My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

Emotions

Written: 4/30/12

It’s really starting to hit me that I’ll be going home. I mean I’ve always had hope that I’d go home early. But I always told myself that programs are not for sure and you will then have to do your entire sentence. That would mean I go home Jan. 11^th 2015. Believe me I know I still have to complete this program but I know with every part of my being that I will not fail this program. So I’ll be home soon… really soon and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I’m having feelings that I haven’t felt in years. As crazy as it may sound… it’s the feelings of joy or even of love that is giving me the most trouble.

I’ve been able to deal with everything in here without batting an eye… all that time I was facing… no problem! Getting clean… hardest thing in my life but what made it easy was the fact that I wanted it. Even the tie I was sentenced to… day at a time, 1 day or 10 years, I’m going to do it and be better for it. But ow I have all these amazing people coming back into my life! I’m in contact with them through the mail and phone! I have this joy and excitement in my heart… it’s so overwhelming that it almost hurts. I can’t shake the feeling. Some of the letters I get… I read them 10 or 20 times.

I recently received a letter from someone who I was extremely close to. I haven’t been a part of this person’s life pin years… yet we picked up as if we hadn’t missed a day. When I heard her voice… it just made shit so real for me! Here we were making plans for when I got out, and it's not these hypothetical plans like it’s been over the last few years. I can finally put a date on these plans.

Holy shit! I am terrified! I don’t even know why or what about! Man, all I can do is smile and laugh; I shake my head and put on the radio.

Maybe I’m just realizing that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I just wasn’t feeding myself bullshit so I could make it through this place. Happily ever after might actually be a real thing!

Emotions1 Man they can be a bitch. All I can do is put it on paper… this is my outlet, my way of screaming.

I’m going to be a basket case when I get out. Haha. Again I’ll be fine… I’m just going to stick to the plan. Take it a day at a time and do me.

To everyone: Thanx for all the support and new emotion. Can’t wait to show you all how much it’s meant to me!

Always,

Douglas

Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas

Priceless

Written: 4/22/12

No price is too high to pay, for the privilege of owning one’s self…

Not only have I met friends in here but I’ve met people e who I consider brothers. They are made up of a group of men who have much different backgrounds than I, while others understand what it’s like to grow up in the suburbs. These guys don’t look at societal background, they don’t look at color. We have an understanding between us, we are all locked up doing time. I have a saying in here… Partners in crime, Brothers doing time. These gentlemen are my brothers… They whole heartedly understand what ts like behind these walls. They understand that I want to do good when I get out, many want the same thing. One such friend just left last week after being locked up for 10 years. His name is Torrey, but everyone including myself called him Cooper or Coop. Cooper didn’t want to go back to the streets, he wanted a better life for himself and his son.

Before Cooper got out, I told him I’d do everything in my power to help him adjut to “small town” living. The way I thought I could help him most would be trying to set him up with a job interview, not a job but an interview.

I talked to Cooper tonight for the first time since his feet hit the free world. I was super stoked to hear that the interview with my dad and him went well. I had already talked to my dad a few days prior and already knew about it but I wanted to hear his version! Coop went on to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated everything… I had to stop him short and thank him myself. At first I think he was confused by this but I went on to explain. I put myself out there with asking my dad to do this favor for me. See my dad and I have most definitely had ups and downs in our relationship. But for the first time in a long time I feel like he’s proud of me. My dad really showed me that by giving one of my brothers in here a chance. Not a guarantee, but a chance. He showed that he was ready to put some trust in me. I saw something in Cooper that you don’t see in just anyone in prison, I saw a drive, he knew that it was going to be tough when he got out. He wasn’t afraid, nervous of the unknown… maybe, but never afraid. He just needed a chance. Cooper I have given you nothing but my friendship. You will earn everything else. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy, but I think you already know that. I wish you nothing but the best my guy… I look forward to continuing our friendship in the world.

Tonight was very rewarding to me! The past with my dad has been really hard, our relationship was not healthy. I made mistakes ad so did he. Neither of us handled things well. It was late Jan. 2011, I was in Dodge awaiting sentencing in my new case. It was around 7 ppm and they were coming around with mail, they passed my cell and slipped a piece of mail through the door. Excited I grabbed the envelope and turned it over. There was an embossed envelope with the La-z-boy emblem on it… At once I felt sick. It was my 1^st contact with my dad since I caught my case and here he was reaching out to me. See when I got locked up I really thought “well, this is it, any progress that I’ve made lately is gone.” I knew in my heart that he was going to finally wash his hands of me… his fuck up of a son. So I opened the letter and after that 1^st line all my worries disappeared. In my hand was a letter from the man who raised me. I’ll always remember that 1^st line. “Douglas, this letter is long overdue. I want you to know how much I love you and want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t do something sooner.”

