Eye Opening at West High

Today I visited my second school to speak to today’s youth. I was at west high, I knew going into it that It would be a different experience than my time at Bay Port. My gut  was right…it was definitely different. Not different in a bad way by any means but these kids have attitude, an attitude like they cant be hurt. Going back and putting myself in their shoes I remember having that same attitude….in life u sometimes need that  attitude to survive! Not just in prison but in life in general, I carried that attitude to battle daily struggles. I saw that today, in these kids eyes…I heard it in their questions….felt it in their laughs, when I told them I was a junkie that put a needle in my arm. I used it as motivation because their ridicule and questions makes it all that much more real….i feed off of their doubt and understand their questioning eyes…..is this guy here to just tell us what to do? Or maybe, just maybe he really does care and may even want to make his story intertwine with my story.

No matter how hard I attempt to keep speaking on a business level, the truth is I cant! I feel these kids pain. And see their looks of hopelessness. Ill never turn down a speaking invite but I see how much some of these kids need help….hell maybe not even help, just someone to listen. I feel like so many of them just want to scream…just to be heard, just so they know themselves that they are alive.  These kids will never understand what they give me… and how much they help an addict like myself! These kids relate to these issues…..shit they live it daily!

So for as much help as I feel im doing I cant help but feel as if more needs to be done…me speaking for a hour only does so much…giving my number out to these kids only goes so far and that’s if they ever pick up the phone to reach out….today I stayed after to speak at a different class and we talked about that helpless feeling….when your in a hole and cant even see a light, little lone a way out! What do u do? What can u do? I still feel that way everyday..i feel it now for different reasons, I feel it because…..well I feel… for one and two because some of these kids don’t have the support that I had and have! They are battling through life on their own. Makes me feel such remorse for putting my loved ones through this! How selfish I was to spit in their face when all they were trying to do is help….how so many of these kids just wish they had someone that cares, that wants to know how THEY are doing.

So who do we blame? Parents? Schools? Society? T.v.? music? Drugs?........how about we stop blaming and start owning up to our own things….if ur not apart of the solution, u r apart of the problem! Its so damn cliché but it’s the truth…if ur stagnant then ur moving backwards. These kids need support! Sure they aren’t getting it at home…but I know people out there that have a story to tell to..they have time to share, not to tell these kids the dangers of the world! Not what TO do but at least what not to do!

I remember being locked up one night and thinking to myself….what good can come out of this? Yes I was having a pitty party for myself… thinking that id never be able to rebound and have a normal life. In a way I was right Im never going to have a normal life! Really today I don’t want a “normal life” I don’t ever want to walk into a school and feel as if I cant reach these kids…..everything happens for a reason? Ur damn right it does! My mistakes and hardships were most certainly for a reason…I had to be brought to my knees with this…praying for god to take me away….praying for the pain to stop. But god showed me that this shit was on me….that I would be the only one to pull myself from the darkness…he sent me many people along the way to help! He sent me all of u guys! The people that have stuck with me even when u shouldn’t have, even when I cursed u or asked u to leave me be…its all of u guys that saved me! Now its my turn to pay it forward! I just want these kids to know that bad things happen and that’s ok u just get up and move forward! Lifes hard I get that! But what r u gona do?.....Give up? Not an option! As long as ur loved ones aren’t putting u in the ground….well then u can dust urself off, put on a smile and say ehhh that wasn’t so bad J

Big thank you to Sheena Shubat for inviting me into her class today and having me speak! It was a true pleasure and an amazing thing to be apart of! Thank u again!

As always stay positive and always remember!

Always,

Douglas 

Somethings DO CHANGE!!!!

3 months ago today I walked out of prison….and like everything else I feel as if it was yesterday and forever ago! Tomorrow I will walk into bay port high school and tell my story to the freshman class. I can not begin to tell you how extremely nervous I am! But man what an amazing feeling…see in the eyes of the courts I paid my debt to society, in all reality I did not. I took so much from my victims and even more from my community, I took that peace of mind from them…..but bad things don’t happen in little ol howard suamico….o yes they do and are happening today as we speak.

