My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas

My Response

Written: 4/16/12

Man, what a day! Prison can be a powerless place to be. Today was a day when I had many emotions, many of them I felt two or three times just at different point of the day. I had to wrestle with myself over and over on whether or not I wanted to write this blog. Everyone that I talked to just told me “to leave it alone” or “she’s just looking for a reaction!” Well, Abigail if that’s true… if you wanted a reaction out of me, or I should say if you wanted to hurt me, let me be the 1^st to say congrats! That shit you posted about me on your Facebook crushed me!

Your 1^st quote from T-Pain, you called me a punk bitch who’s getting fucked in prison… HaHa that shit I can live with. Well even laugh at! I mean come on I have teenage brothers that come up with more clever shit than that! But you saying “Hey P. Farbs good luck on yo 12 years stayed imposed sentence.” Not going to lie, that shit cut deep. You’re really going to wish bad on me like that? You’re going to hope for me to do another 12 years on top of the 3 I’m already going to have done? That’s fucked up! And it’s even more fucked up because you yourself just caught a dope case; you’re going to wish more prison time on me, when you just caught a class D felony plus two more lower felonies? That class D felony is a 25 year max, sweetheart, that’s no slap on the wrist!

Abs I haven’t even spoken to you since August. I’ve stayed out of your life, wished you nothing but happiness and then you put your Facebook back up and take shots at me like that. I really don’t understand. Did I really hurt you that bad? I’m the 1^st to admit I was a shit boyfriend; I made more mistakes than I can count and told more lies than I care to admit. What makes you the maddest? Or was it that I used to cut your Heroin? Extremely selfish on my part! This I know. My cards are on the table… I’ve apologized over and over and again from the bottom of my heart. I’m so sorry. I don’t ask for forgiveness, I probably don’t deserve it. All I ask is that you keep my name out of your mouth! Do you realize that you may be walking into prison right around the time I’m walking out? I may be the only person in your life that truly understands what you’re going through, and what you may go through.

Hell Abby, this isn’t even how I wanted to say all this… but your family wouldn’t give you my mail even if I did send a letter, they’ve proved that. So since you made it apparent that social networking is how you’d like to throw shots, well this is my response.

Things went bad between us that I get! But at one time you were my Bonnie, I was your Clyde. We did every crime together, except the pharmacy robbery… It was us against the world! We were partners in crime and love! There was even a time when I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me… I asked you to be my wife… and you said yes. Things change O.K., but Abby I want you to go find sobriety, find happiness! I still wish nothing but the best for you and truly wish things were different, but they are not and I cannot change the past! Sometimes love just isn’t enough! I don’t want a damn thing from you… nothing. You’re going to do you no matter what and there’s not much I can do about it. You’re going to do what you wanna do and say what you wanna say. So do you! I’m just trying to move forward with my life.

I’ve said my peace in this letter… your business is yours, let mine be mine. I know this letter will probably piss you off, just like your comments hurt me! You know what? That’s OK because it’s great to feel pain and anger, let’s you know you’re alive! And I couldn’t be happier to know that tomorrow is going to come. I’m finally ready!

So since you like quoting rappers, let me quote 2-Pac… “Hell, I ain’t mad at ya… got nothing but love for ya!” Abby take inspiration from the music, use it to build you up... You really want to tear me down or anyone else for that matter?

Take care Abigail and stay positive, always remember… the good times! You won’t take me up on my offer but if you need anything and I mean anything... I’m here. You know where to find me. Be safe!

Best wishes,

Douglas

Checks and Balances

Written 4/13/12

So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well, they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:

“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no control over anybody but yourself.”

I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right! 100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want something else in this life. I’m done with it.

But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison, not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last sentence out of context.  I want to have a full life outside of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say, I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.