Tonight was a reminder of everything that I’ve gained since being locked up. A reminder of the most important thing in my life… my family. One family, One love.

The relationship I have with my family is absolutely amazing. That relationship really starts with my mother. The things that both her and I have been through could only be described as nothing else but special. My mom and I are extremely close, almost too close! Haha. Boy I wish I had some secrets from her. I’m a momma’s boy 100%. I will forever be her little boy! And I’m OK with that. She has always given me my strength and confidence, has always had my back, even when I was wrong. Don’t get it twisted she could be tough too! All she has to do is look at me wrong and I’ll put my hands up in surrender. Some people in my past have used the words weird or even sick to describe her and my relationship. Thinking back to those comments well I can only laugh. My mom is great in every way… I couldn’t be more proud to call her mom. Has she been one of my enablers? Yea, probably, but you got to understand… I was one hell of a manipulator! I know when I bled, she hurt… When I smiled, she felt joy and so on. I can’t fully describe our mother/son relationship but after everything is said and done, well, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

I may be back but with everything I’m going to achieve, none of it would be worth it without my family by my side. We all lost sight of that at one point in time. But let’s forget the past, we were all wrong at one point and time. And we most certainly handled it wrong. Even after everything we still stand as a family. Let’s never forget that!

Love you all so much!

Always remember… one family, one love!

Always,

Mom- Your baby boy

Dad- Your golden boy

Douglas

Checks and Balances

Written 4/13/12

So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well, they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:

“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no control over anybody but yourself.”

I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right! 100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want something else in this life. I’m done with it.

But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison, not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last sentence out of context.  I want to have a full life outside of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say, I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.

When I 1^st got locked up I told myself I was going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out. Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

'Cuz Someone's Looking Out For Me

Written 4/12/12

Many of yous (Note: yes he actually write yous) have either heard me talk of my cousin Abby or had the pleasure to talk to her yourself on my Facebook. I call Abby my cousin but truth be aren’t’ blood at all… see her grandmother married my grandfather before each of us were born. Don’t get me wrong we were raised as cousins for the start of our childhood, but when our Grandpa Louis passed away… well both sides of our families split. I remember seeing my Grandpa right before he passed, he told me “Douglas, always call an ace an ace and a spade a spade.” It took me many years to understand that saying. His final wish was for his two Grandchildren who were mere months apart in age to stay close. Abby and I were the only two to keep in touch over the years. I may call Abby my cousin but in all reality… Abby is my best friend. And I couldn’t have a better one than I do in her. Like everyone else in my life, when I started using drugs, I started pushing people away! Abby was no different… I lost touch with her. I was 20 years old the last time I saw her. When I was arrested she was the 1^st person to write me. She told me how she has been searching for me for years, but she could never reach me, until her mom sent her my article of my arrest in the newspaper. During those 13 days that I was waiting on the police to come get me I set up pa Facebook page… I really don’t know why I set it up but I did. I remember the second letter that Abby wrote to me saying she just found my Facebook pare and that I had spelled my last name wrong! pI had no idea and frankly didn’t believe her… but I did, I spelled it Dabry, instead of Darby. You know you’re fucked up when you spell your own last name wrong! Man, how embarrassing! Abby has been with me from the start. She’s never judged me, has she sugar coated anything? Hell No! She’s a fighter and doesn’t let me sell myself short, If I’m on bullshit she’s the 1^st to tell me! She tells me like it is, like in her last letter she put it bluntly… saying “stay strong, miss you much! Don’t Fuck Up! Love, Abby” Ha Ha. When I first got locked up I was getting in a lot of trouble and I was fighting in Dodge. Her acting like my big sister, she put me in my place. She knew if I continued to cause trouble or if I got caught fighting, that I would trick off my program and up doing my whole 4 years. I’m proud to say since getting to prison I haven’t caught a single ticket and have really prioritized my life! She had faith in me even when I didn’t. She does so much for me! Not only is she my rock but also my therapist (which she has a degree in), my Facebook and blog manager, and she relays all my messages. But to me, she’s my best friend! She is the very definition of loyalty, honesty, and being open minded!