All day I have been going over in my head what to say to these kids….remembering how I was at that age…..i was untouchable, couldn’t tell me a damn thing, because I already knew everything! Really all I want to do is tell my story…not that this will happen if u drink or smoke weed but that It CAN happen. That addiction is real and can ruin ones life. Never did I want to grow up and become a junkie, but I did, and that shit landed me in prison and took years away from not only me but my loved ones…years ill never get back or years that il never be able to give back to those I love. So how do I reach these kids?...how do I warm them of the double bladed sword that they play with on a everyday basis. All I can do is share what happened to me and that I was one of the lucky ones. My life doesn’t have to be theirs, that they can walk a different path and not have a shadow of doubt or the feeling of a urge so powerful that it still today can put me to my knees with tears in my eyes. As much as im attempting to do this for them, the truth is I am still selfish and doing this for myself…I wonder if they will ever know that doing this is what it takes for myself to stay sober.  I want change and this is the only way I know of it, if anything…..even if the only change is keeping my own demons at bay and keeping me off the streets looking for the next high..well then, that has to be change right there…right? I know I can only do so much, say so much, write so much…but I truly believe if more people come forward with their own addiction…not hide  from it or hold that shame in their hearts…man what a powerful thing it can be. I know addicts I know drugies, they are a motivated group of people….nothing can or will keep them from their passion…good or evil. They are sly and cunning…just like this addiction….so  cunning, if we only used this power for good. Then could we make this change that I know so many want. Do u know that this is only becoming a bigger problem, are ur eyes open to this fact? That nothing will change unless we get to todays youth, Im not saying go on a crusade…im saying open up to these kids. Tell them u know what its like to want something so bad even if that thing is ruining ur life. Or that uve seen someone first hand get put into the ground because of this! Its awareness that we need, we need to tell these kids that we understand…that they are not in trouble or a bad person! That someone cares, that we get it…being a kid is hard now days…hell of a lot harder than when I was a kid and certainly harder than when our parents were kids….sometimes I feel like these kids go right from toddlers to adults and maybe every generation feels that…but wtf  heroin in bay port…cocaine at every weekend party…the prescription pills that flow the halls like skittles! It kills me to think of that, then to  know that I have two brothers there…god its scary! And yet it would have been my paradise as a teenager walking those halls…that’s why its so messed up! At that age u just don’t get it and if u do….well like they say….everyone is doing it! And they are prolly right at least to some degree. Look all im saying is let the awareness out…that we do get it, we do understand the pressure and all that comes with it. Please don’t make me fight this battle alone…I love narcotics anonymous to death but I don’t want to be anonymous…im proud of where I came from, the struggles I endured and the fact that at one point in my life I prayed for the addiction to win…I did, all I wanted was for death to sweep me away and never wake up…but it didn’t! Iam here today to change not only myself but just one kids life… to not have to  walk in my shoes! It doesn’t have to be that way for so many of our youth!

Change is coming I feel it in my heart and no we prolly wont see it on the whole! The news doesn’t play the success stories that it should,  but thats ok… I know tomorrow that ill see it in those kids faces, ill hear it in their questions! I can not wait to begin this voice of hope ,if  everyone reading this would stand up against this… like they do cancer, aids, hunger relief, natural disaster, domestic violence…and all of that is  worthy of ur fight but we also have a fight that no one wants to discuss a fight happening in our back yards…people still want this behind closed doors, kept in interventions and rehab programs, both very good tools but I think we can do more, we can shout from the tree tops that WE GET IT! That it happens and its never to late for help. Someone is hear to listen and atleast say I understand! I have that hope, and I always will!

So 3 months ago today I walked out of prison….to be perfectly honest I didn’t want to leave! I was safe there, I knew what I was suppose to do everyday and I was getting recognition for making changes! U don’t get that so much in the real world, its expected….hell when my dad comes into work and I don’t get yelled at im on cloud nine because I know that’s his “way to go son”!! really that’s ok I find recognition in my own goals that I accomplish, no matter how small, they were started and even more importantly.. they were finished the right way.  I owe a lot to my incarceration, infact I owe it my life…only then did I see what needed to change in my own life. Now everyones bottom is different, and to some im not even talking addiction…im talking happiness…what is it? Hell if I know but I search everyday for it and to me that’s all that matters. That I push forward and just don’t let life take me in ITS direction….i don’t predict my future any more, I now create it! To me that’s all happiness really is…its about not being stagnant and thinking this is all it will ever be! Move forward if ur not happy, change it, don’t give up, don’t shut up, don’t not ask for help, people want to even if its just so they don’t have to think about their own problems for a moment….and wow isn’t it nice to know that other people have problems, that it can get worse. that today really isn’t that bad! Its how u look at it! Take control, make a difference even if its small, I know some of the smallest words of advice have had the biggest impact on my life and for that… I thank all of u!

As always stay positive!

Always,

Douglas  

Will somethings ever change?