When I 1^st got locked up I told myself I was going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out. Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

'Cuz Someone's Looking Out For Me

Written 4/12/12

Many of yous (Note: yes he actually write yous) have either heard me talk of my cousin Abby or had the pleasure to talk to her yourself on my Facebook. I call Abby my cousin but truth be aren’t’ blood at all… see her grandmother married my grandfather before each of us were born. Don’t get me wrong we were raised as cousins for the start of our childhood, but when our Grandpa Louis passed away… well both sides of our families split. I remember seeing my Grandpa right before he passed, he told me “Douglas, always call an ace an ace and a spade a spade.” It took me many years to understand that saying. His final wish was for his two Grandchildren who were mere months apart in age to stay close. Abby and I were the only two to keep in touch over the years. I may call Abby my cousin but in all reality… Abby is my best friend. And I couldn’t have a better one than I do in her. Like everyone else in my life, when I started using drugs, I started pushing people away! Abby was no different… I lost touch with her. I was 20 years old the last time I saw her. When I was arrested she was the 1^st person to write me. She told me how she has been searching for me for years, but she could never reach me, until her mom sent her my article of my arrest in the newspaper. During those 13 days that I was waiting on the police to come get me I set up pa Facebook page… I really don’t know why I set it up but I did. I remember the second letter that Abby wrote to me saying she just found my Facebook pare and that I had spelled my last name wrong! pI had no idea and frankly didn’t believe her… but I did, I spelled it Dabry, instead of Darby. You know you’re fucked up when you spell your own last name wrong! Man, how embarrassing! Abby has been with me from the start. She’s never judged me, has she sugar coated anything? Hell No! She’s a fighter and doesn’t let me sell myself short, If I’m on bullshit she’s the 1^st to tell me! She tells me like it is, like in her last letter she put it bluntly… saying “stay strong, miss you much! Don’t Fuck Up! Love, Abby” Ha Ha. When I first got locked up I was getting in a lot of trouble and I was fighting in Dodge. Her acting like my big sister, she put me in my place. She knew if I continued to cause trouble or if I got caught fighting, that I would trick off my program and up doing my whole 4 years. I’m proud to say since getting to prison I haven’t caught a single ticket and have really prioritized my life! She had faith in me even when I didn’t. She does so much for me! Not only is she my rock but also my therapist (which she has a degree in), my Facebook and blog manager, and she relays all my messages. But to me, she’s my best friend! She is the very definition of loyalty, honesty, and being open minded!

Thank you Abby!

Always Remember... One Family, One Love!

So with all that positive support and a few kicks in the ass, it seems to have paid off! Once again it looks like both my mom and Abby were right again! I went and had my physical for boot camp!  Sooooo I’m 99% sure that I’ll be going in the next month or two, which means… I’ll be home in 8 months, 10 at the most. Let me be the 1^st to say “Hell Fucking Yea! Look out Douglas is coming home!” To say the least, I’m pumped! Boot camp is gonna be a bitch but shit I’d crawl through hot coals. I’m rounding 3^rd, headed for home. The final stretch is on! Can’t wait.

I’ll find out next week for sure. All signs point that way though. See you all soon!

The real test will then begin. A test I’m ready to take.

“I came out at the darkness… I got one more shot at living… I got a little roughed up, Yea… I really got fucked up! I can see the light ‘cuz someone’s looking out for me!”

Gotta love them lyrics. Inspiration is everywhere; you just gotta take the time to see it! Like I said I now find it in the little things. Fuck the world! Turn the negative into positive! Me, I’m a glass is always half full, some people can’t see it that way, to them its always going to be half empty. And that’s OK. But just know you can always get a refill!

Like the great mind of Milton who wrote in Paradise Lost: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven!” or even Shakespeare, who observed “There is nothing either good or bad except that thinking makes it so.”

Even the most ugly things can hold beauty... just open your eyes and look, it’s there.

So until next time I’m gonna keep my eyes open so I don’t miss a thing/ Im ready to see some real beauty, I can only pick out so much from razor wire. Soon enough, soon enough.

Peace out!

Douglas

The Game

4/4/12

I want to start by thanking so many of you. Your support has been amazing! I have fallen behind in my letter response the last week. Obviously time is not the problem. J I just have to step my stamp game up. I have to order them from a prison catalog and it takes a bit to receive the order. So please don’t think that I’m not going to write you back… I am! I just wanted to let everyone know.