Thank you Abby!

Always Remember... One Family, One Love!

So with all that positive support and a few kicks in the ass, it seems to have paid off! Once again it looks like both my mom and Abby were right again! I went and had my physical for boot camp!  Sooooo I’m 99% sure that I’ll be going in the next month or two, which means… I’ll be home in 8 months, 10 at the most. Let me be the 1^st to say “Hell Fucking Yea! Look out Douglas is coming home!” To say the least, I’m pumped! Boot camp is gonna be a bitch but shit I’d crawl through hot coals. I’m rounding 3^rd, headed for home. The final stretch is on! Can’t wait.

I’ll find out next week for sure. All signs point that way though. See you all soon!

The real test will then begin. A test I’m ready to take.

“I came out at the darkness… I got one more shot at living… I got a little roughed up, Yea… I really got fucked up! I can see the light ‘cuz someone’s looking out for me!”

Gotta love them lyrics. Inspiration is everywhere; you just gotta take the time to see it! Like I said I now find it in the little things. Fuck the world! Turn the negative into positive! Me, I’m a glass is always half full, some people can’t see it that way, to them its always going to be half empty. And that’s OK. But just know you can always get a refill!

Like the great mind of Milton who wrote in Paradise Lost: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven!” or even Shakespeare, who observed “There is nothing either good or bad except that thinking makes it so.”

Even the most ugly things can hold beauty... just open your eyes and look, it’s there.

So until next time I’m gonna keep my eyes open so I don’t miss a thing/ Im ready to see some real beauty, I can only pick out so much from razor wire. Soon enough, soon enough.

Peace out!

Douglas

High and Good-bye

Written 4/9/12

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about getting high. I am always waiting for that next high. I just pray it never comes!  Don’t get it twisted; I’m not going to go out and fuck off my sobriety! I’m too proud and focused for that. I’m just being honest here. This addiction thing is a bitch, even after being sober for 20 months and sitting my ass in prison, it still calls to me. It’s messed up because in AODA they call story telling (about high times or drug stories) glorifying. But every story I have in the past decade starts out… I was on this or I was so fucked up. I did everything high and I mean everything. I remember I was once on a 4 day acid/coke binge. So my guy P and I finally decide it’s time to get some sleep. I go lay in my bed and he crashes on the couch, it’s like 8 am. After lying down for about 10 minutes, I sit straight up in bed; I remembered I had something extremely important to do in 4 hours. I knew if I went to bed I was gonna crash for at least 24 hours. So I stager into the living room and say “Bro, I can’t go to bed I have to be at a funeral at noon!” So like any responsible adult, I dropped more acid and went to the funeral. And I didn’t even think twice about it. I truly believed I could do anything high, I believed it ‘cuz I did everything high. So you begin to think the addiction or drug use isn’t a problem. You just don’t see that it’s no way to live, that’s not living… that’s just existing. It’s madness. But that’s the problem with reminiscing. Every past memory has in one way or another to with drugs. So how do I get around it? How do I talk about the past without glorifying? I don’t tell these stories with the intent of bragging, like the acid story, that’s nothing to be proud of and I’m not but it happened and at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong with my behavior. It was just another day.

I am pretty stoked to finally get some sober memories. Even the visits I get here are wonderful. Katie VanDenPlas came and saw me a few weeks ago! We had a great 3 hours. To say the least she was super nervous and that’s to be expected. She didn’t know what to think. When I walked in, I walked right by her because she had her back to me. I hadn’t seen Katie in 5 years. She looked amazing, same pretty face as always with the personality to match! I don’t think I told her this but Katie, I was just as nervous! I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if you would be angry with me… Again, this whole forgiveness thing is hard for me! How can you forgive me, when I can’t forgive myself! But there was none of that. Only love and warmth came from you. For 3 hours I wasn’t in prison, I was with my friend, and it felt good. Thank you for giving me that Katie. HaHa funny story from the visit. So she and I are talking and all of a sudden her eyes get real big and she goes silent. She leans over and whispers… “Doug, that Mexican guy just looked at you!” and I go “WHO!” just then I look to my left and there’s my guy Marky Mark! Haha he was playing around and of course we start giving each other shit! But yes at 1^st appearance Marky can give off a different impression. I look back at Katie and she looks like a deer in the headlights. I swear she thought I was going to get stabbed or beat up right there in visiting! Haha Katie the look on your face was priceless! Man that shit made me laugh. Katie you haven’t changed a bit! That couldn’t make me happier!

