My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

Emotions

Written: 4/30/12

It’s really starting to hit me that I’ll be going home. I mean I’ve always had hope that I’d go home early. But I always told myself that programs are not for sure and you will then have to do your entire sentence. That would mean I go home Jan. 11^th 2015. Believe me I know I still have to complete this program but I know with every part of my being that I will not fail this program. So I’ll be home soon… really soon and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I’m having feelings that I haven’t felt in years. As crazy as it may sound… it’s the feelings of joy or even of love that is giving me the most trouble.

I’ve been able to deal with everything in here without batting an eye… all that time I was facing… no problem! Getting clean… hardest thing in my life but what made it easy was the fact that I wanted it. Even the tie I was sentenced to… day at a time, 1 day or 10 years, I’m going to do it and be better for it. But ow I have all these amazing people coming back into my life! I’m in contact with them through the mail and phone! I have this joy and excitement in my heart… it’s so overwhelming that it almost hurts. I can’t shake the feeling. Some of the letters I get… I read them 10 or 20 times.

I recently received a letter from someone who I was extremely close to. I haven’t been a part of this person’s life pin years… yet we picked up as if we hadn’t missed a day. When I heard her voice… it just made shit so real for me! Here we were making plans for when I got out, and it's not these hypothetical plans like it’s been over the last few years. I can finally put a date on these plans.

Holy shit! I am terrified! I don’t even know why or what about! Man, all I can do is smile and laugh; I shake my head and put on the radio.

Maybe I’m just realizing that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I just wasn’t feeding myself bullshit so I could make it through this place. Happily ever after might actually be a real thing!

Emotions1 Man they can be a bitch. All I can do is put it on paper… this is my outlet, my way of screaming.

I’m going to be a basket case when I get out. Haha. Again I’ll be fine… I’m just going to stick to the plan. Take it a day at a time and do me.

To everyone: Thanx for all the support and new emotion. Can’t wait to show you all how much it’s meant to me!

Always,

Douglas

Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas

Priceless

Written: 4/22/12

No price is too high to pay, for the privilege of owning one’s self…

Not only have I met friends in here but I’ve met people e who I consider brothers. They are made up of a group of men who have much different backgrounds than I, while others understand what it’s like to grow up in the suburbs. These guys don’t look at societal background, they don’t look at color. We have an understanding between us, we are all locked up doing time. I have a saying in here… Partners in crime, Brothers doing time. These gentlemen are my brothers… They whole heartedly understand what ts like behind these walls. They understand that I want to do good when I get out, many want the same thing. One such friend just left last week after being locked up for 10 years. His name is Torrey, but everyone including myself called him Cooper or Coop. Cooper didn’t want to go back to the streets, he wanted a better life for himself and his son.

Before Cooper got out, I told him I’d do everything in my power to help him adjut to “small town” living. The way I thought I could help him most would be trying to set him up with a job interview, not a job but an interview.

I talked to Cooper tonight for the first time since his feet hit the free world. I was super stoked to hear that the interview with my dad and him went well. I had already talked to my dad a few days prior and already knew about it but I wanted to hear his version! Coop went on to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated everything… I had to stop him short and thank him myself. At first I think he was confused by this but I went on to explain. I put myself out there with asking my dad to do this favor for me. See my dad and I have most definitely had ups and downs in our relationship. But for the first time in a long time I feel like he’s proud of me. My dad really showed me that by giving one of my brothers in here a chance. Not a guarantee, but a chance. He showed that he was ready to put some trust in me. I saw something in Cooper that you don’t see in just anyone in prison, I saw a drive, he knew that it was going to be tough when he got out. He wasn’t afraid, nervous of the unknown… maybe, but never afraid. He just needed a chance. Cooper I have given you nothing but my friendship. You will earn everything else. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy, but I think you already know that. I wish you nothing but the best my guy… I look forward to continuing our friendship in the world.

Tonight was very rewarding to me! The past with my dad has been really hard, our relationship was not healthy. I made mistakes ad so did he. Neither of us handled things well. It was late Jan. 2011, I was in Dodge awaiting sentencing in my new case. It was around 7 ppm and they were coming around with mail, they passed my cell and slipped a piece of mail through the door. Excited I grabbed the envelope and turned it over. There was an embossed envelope with the La-z-boy emblem on it… At once I felt sick. It was my 1^st contact with my dad since I caught my case and here he was reaching out to me. See when I got locked up I really thought “well, this is it, any progress that I’ve made lately is gone.” I knew in my heart that he was going to finally wash his hands of me… his fuck up of a son. So I opened the letter and after that 1^st line all my worries disappeared. In my hand was a letter from the man who raised me. I’ll always remember that 1^st line. “Douglas, this letter is long overdue. I want you to know how much I love you and want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t do something sooner.”

Tonight was a reminder of everything that I’ve gained since being locked up. A reminder of the most important thing in my life… my family. One family, One love.