They call it the “game…” drugs, drug dealing, crime in general. I saw so many kids playing with fire while I was involved with it. See you don’t do things I do without knowing that prison is right around the corner. For me I knew that prison was in my future. It wasn’t a matter of if but when. So many people don’t understand that it’s a double edge sword. Yes, there’s the high, the money, and of course the power! For me he power was the best! To have something that someone wants or needs for that matter is very powerful! Driving for hours with a car load full of drugs… then making it home and shutting the garage door… you think “I made it! I fucking made it!” I had to take pride in my drug use and dealing. I wanted to be the best… I strived for it. I wanted to do the most, have the best quality, and have the top connections. This may sound insane but it’s the truth, shit, ask anyone who partied with me. Who says you have to be a rock star to party like one. The point I’m trying to make is there is a whole different side to things. The other edge of the sword. Of course there’s prison. But I’ve been robbed at gun point… put to my knees, guns to my head. I’ve been screwed out of 10’s of thousands of dollars… and then I still had to pay my debts. The problem with having top connections… well they don’t play about money… They’d give me whatever I wanted and sometimes more. Even on the flip if I needed it out on pay day, you better come right. Most were people I considered friends but in this game business is business.

I’m not saying this because I want to preach. I’m just saying it the way it happened to me. No one was ever going to tell me different, I was going to do me… no matter what. I’m just trying to shed some light on what really happens in the game. You can’t beat the game… I tried and I made it a long time, 10+ years, but in the end it’s all the same for everyone… jails, institutions, or death. They say crime doesn’t pay… bullshit! It pays and it pays really well. It may be a hippie white kid from the suburbs but I’ve played the game with the best of them. I’ve put in my work. But in the end I was no exception to the rule… I still lost. They say ball till you fall! Well, I fell! HARD! But watch what I do this next round! J

I strive for a new high now. Hahah hell… if I put a fraction of effort into my recovery that I did into getting high… well then D. Darbs AKA me, has got this. I know what I need to do. I don’t try to act like I got this addiction licked. I don’t. I never will. I will forever be an addict. In Narcotics Anonymous we talk about how drugs are cunning, baffling, and powerful, but I also believe that they are patient. Not only do they wait for you in a moment of weakness but also when you are at the top of your game. If you don’t believe me, well look at my own father… he had the world by the balls. Sober 10 years, had his son in his life, had a new family and woman that truly loved him, plus he was at the top of his game when it came to his career. The story with my father… he also was an addict… addicted to it all, just like me.  It didn’t matter the substance. Coke, weed, alcohol, or Heroin… Did it all, loved it all. My mom has always loved my father, it was him that told her to take me and leave. He told her “Tami I’m not strong enough to get clean… if you stay I will destroy this family. Take Douglas and go!” And she did. I was 2 years old. When I was 4, my father finally sobered up. After that I began to spend my summers with him out in Washington. Some of the best days of my life. Any way things were great. Then in the summer of my 13^th birthday I went out there and I saw him drinking. I still had a good summer but things were different. I remember boarding the plane to go back to WI. My dad always wore sunglasses when I was leaving because he would be crying and he didn’t want me to see his tears. Well I asked him to take off his glasses… He did and I told him… “Dad, you lost mom! Don’t lose me too!” That was the last time I ever saw my dad alive. I remember the tears in his eyes… I never saw him cry before. Two years later I was sitting in Los Banditos having lunch with my mom and dad, Bruce. When we left my mom had a voicemail from her work saying to call my Grandmother in Washington. Looking back on it now, she knew right away. I remember every aspect of that day. On the way to my dad’s business, he kept trying to lighten the mood. Finally, my mom leaned over and whispered in his ear. Before that moment I didn’t think it was my dad… anyone but my father. She whispered… “It’s Danny!!” I went numb after that. We got to the furniture store and I sat in my dad’s office while my mom pot on the phone and called Washington. Two minutes into the call… she started balling and looked at me… she couldn’t even say the words… finally she got it out. “Baby, it’s your dad… he’s gone…” Everything after that is just a blur.  I was 15… it was the worst day of my life. He left me a suicide note, the context of the letter is just for me though but he made no excuse… He was just tired of falling… He knew what to do to get up. But just like everyone else… He wasn’t an exception to the rule… The game took a good man that day! The day was Aug. 26, 2000; on Aug. 26, 2010 I fell…

I love you Dad, Don’t worry!