I do know that I’m making great progress though. I’m in prison and I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I wake up and know that a needle doesn’t run me! This prison ain’t shit compared to the one I was in on the streets. I was told yesterday that my blog had hit the 1,000 views mark. That’s crazy to me! I remember when my cousin told me that I should start one, I did think it was a great idea, a way for me to one day look back on all this and remember what I went through! Never in my life did I think people would follow it. I hold nothing back in these posts. That’s why they are so rewarding! This shit comes from the heart; it’s generally done at my loneliest moments in here… late at night! Like, now its 2:58 am. Just me, my thoughts, and some music. During the day, I stay busy, I can go outside, go to the gym, library, or chill in the dayroom. But at night when I’m forced to stay in my 8’ by 10’ cell, well that’s when shit hits deep. These posts have allowed me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. It helps me process the day. By far the most positive thing I’ve done. I hope you can get a fraction of what I get out of all this. I know it’s just words but to me it’s everything. Thank you, everyone… for all the support!

Lyrics that give me hope. Unfortunately I can’t remember the name of the song.

-“I did my time in a windowless box… All I got left is today… Tomorrow ain’t here… And yesterday is dead and gone!”

Deuces,

Douglas

These scars

I have these scars on my arms… Right where my arms bend of course, they are from shooting up Dope for so long. They aren’t overly noticeable but yea, you can definitely pick them out. I have mixed feelings about them. On one hand they embarrass me. Being a junkie is not something I wanted but then again they are a part of me. I’m not ashamed of them and if people ask me what happened… I’m honest. They serve as my daily reminders, never again, never forget!

I just got some recent pics taken in here. I really never wanted pictures of me in here, but my family has a way of giving me “gentle pushes” towards doing something. When I sent some to my cousin I told her to update my Facebook with them. I figured it was time to get me with something besides dreads on there. I remember avoiding the camera the last couple years… Shit, I avoided mirrors too… From my poem/rap: “In the mirror my reflection was a stranger to me/When she was with me, that was me, that’s even stranger to me” I remember seeing myself in the mirror, ooohhh, my arms were so bad… black and blue tracks, from my shoulders down to my wrists. Putting cover up on my neck to hide the needle marks from there too… it was a painful sight. Before getting locked up I didn’t wear a short sleeve shirt for like 3 years. So you avoid things like cameras and mirrors. I’ve always loved getting my picture taken; yes I’m vain like that. But I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw, so I stopped looking. No I don’t like where I am but at least I know who I am again and I’ll take that any day. I like who I see again.

My scars are my war wounds, I will not hide them. They are a part of me and represent everything I stand for… my scars like my addiction will never go away but they do not define me. I understand I suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

I had a “bad” night last night. And that’s OK; they happen. The difference is I dealt with it in a healthy way. I knew tomorrow would come and I’d be alright. Then sure as shit when I got up this morning I had mail waiting for me from Justine Hornick. From the very start she put a smile on my face, see she made me look like a fool and I knew it. I have to remind myself where I’m at! This is a bad place where bad people go. She reminded me that there is more good than evil out there! That’s why I’m really trying to keep those positive forces in my life! I don’t need the negative people as the Five Finger Death Punch song “Remember Everything” goes… If we could change the past, would that change the end/You’d say that I’ll never change/But what the fuck do you know!?! I know people doubt me… That’s cool; I’ll kill them with success! J You don’t gotta believe my words, I probably wouldn’t either… I’m not asking for you to believe me, just give me a chance to show you, that’s all I really ask. Hell, I really think there may be people who don’t want to see “this Douglas” and that’s OK too. I hated who I had become, I was everything that I never wanted to be; still not the man I want to be but I feel closer and closer every day, that’s all I can ask for… I’m happy!

Peace, Douglas

P.S. 4/3/12: Great quote that Anna Marks sent me...fits this post perfect and I had this wrote days before I got her letter... Crazy.

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you!"

Thanks Anna! Love it!

