and my future with sobriety, but I also began to see the good people again. I began to see the good in myself. A lot of that has to do with all the support that I have received. For that I will be forever grateful. Thank you all.

The streets approach quickly… maybe too quickly! J I know like all the other challenges of this journey, I will face them head on. Even the longest journeys begin with a single step.

For now I leave you with this… “It doesn’t matter where you’re from, but where you’re today.”

“Risk Taking is Free”

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.\To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom!

Only a person who risks……… is free!

-Author Unknown

It's Been Way Too Long

Received September 7, 2012

First off it feels great to put a pen to paper! I’ve been putting this off forever… I have been 100% focused on myself, ha ha not hard for me to do I’ve found out J But all joking aside, this program has been… amazing. It’s by far the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Forget all the physical aspects of the program; the mental part has me caught up in every emotion imaginable. The reason why this is so hard is the simple fact that I’m trying to change who I am and who I’ve been for so long.

As many of you know… I am happy to be clean but what the real issue is is my thinking. I’ve hung on to the idea that I could still live the lifestyle that I love without the using aspect… I’m realizing that I cant do that if I want to remain sober. So much of my thinking has come to light. To be honest, not only with others, but myself has been extremely scary. I’m learning about a lot of my ugly traits or even lack of traits. Such things as my own grandiosity, a trait I used to describe to myself as confident, but I took that characteristics to a dangerous level. Also the denial I have has been completely unhealthy. But that’s why I am here… I’m attempting to change my life. I’m truly grateful for my opportunity to come here. Yes, I hate every 16-hour day that I’m in this program, but I am learning and striving to be a new person. To live in reality is truly horrifying to me… for years I’ve lived in my own “safe” world… I called it D. Darby-land. Each day I learn how to break down a defense that I would have up to justify my actions of the past. I’m starting to heal and deal with the fact that I’ve been causing victims for years… I’m attempting to learn true remorse for what I’ve done.

It’s been a little over 90 days, half way done. In many ways I feel like I have such a long time ahead of me but in others I want to freak out because of how nervous I am to be put back into society. Am I ready? Will I be ready? Have I committed myself to change? Do I really want to change?... Will I fail?!?! Questions that I ask a 1000 times a day. Yet, only I have the answers. And only time will tell, for these are just words, actions will be the true testament.

I do miss everyone dearly! I wish I was able to write more but I simply do not have time, this letter alone has already taken me 3 days to write.

One of the most eye opening experience that I’ve talked about and tried my best to gain understanding of would be the acceptance on how close to death I was. I know, I know… I’ve written about this in the past but I’ve finally grasped what I went through. I now know that there are 3 different types of death. There is spiritual, emotional, and physical. I have been through 2 of the deaths and it almost brought on the 3^rd. I was so broken that I prayed that death would come, that it would come and take me from the pain. What I didn’t grasp was that I had caused this pain from my own actions. That it will be y actions that now ease the pain. To truly remember where I was… lying on he floor of a cell in my own vomit and crying, just praying to be taken from this Hell I was living. Death… would be a relief. But my Higher Power took over during those days. I had turned my will over. I was willing to accept help, real help to listen to someone else and look at all of my Demons. It took me coming here and understanding what it really takes to get sober… how much honesty it takes. There’s nothing easy about it, but I’m slowly putting the pieces back together. I’m not a changed man but I’m a changing man. That’s all I can ask for. For once I’m admitting my fears, and I fear myself, I know what a monster I can be.

Every day I become more confident in myself and not in a grandiose way. I’m letting go of my self-defeating pride and building my self-esteem. The tools that I’m learning are not just of recovery. They are tools to live a healthy life and I believe to live a happy life.

So I was doing homework today and a picture clicked in my head. The aspect of letting go of resentment. It was a light that showed me a path to my thinking. As I put together my denial, passive aggressive anger, resentment, and most of all my chemical dependency. I really start to see what kind of fire I had burning in me, the path to self-destruction was just a matter of time.

Every day, just like today, I’m exhausted. The rollercoaster that goes on here is 100% nerve racking but its all in the healing of myself. Writing this post has taken 5 days and I feel as I haven’t even scratched the surface. I want to tell so much more but at the end of my days, I’m not even in the right mind frame to write. I very much look forward to the day that I’m home and can reflect on this entire journey. From the start to the present it has been a crazy ride and who knows where the next step will be. All I know is it will be a step forward and in the right direction.

For now… this is where I’ll stop. I will write again when the time feels right. Thank you all for your support.

One of the most powerful quotes that I’ve learned here…”The truth often hurts, but it’s the lie that leaves the scar!”

Always,

Douglas

My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

*A Message from Doug*

From Doug: Hi everyone! Thank you for all of the support I can not tell you enough how much it means to me. I am right now waiting to get into my program. I start May 30th. This program means a lot to me and I need to focus on me. So, I will be blogging still, but not as often as I will not have as much time as I have had recently. I am asking that if you want to reach out to me to please do it through my blog, on fb, or write a letter and save it (or send to Abby Abby Baumgart Hendrix to save for me). I can not wait to talk to you all and see you when I am done! Thank you. Always, Douglas

Showers and Random Thoughts

Written 5/1/12

Tonight was my last night of 3^rd shift sanitation work. I clean the showers at night. I’m trying to get back on a normal sleep schedule for boot camp.