I GOT UP!

Till next time,

Douglas

These scars

I have these scars on my arms… Right where my arms bend of course, they are from shooting up Dope for so long. They aren’t overly noticeable but yea, you can definitely pick them out. I have mixed feelings about them. On one hand they embarrass me. Being a junkie is not something I wanted but then again they are a part of me. I’m not ashamed of them and if people ask me what happened… I’m honest. They serve as my daily reminders, never again, never forget!

I just got some recent pics taken in here. I really never wanted pictures of me in here, but my family has a way of giving me “gentle pushes” towards doing something. When I sent some to my cousin I told her to update my Facebook with them. I figured it was time to get me with something besides dreads on there. I remember avoiding the camera the last couple years… Shit, I avoided mirrors too… From my poem/rap: “In the mirror my reflection was a stranger to me/When she was with me, that was me, that’s even stranger to me” I remember seeing myself in the mirror, ooohhh, my arms were so bad… black and blue tracks, from my shoulders down to my wrists. Putting cover up on my neck to hide the needle marks from there too… it was a painful sight. Before getting locked up I didn’t wear a short sleeve shirt for like 3 years. So you avoid things like cameras and mirrors. I’ve always loved getting my picture taken; yes I’m vain like that. But I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw, so I stopped looking. No I don’t like where I am but at least I know who I am again and I’ll take that any day. I like who I see again.

My scars are my war wounds, I will not hide them. They are a part of me and represent everything I stand for… my scars like my addiction will never go away but they do not define me. I understand I suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

I had a “bad” night last night. And that’s OK; they happen. The difference is I dealt with it in a healthy way. I knew tomorrow would come and I’d be alright. Then sure as shit when I got up this morning I had mail waiting for me from Justine Hornick. From the very start she put a smile on my face, see she made me look like a fool and I knew it. I have to remind myself where I’m at! This is a bad place where bad people go. She reminded me that there is more good than evil out there! That’s why I’m really trying to keep those positive forces in my life! I don’t need the negative people as the Five Finger Death Punch song “Remember Everything” goes… If we could change the past, would that change the end/You’d say that I’ll never change/But what the fuck do you know!?! I know people doubt me… That’s cool; I’ll kill them with success! J You don’t gotta believe my words, I probably wouldn’t either… I’m not asking for you to believe me, just give me a chance to show you, that’s all I really ask. Hell, I really think there may be people who don’t want to see “this Douglas” and that’s OK too. I hated who I had become, I was everything that I never wanted to be; still not the man I want to be but I feel closer and closer every day, that’s all I can ask for… I’m happy!

Peace, Douglas

P.S. 4/3/12: Great quote that Anna Marks sent me...fits this post perfect and I had this wrote days before I got her letter... Crazy.

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you!"

Thanks Anna! Love it!