A Moment of Sadness

It’s 2:26 am; I do most of my writing late at night… I had no plans to write tonight. But tonight, well very simply I’m sad tonight.  I really can’t put a finger on why, today was a normal day. But for the last hour I’ve just sat here looking out my window, listening to music and am deep in thought. Hell, I don’t even know where I’m going with this… I’m just sick of being here, plain and simple I’m sick of the people I’m around. Don’t’ get it twisted I have people here that I call my friends, my cellie’s name is James but everyone calls him BG. He keeps me sane around here. He’s 29 years old He’s a champ at doing time! He has been down 11 years and has 18 more to go; yes he is down for murder. He was put in a position and it was either him or the other guy. Kill or be killed… he picked living, even if living meant a 30 year prison sentence. See I’m not sick of this like that I’m living because of the time I have left, I’m going to be home soon enough. It’s the mother fuckers I have to deal with daily, the people I have to live with. The decent people in here are far and few between. What I’m getting at are all the child molesters that I have to look at daily, the horrible details of their crimes that get talked about around here. You can’t not listen because in here you have to know who they are. If I told you the details of some of these monster’s crimes… man, you’d want to cry and puke all at the same time. Not to mention I’m at a prison that has SOT (Sex Offender Treatment) so they are everywhere! You know I can justify any crime, really I can! Even murder, there is a gray area for every crime except sexual assault and crimes against children. Many of you know my past when it comes to sexual abuse… I’s just hard and painful, to know how man monsters are out there. Thank God I have people in here like BG to have my back and can share a word of wisdom on days when I feel like my head is going to explode. I read a lot in here… I just finished the book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Great book. Don’t’ get me wrong… I loved it, shit I finished it in days. Tonight I started the sequel. As I was staring out the window, I felt tears going down my face… I’m just so sick of all the violence. It seems like it’s everywhere. Not only do I live it daily, but I then have it in my entertainment. I can’t watch Green Bay news because I am scared to death to hear something bad has happened to a loved one. And I’ll be helpless. Helpless is a bad feeling. I’m not trying to sound like a bitch that’s not my intention… life is great. I do know everything is going to be just fine, I just wish I could do more. I guess I’m just starting to truly feel again. Maybe I don’t know how to process things the “right” way. I’m trying though. Good, bad, or scary it’s just nice to feel. I feel no shame in crying, I’ve always been a sensitive kid and here in the dark it’s almost OK to cry. Almost. J

I don’t fear failure, I know I won’t. You can’t shit on my confidence, there’s not one thing I doubt about myself. I know who I am! Far from perfect but hell I wouldn’t want to be. I just want to keep my life simple and find real happiness, not that fake happiness that starts with a needle or a line but real happiness that starts with the little things, the simple things. Again life is simple; it’s us who make things difficult.

I guess I had to just get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Whatever it may be… I feel better. So I guess that’s a plus.

Till Next Time

Douglas

Heroin. My Girlfriend.

So as you all know, it's been wonderful weather. As I walk the yard I still have a hard time accepting where I am. To be confined is a surreal thing for me. See I'm a warm weather kind of guy. So when it's nice out it is very bitter sweet for me. Yes, I make the best of this but I still never want to forget these days. When I first got here I met a person who will be a lifelong friend to me, for now I will call him "New York," his home is of course in New York City. Anyway, both he and I came to Oshkosh prison on the same day. From that day on he and I became very good friends. You may wonder how you can become such close friends in such a short time, you have to understand that you spend every waking moment with other inmates. You become to know everything about them... True colors are shown rather quickly. When we came here in July it was the first time I had been outside since the previous September. One day he and I were walking outside right at dusk. I mentioned how amazing the sky and sunset looked. He stopped me and looked me dead in the eyes and said something that I'll never forget... he told me to forget the sky while I'm in here. "Doug, you look at those electric fences and all that razor wire! You will have the rest of your life to enjoy the sunsets and other things but right now you remember the feeling of confinement, what it really feels like." Anyone can know the meaning... confinement, a confining or being confined; imprisonment, limitation, restriction, restraint. But to feel confinement is something totally different. To feel it is something I can not explain. But it is very humbling and something I certainly needed. Thanx New York, you be my guy for life. Partners in Crime... Brothers Doing Time!