My brother Mitch has been telling me for months now that I should tell this story… since it’s my last night working I will…

It was my first week on the job. On my unit there are two sets of showers, east side and north side. I live on the east side so I always clean ours first. I finished scrubbing the walls and floors, all I have left is mopping. So I grab the mop and head back to the shower. All of a sudden my feet come out from under me. I’m not talking about when you slip and catch yourself, this was the kind of slip when you are horizontal in the air and you can see your shoe laces. I come down… crash! Now I’m wet, I’m in pain, and most of all I’m pissed. I’m soaked head to toe and I know I have to still clean another shower. Plus I’m in pain. I just busted my ass in a serious way. Then it hits me! O-fuck… “Doug get up, who knows what you’re laying in!” AAAAAHHHHHH YUCK!!! Man, I still get the creeps. God only knows what I could have been laying in. Boy, was I then even more upset at myself. I get up and limp my ass out of the bathroom and the 2 guards are looking at me crazy! One smiles when he sees that I’m soaking wet and says “Rough day at work?” Haha fucking jerk… I had 3 or 4 four letter words that I would have loves to express to him but I bit my tongue and just nodded my head. Haha it’s funny looking back on it… actually… no, no it’s not! J

So the birds are out in full force, its spring so they are nesting. Now I’m not talking about pretty birds. I’m talking about garbage birds… Seagulls! If you have ever driven through Oshkosh on highway 41, then you have seen Oshkosh prison and right next to the prison is a landfill (garbage dump). Now the landfill is no big deal because its not in use anymore. They have covered it with dirt so it doesn’t smell or anything like that. But when it was open the seagulls took over and they are still here! Generations of birds and I’m not talking shit around here there’s thousands of these bastards! When a fox runs through the field and they all take off at once… well its almost intimidating… it’s like they block out the sun. And they are fearless! I wear sunglasses just so they don’t come at my eyes! Haha. Nah. I’m just playing about that but really its crazy how many of them there really is.

Don’t really know where I’m going with this blog… just kind of talking.

Next let’s talk crimes… if you remember I told you how I was locked up with every kind of criminal that you can think of. Let me tell you about a few on my unit that make me laugh. By far of the funniest have to be the dog fuckers… yes, that was fucker”s”… plural! Don’t know all the details… haha never asked. But I believe one sucked off a Doberman… ahahahahahahahaha! Aaaawwww that’s so funny! Forget the question on why you did it but my question is how did you get caught? Did the dog pull a Scooby-doo and say “rut-roe?!” J And they aren’t alone! Since being locked up I haven’t met another person who has robbed a pharmacy but love making with a pooch… 2 of them on my unit! Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone or hear a story and think “where are these people in the real world? Why don’t I see people like this on the streets?” Then you realize… o-yea they are in prison! Ha!

Yea I know this post wasn’t really about anything but haha made me smile! God, I can’t wait to get out of here! People are crazy… you really have no idea. They are nutz!

Peace out!

Douglas

Emotions

Written: 4/30/12

It’s really starting to hit me that I’ll be going home. I mean I’ve always had hope that I’d go home early. But I always told myself that programs are not for sure and you will then have to do your entire sentence. That would mean I go home Jan. 11^th 2015. Believe me I know I still have to complete this program but I know with every part of my being that I will not fail this program. So I’ll be home soon… really soon and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I’m having feelings that I haven’t felt in years. As crazy as it may sound… it’s the feelings of joy or even of love that is giving me the most trouble.

I’ve been able to deal with everything in here without batting an eye… all that time I was facing… no problem! Getting clean… hardest thing in my life but what made it easy was the fact that I wanted it. Even the tie I was sentenced to… day at a time, 1 day or 10 years, I’m going to do it and be better for it. But ow I have all these amazing people coming back into my life! I’m in contact with them through the mail and phone! I have this joy and excitement in my heart… it’s so overwhelming that it almost hurts. I can’t shake the feeling. Some of the letters I get… I read them 10 or 20 times.

I recently received a letter from someone who I was extremely close to. I haven’t been a part of this person’s life pin years… yet we picked up as if we hadn’t missed a day. When I heard her voice… it just made shit so real for me! Here we were making plans for when I got out, and it's not these hypothetical plans like it’s been over the last few years. I can finally put a date on these plans.

Holy shit! I am terrified! I don’t even know why or what about! Man, all I can do is smile and laugh; I shake my head and put on the radio.

Maybe I’m just realizing that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I just wasn’t feeding myself bullshit so I could make it through this place. Happily ever after might actually be a real thing!

Emotions1 Man they can be a bitch. All I can do is put it on paper… this is my outlet, my way of screaming.

I’m going to be a basket case when I get out. Haha. Again I’ll be fine… I’m just going to stick to the plan. Take it a day at a time and do me.

To everyone: Thanx for all the support and new emotion. Can’t wait to show you all how much it’s meant to me!

Always,

Douglas