A Moment of Sadness

It’s 2:26 am; I do most of my writing late at night… I had no plans to write tonight. But tonight, well very simply I’m sad tonight.  I really can’t put a finger on why, today was a normal day. But for the last hour I’ve just sat here looking out my window, listening to music and am deep in thought. Hell, I don’t even know where I’m going with this… I’m just sick of being here, plain and simple I’m sick of the people I’m around. Don’t’ get it twisted I have people here that I call my friends, my cellie’s name is James but everyone calls him BG. He keeps me sane around here. He’s 29 years old He’s a champ at doing time! He has been down 11 years and has 18 more to go; yes he is down for murder. He was put in a position and it was either him or the other guy. Kill or be killed… he picked living, even if living meant a 30 year prison sentence. See I’m not sick of this like that I’m living because of the time I have left, I’m going to be home soon enough. It’s the mother fuckers I have to deal with daily, the people I have to live with. The decent people in here are far and few between. What I’m getting at are all the child molesters that I have to look at daily, the horrible details of their crimes that get talked about around here. You can’t not listen because in here you have to know who they are. If I told you the details of some of these monster’s crimes… man, you’d want to cry and puke all at the same time. Not to mention I’m at a prison that has SOT (Sex Offender Treatment) so they are everywhere! You know I can justify any crime, really I can! Even murder, there is a gray area for every crime except sexual assault and crimes against children. Many of you know my past when it comes to sexual abuse… I’s just hard and painful, to know how man monsters are out there. Thank God I have people in here like BG to have my back and can share a word of wisdom on days when I feel like my head is going to explode. I read a lot in here… I just finished the book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Great book. Don’t’ get me wrong… I loved it, shit I finished it in days. Tonight I started the sequel. As I was staring out the window, I felt tears going down my face… I’m just so sick of all the violence. It seems like it’s everywhere. Not only do I live it daily, but I then have it in my entertainment. I can’t watch Green Bay news because I am scared to death to hear something bad has happened to a loved one. And I’ll be helpless. Helpless is a bad feeling. I’m not trying to sound like a bitch that’s not my intention… life is great. I do know everything is going to be just fine, I just wish I could do more. I guess I’m just starting to truly feel again. Maybe I don’t know how to process things the “right” way. I’m trying though. Good, bad, or scary it’s just nice to feel. I feel no shame in crying, I’ve always been a sensitive kid and here in the dark it’s almost OK to cry. Almost. J

I don’t fear failure, I know I won’t. You can’t shit on my confidence, there’s not one thing I doubt about myself. I know who I am! Far from perfect but hell I wouldn’t want to be. I just want to keep my life simple and find real happiness, not that fake happiness that starts with a needle or a line but real happiness that starts with the little things, the simple things. Again life is simple; it’s us who make things difficult.

I guess I had to just get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Whatever it may be… I feel better. So I guess that’s a plus.

Till Next Time

Douglas

Heroin. My Girlfriend.

So as you all know, it's been wonderful weather. As I walk the yard I still have a hard time accepting where I am. To be confined is a surreal thing for me. See I'm a warm weather kind of guy. So when it's nice out it is very bitter sweet for me. Yes, I make the best of this but I still never want to forget these days. When I first got here I met a person who will be a lifelong friend to me, for now I will call him "New York," his home is of course in New York City. Anyway, both he and I came to Oshkosh prison on the same day. From that day on he and I became very good friends. You may wonder how you can become such close friends in such a short time, you have to understand that you spend every waking moment with other inmates. You become to know everything about them... True colors are shown rather quickly. When we came here in July it was the first time I had been outside since the previous September. One day he and I were walking outside right at dusk. I mentioned how amazing the sky and sunset looked. He stopped me and looked me dead in the eyes and said something that I'll never forget... he told me to forget the sky while I'm in here. "Doug, you look at those electric fences and all that razor wire! You will have the rest of your life to enjoy the sunsets and other things but right now you remember the feeling of confinement, what it really feels like." Anyone can know the meaning... confinement, a confining or being confined; imprisonment, limitation, restriction, restraint. But to feel confinement is something totally different. To feel it is something I can not explain. But it is very humbling and something I certainly needed. Thanx New York, you be my guy for life. Partners in Crime... Brothers Doing Time!

The hardest time I've done was my time in Dodge prison... It was at a max joint so you are locked down for 23 hours a day. I wrote a poem/rap during this time. It's called My Girlfriend, the context of the poem is that Heroin had become my life, my everything, my girlfriend. Again the entire thing is about my life on Heroin... like the first two lines "when we met I knew she was from Pakistan" ... a lot of Heroin is from Pakistan. "Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan"... The color of most of my Heroin was tan or brown. If you have any questions on it or it you don't understand a part, just ask and I'll elaborate. I always enjoy comments, questions, and feedback. This was not something I just put together one day... this took me the better part of two weeks. In my head the beat and chorus goes to the song Just Me & My Girlfriend.