The hardest time I've done was my time in Dodge prison... It was at a max joint so you are locked down for 23 hours a day. I wrote a poem/rap during this time. It's called My Girlfriend, the context of the poem is that Heroin had become my life, my everything, my girlfriend. Again the entire thing is about my life on Heroin... like the first two lines "when we met I knew she was from Pakistan" ... a lot of Heroin is from Pakistan. "Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan"... The color of most of my Heroin was tan or brown. If you have any questions on it or it you don't understand a part, just ask and I'll elaborate. I always enjoy comments, questions, and feedback. This was not something I just put together one day... this took me the better part of two weeks. In my head the beat and chorus goes to the song Just Me & My Girlfriend.

My Girlfriend
When we met, I knew she was from Pakistan
Skin tone molasses wit a natural tan
I'd pick her up from the hood and feel like I had to
Have her right there, pull over and stab her
She let me do her anywhere, from da Jeep to the store's piss stained bathroom with graffiti on the door
Monkey so damn fat, kept me fucking for hours
High maintenance bitch, blow a couple hundred in a hour
Every time we spoke was pure line after line, she rode with me crime after crime, time after time,
Yo, I never been a stranger to breakin the law
Every time I'd make some change she'd be taking it all
I know alot of dirty ass cats that banged her raw
But that never stopped me from breaking her off

(chorus)
My girlfriend
All I need in this life of sin
Just me and my girlfriend
Down to ride to the bloody end
Just me and my girlfriend
(2x)

My girlfriend, it felt like I was dying without her,
Crouching, crying in the shower, taking five every hour
I ain't slept for weeks after the last time that I saw her
How can such a monstrous power come from such a harmless flower?
No controllin' the goosebumps when I thought about having her
Why'd the bitch have me sweatin'?
She was making me colder
I recall phonin' those who know her, no-one's seen her at all
Stomach raw, dry heaving, hadn't eaten at all
In the mirror, my reflection was a stranger to me
When she was with me, that was me! That's even stranger to me
Time was movin' so slow after she ran out, no doubt!
I know for sure she had this all planned out
Momma said that this would happen if I didn't stop seeing her
But it was me and her, momma didn't see what I'd seen in her
I wish I woulda seen at first, she was just out to fuck me!
Yea, I needed her like salt is what a snail needs!

Chorus 2x

My girlfriend, I still love that crazy bitch
I still want her but she makes me sick
Thinking bout her in the sack, yea I can still taste that bitch
What a dysfunctional relationship
She still calls me all the time sayin "Don't you miss me? I'll make everything fine, Doug please come get me."
Then I think, like I forgot about the sleepless nights
Ridin round lookin for you in the streets all night ot how you talked me into robbing all those places for you!
I'm 25 facing 65 years on this case for you!
Bitch! Now I'm 26 doing 4 years in da pen for you!
I can't express the magnitude of my hatred for you
We had a lota great times
But bitch, I hate you! We're through!

My girlfriend

So yea, that's "my rap" hahaha gangster... I know :) But it's mine and it comes from the heart.

As hard as it is to start over, in a lot of ways it's very refreshing. Once I got locked up, well I put all the cards on the table. I wasn't just a junkie but I was a bad boyfriend and a shit friend and a disappointing part of my family and society for that matter. This is my rebirth, my resurrection if you will. I'll never quit on my dreams again, as Eminem says "the only thing I've ever quit was using!" Not only did I have to get the toxins out of me but I had to get the toxic mentalities out too, not to mention all the toxic people. But I'm trying to become the person I truly believe I can become. I've had a few relationships with someone for the last decade and I had love for those women. I promise I really did but I by no means was faithful or a good person. I've always "wanted my cake and to eat it too!" To me cheating is unforgivable, 100% if I find out that you've cheated on me... well we all done. No questions asked. Now I know that my way of thinking is fucked up because I believe that if you're good enough to do it and I don't find out, well no harm because I don't know. But I don't think you good enough to not get caught, me on the other hand, I'm so narcissistic that I believe I'm good enough to get away with it. Wow, I know I'm totally messed up but that's what I used to believe. Trust me it's not how I want to be! I know I'll never get true love in my life living that way. Again it's not just about giving up my addiction but all my addictive mentalities. I can admit my faults and now all I can do is try my best to get what I want out of this life. I'm just trying to be 100% honest for the first time in my life. These writings are so if I ever forget, I can have a reminder. To never forget where I've been and where I want to go!

'Til Next Time,

Douglas