The relationship I have with my family is absolutely amazing. That relationship really starts with my mother. The things that both her and I have been through could only be described as nothing else but special. My mom and I are extremely close, almost too close! Haha. Boy I wish I had some secrets from her. I’m a momma’s boy 100%. I will forever be her little boy! And I’m OK with that. She has always given me my strength and confidence, has always had my back, even when I was wrong. Don’t get it twisted she could be tough too! All she has to do is look at me wrong and I’ll put my hands up in surrender. Some people in my past have used the words weird or even sick to describe her and my relationship. Thinking back to those comments well I can only laugh. My mom is great in every way… I couldn’t be more proud to call her mom. Has she been one of my enablers? Yea, probably, but you got to understand… I was one hell of a manipulator! I know when I bled, she hurt… When I smiled, she felt joy and so on. I can’t fully describe our mother/son relationship but after everything is said and done, well, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

I may be back but with everything I’m going to achieve, none of it would be worth it without my family by my side. We all lost sight of that at one point in time. But let’s forget the past, we were all wrong at one point and time. And we most certainly handled it wrong. Even after everything we still stand as a family. Let’s never forget that!

Love you all so much!

Always remember… one family, one love!

Always,

Mom- Your baby boy

Dad- Your golden boy

Douglas

Checks and Balances

Written 4/13/12

So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well, they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:

“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no control over anybody but yourself.”

I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right! 100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want something else in this life. I’m done with it.

But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison, not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last sentence out of context.  I want to have a full life outside of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say, I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.

When I 1^st got locked up I told myself I was going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out. Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

'Cuz Someone's Looking Out For Me

Written 4/12/12

Many of yous (Note: yes he actually write yous) have either heard me talk of my cousin Abby or had the pleasure to talk to her yourself on my Facebook. I call Abby my cousin but truth be aren’t’ blood at all… see her grandmother married my grandfather before each of us were born. Don’t get me wrong we were raised as cousins for the start of our childhood, but when our Grandpa Louis passed away… well both sides of our families split. I remember seeing my Grandpa right before he passed, he told me “Douglas, always call an ace an ace and a spade a spade.” It took me many years to understand that saying. His final wish was for his two Grandchildren who were mere months apart in age to stay close. Abby and I were the only two to keep in touch over the years. I may call Abby my cousin but in all reality… Abby is my best friend. And I couldn’t have a better one than I do in her. Like everyone else in my life, when I started using drugs, I started pushing people away! Abby was no different… I lost touch with her. I was 20 years old the last time I saw her. When I was arrested she was the 1^st person to write me. She told me how she has been searching for me for years, but she could never reach me, until her mom sent her my article of my arrest in the newspaper. During those 13 days that I was waiting on the police to come get me I set up pa Facebook page… I really don’t know why I set it up but I did. I remember the second letter that Abby wrote to me saying she just found my Facebook pare and that I had spelled my last name wrong! pI had no idea and frankly didn’t believe her… but I did, I spelled it Dabry, instead of Darby. You know you’re fucked up when you spell your own last name wrong! Man, how embarrassing! Abby has been with me from the start. She’s never judged me, has she sugar coated anything? Hell No! She’s a fighter and doesn’t let me sell myself short, If I’m on bullshit she’s the 1^st to tell me! She tells me like it is, like in her last letter she put it bluntly… saying “stay strong, miss you much! Don’t Fuck Up! Love, Abby” Ha Ha. When I first got locked up I was getting in a lot of trouble and I was fighting in Dodge. Her acting like my big sister, she put me in my place. She knew if I continued to cause trouble or if I got caught fighting, that I would trick off my program and up doing my whole 4 years. I’m proud to say since getting to prison I haven’t caught a single ticket and have really prioritized my life! She had faith in me even when I didn’t. She does so much for me! Not only is she my rock but also my therapist (which she has a degree in), my Facebook and blog manager, and she relays all my messages. But to me, she’s my best friend! She is the very definition of loyalty, honesty, and being open minded!

Thank you Abby!

Always Remember... One Family, One Love!

So with all that positive support and a few kicks in the ass, it seems to have paid off! Once again it looks like both my mom and Abby were right again! I went and had my physical for boot camp!  Sooooo I’m 99% sure that I’ll be going in the next month or two, which means… I’ll be home in 8 months, 10 at the most. Let me be the 1^st to say “Hell Fucking Yea! Look out Douglas is coming home!” To say the least, I’m pumped! Boot camp is gonna be a bitch but shit I’d crawl through hot coals. I’m rounding 3^rd, headed for home. The final stretch is on! Can’t wait.

I’ll find out next week for sure. All signs point that way though. See you all soon!

The real test will then begin. A test I’m ready to take.

“I came out at the darkness… I got one more shot at living… I got a little roughed up, Yea… I really got fucked up! I can see the light ‘cuz someone’s looking out for me!”

Gotta love them lyrics. Inspiration is everywhere; you just gotta take the time to see it! Like I said I now find it in the little things. Fuck the world! Turn the negative into positive! Me, I’m a glass is always half full, some people can’t see it that way, to them its always going to be half empty. And that’s OK. But just know you can always get a refill!

Like the great mind of Milton who wrote in Paradise Lost: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven!” or even Shakespeare, who observed “There is nothing either good or bad except that thinking makes it so.”

Even the most ugly things can hold beauty... just open your eyes and look, it’s there.

So until next time I’m gonna keep my eyes open so I don’t miss a thing/ Im ready to see some real beauty, I can only pick out so much from razor wire. Soon enough, soon enough.

Peace out!

Douglas