My Girlfriend
When we met, I knew she was from Pakistan
Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan
I'd pick her up from the hood and feel like I had to
Have her right there, pull over and stab her
She let me do her anywhere, from da Jeep to the store's piss stained bathroom with graffiti on the door
Monkey so damn fat, kept me fucking for hours
High maintenance bitch, blow a couple hundred in a hour
Every time we spoke was pure line after line, she rode with me crime after crime, time after time,
Yo, I never been a stranger to breakin the law
Every time I'd make some change she'd be taking it all
I know alot of dirty ass cats that banged her raw
But that never stopped me from breaking her off

(chorus)
My girlfriend
All I need in this life of sin
Just me and my girlfriend
Down to ride to the bloody end
Just me and my girlfriend
(2x)

My girlfriend, it felt like I was dying without her,
Crouching, crying in the shower, taking five every hour
I ain't slept for weeks after the last time that I saw her
How can such a monstrous power come from such a harmless flower?
No controllin' the goosebumps when I thought about having her
Why'd the bitch have me sweatin'?
She was making me colder
I recall phonin' those who know her, no-one's seen her at all
Stomach raw, dry heaving, hadn't eaten at all
In the mirror, my reflection was a stranger to me
When she was with me, that was me! That's even stranger to me
Time was movin' so slow after she ran out, no doubt!
I know for sure she had this all planned out
Momma said that this would happen if I didn't stop seeing her
But it was me and her, momma didn't see what I'd seen in her
I wish I woulda seen at first, she was just out to fuck me!
Yea, I needed her like salt is what a snail needs!

Chorus 2x

My girlfriend, I still love that crazy bitch
I still want her but she makes me sick
Thinking bout her in the sack, yea I can still taste that bitch
What a dysfunctional relationship
She still calls me all the time sayin "Don't you miss me? I'll make everything fine, Doug please come get me."
Then I think, like I forgot about the sleepless nights
Ridin round lookin for you in the streets all night ot how you talked me into robbing all those places for you!
I'm 25 facing 65 years on this case for you!
Bitch! Now I'm 26 doing 4 years in da pen for you!
I can't express the magnitude of my hatred for you
We had a lota great times
But bitch, I hate you! We're through!

My girlfriend

So yea, that's "my rap" hahaha gangster... I know :) But it's mine and it comes from the heart.

As hard as it is to start over, in a lot of ways it's very refreshing. Once I got locked up, well I put all the cards on the table. I wasn't just a junkie but I was a bad boyfriend and a shit friend and a disappointing part of my family and society for that matter. This is my rebirth, my resurrection if you will. I'll never quit on my dreams again, as Eminem says "the only thing I've ever quit was using!" Not only did I have to get the toxins out of me but I had to get the toxic mentalities out too, not to mention all the toxic people. But I'm trying to become the person I truly believe I can become. I've had a few relationships with someone for the last decade and I had love for those women. I promise I really did but I by no means was faithful or a good person. I've always "wanted my cake and to eat it too!" To me cheating is unforgivable, 100% if I find out that you've cheated on me... well we all done. No questions asked. Now I know that my way of thinking is fucked up because I believe that if you're good enough to do it and I don't find out, well no harm because I don't know. But I don't think you good enough to not get caught, me on the other hand, I'm so narcissistic that I believe I'm good enough to get away with it. Wow, I know I'm totally messed up but that's what I used to believe. Trust me it's not how I want to be! I know I'll never get true love in my life living that way. Again it's not just about giving up my addiction but all my addictive mentalities. I can admit my faults and now all I can do is try my best to get what I want out of this life. I'm just trying to be 100% honest for the first time in my life. These writings are so if I ever forget, I can have a reminder. To never forget where I've been and where I want to go!

'Til Next Time,

Douglas

Every Day is a Test

Every day I wake up to a new test. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone is tested. The life I am living at the time isn't even truly living... really I just exist. Most of everyday for me is the same. It is up to me to be productive in here. What I mean by being tested is this "new" way of life I am trying; this normal way of life (if you can call this normal); life as a sober person. I remember when I first got over my detox the jail doctors tried to push all these depression and anxiety medications on me. I was really turned off by this because it was the first time in my adult life that I was off of dope, let alone the first time I had no substance in me at all. I remember telling them that then saying let's just see how I do feeling emotion, real emotion. All I wanted was to know when I was really happy or sad or even angry. Let's just see how Douglas handles all this. My sober date is 9/10/10, the day after I was arrested. I know, I know this is a forced sobriety but don't think for a second that everything isn't in here with me. I'll also give you  hint who they come to first when some narcotic hits the yard... they go to the ex-junkie. Am I the only recovering addict in here? No, but they still test me every time. I just don't want to be that kid anymore. I'm so sick of that life. I just want to enjoy those simple things in life. Those little things.

I had a visit tonight. I'm allowed 3 a week and I usually receive 2 a week. Anyways, it was my mom, my two bro's Andrew and Mitch, and my sister Alyssa. The visits are extremely bittersweet for everyone involved. I really believe that all of this is harder on them. I know when they walkout those doors... well, it crushes them that I can't go with them. Of course both my bro's have all the smart ass comments about prison. Anything from a shower joke to if my cellie's name is Bubba... not to mention I have a pot leaf tattoos on my ass, so they have a field day with that. It's all in fun, they are so much like me. I'm either going to laugh at all this or I'm going to cry. Laughing is easier. They stay strong for me and I try my best for them. I remember the first time they came to visit. I was at the max security prison named Dodge. It's where you go to get staffer. See I didn't let any of them come to visit me while I was in county jail. I wanted to tell them face to face, not between a piece of glass. I needed it to be personal so they could really see that I wanted to change! So I didn't see them for like 7 months. If you can imagine I wasn't the healthiest right before I got locked up. I was pretty sickly looking. Now it's 7 months later and I'm heavier than I've ever been plus I'm active gain and hitting the weights for the first time in my life! Haha. So I see everyone and have this amazing visit. Everything goes great and it ends. About a week later I call home and Mitch answers. We of course start talking about the visit. He goes on to say how nervous he was to see me. Ya know it was the longest I ever went without seeing him and he says he sees me enter the visiting room and I'm bigger than he's ever seen me, plus my hair was real short, and I mean short! He's watching me walk towards him and he was actually afraid of me... his brother who looks so different and is in a max prison. So he's scared he says, until I get close enough and he sees the tears running down my cheeks. Right then he starts laughing and says " you big girl, there's no crying in prison!" Haha. Little smart ass!

Andrew, Mitchel, Alyssa; if you ever read this I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am! I know I've said it 10 times over already but I can never say it enough... I am so sorry. Just know that this situation and all this pain will not be for nothing. When I was in that shower that day, it was you kids that saved my life. I will forever be in debt to you guys. You all are the most important thing in my life and I couldn't be more proud than to be your big brother... Always remember...One Family... One love.

Andrew, I also want you to know how sorry I am for taking your first weeks of high school away from you. You are a bigger man than I. The forgiveness that you've shown me has been overwhelming, it took me 10 years to forgive my father for the same thing... I had to miss my first weeks of my freshman year to attend to his funeral, and sure enough 10 years later here you are spending the first weeks of your freshman year watching your brother on the news and finding out how far I had fallen, that I may not be home for years. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, you should have only been concerned with school, girls, friends, and Friday night football, but instead I put a burden of worry over your head. You should have never had to go through that. I'll forever try to make it up to you. Just know you're loved and you be the coolest 16 year old kid I know. I love you bro!

I'm aware that I may ramble with these writings but you have to understand I have many hours to think... thinking about the past is hard! See I have no regrets, have I made mistakes? Yes! Of course! But I regret nothing. Everything I've gone through has made me me. Not to have a big head or anything but I like who I am... Endless Mistakes, Zero Regrets! It's what you do when you fall that defines you! A friend once told me "We all fall at some point. What counts is the determination we show to stand tall again! So let your bad today bring better tomorrow!"

I may be wrong in living that way but it's how I continue on. See prison isn't that "hard" on me, 1 year or 10 years... I'm going to do my time, like I said the hard part is knowing how hard it is on your loved ones. The innocent ones. I do deserve to be here 100%, but my family didn't do anything, except stand by me.

I know the "test has just begun but I'm finally ready to take it. Whatever life brings I'm ready to try it the right way... obviously my way didn't work, so let's try something else... let's take it a day at a time and let's keep it simple, again it's those little thins in life that make the big things so great!

Always remember... the good times.

'Til next time, Always,

Douglas