i started this blog about a week ago....just didnt feel right to me. yesterday i found out that i had lost yet another friend, and i decided to scrap the entire post. many of you who are reading this most likely feel much of the way i do...helpless, sad, and frustrated.
that helpless feeling i believe is the worst...i personally know that i couldnt have done anything...its an understanding that is in no means easy to do, but is very much the truth! frankly you just cant complete with addiction, and now i only speak from my own battle with substance abuse but i know that no one was ever going to be able to help me.  the anger that pours from me is sickening! so badly do i want to scream what an epidemic this drug has become...dont get me wrong i know that they have always been here but its getting worse, heroin wasnt in the schools like they are today! and even worse is the kids that are selling it have no idea what they are playing with...but what can u tell a 16 year old today, prolly the same thing u could of told me at that age...not a damn thing! so where do we go from here? do we sit back and watch our loved ones get picked off one by one, im sick of losing this battle. and i dont believe that it can be won on a whole but maybe it can be won on a individual level...thats the only hope that i have!
Now please dont get me wrong im not trying to sound as if i have the world figured out...i most certainly do not...but i dont know what else to do besides write.  to give u an idea of how fucked up this world of addiction is....i actually got a craving or trigger(what ever u want to call it) last night about a hour after i found out. why? im not really sure but i did...so much of my recovery is attempting to avoid drugs or the drug at all costs and boom there it was in my face with all its power! so yea thats how truly fucked up it is, i just found out a friend died and the first thing that came to my head, without my own control was using again! and i actually craved that same power. thats where the insanity comes in...the addiction can not be explained unless u have been there and lived it.  this is all i know to do when i feel that way is to write and talk about it! so yea to look at me and think i have this all figured out... would be plain stupid...im just trying to shed light on what this addiction can do and how it never does go away!
really somethings never do change....and for that iam grateful! see i wouldnt ever look at this fight as a negative thing, for there is always going to be evil and bad things that lie ahead...i believe everyone knows that in one way or another! so does that mean we all just give up? or does it mean we come together for a common cause and common good, something to stand as one and say that this struggle will not define us as a whole or as a community! we need to pull together and show that this evil will not break us, that to many people are now being affected by this problem....everyone thinks that we live in such a innocent town! yes it is true i think where we live and grew up is amazing, in fact i wouldnt want to have grown up anywhere else....but lets keep it real and admit that we have big city problems! that some kids from the suburbs can run shit just the same as any kid growing up in the hood can....yes of course the differences are there but the underlining problem is not....this problem does not care who u r, where u grew up, or what color ur skin is! it has no boundary, all it knows how to do is to destroy and it will continue to until we all as a whole admit that we have a problem in our community! i feel like so many people are so afraid to say that this doesnt happen in OUR town, its just this kid who smoked weed in high school or the kid that had a rough up bringing! well if u have seen the people who i have, do the things that ive done then u already know, that this is everywhere and sure as hell, is a problem in this Small and friendly town! see its not the problem itself that hurts me so much its that so many people view these happenings as single events...because this is bigger than all of us! this is happening and has been happening for a long time now....believe me i know! hell i used to be part of the problem!! but its that very pretending that hurts this problem, thinking that it will all just go away. its something that needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with. is it uncomfortable? hell yea it is...but so is talking about sexual assault or cancer...no one wants it to happen but dammit it does and we as human beings cant not sit back and watch it spread out of control.
this is how i start doing my part and even if my part is just to help myself at least im not apart of the problem anymore..iam going into bay port in this next month to tell my story...to tell kids that ur right....weed and drinking  may not lead to heroin or the other drugs, but it did with me. now my political views on marijuana have never changed but for me i know that i can never go back to just smoking because it would never stop there. some people can have productive lives using...im not one of them. but never at 15 years old did i think i would be a junkie....no kid ever wants to grow up to be a junkie and i certainly was not one of them either...but i did, that drug kicked my ass and now here i am 27 years old starting over 100%! and im one of the lucky ones!!!!
change needs to happen, if ur like me and love this place we call home and the people in it, we need to start informing the youth of what is out there and what we have all lost in one form or another!
im gona be apart of the solution not the problem....what about u?!?!
WILL SOMETHINGS EVER CHANGE?!?!?


R.I.P. Matt O....... u will forever be missed!
Always,
Douglas

Home and what it means....

"I Feel Home"

There are few things pure in this world anymore,
and home is one of the few.
We'd have a drink outside,
maybe run and hide if we saw a couple men in blue.
To me it's so damn easy to see
that true people are the people at home.
Well, I've been away but now I'm back today,
and there ain't a place I'd rather go.
I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own.
I feel home,
when I'm chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real.

Feeling alright, heading out tonight,
maybe out to a dark driveway.
I say now some feel bored,
and some are looking for more.
Well, we all just decide to stay.
We got nothing to do,
and I look at you
I see something that I know and love.
and with the crack of a smile we all stay a while
we know from home there ain't nothing above.

Well in the end we can all call a friend
well that's something I know as true.
And then a thousand years and a thousand tears
I'll come finding my original crew

cause to me throughout eternity
there's somewhere where you're welcome to go
I said it's something free that means a lot to me
when I'm with my friends I feel home.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home,
when I'm chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real

I feel home.

lyrics by o.a.r.


To be home is amazing...to have people in my life that I pushed away so long ago. Family, friends, even people that i didnt know i had affected. Everyday is a test, trials and tribulations...nothing is easy but i finally understand that its not supposed to be. its reality...im finally living not just existing im apart of the free world. i payed my debt to society and yet i feel as if i havnt done enough. the people i hurt, my victims....i know the only way ill be able to repay that debt is to move forward with with life in a positive way. be responsible and not hurt the ones i love.  i have this feeling that my past will always hang over my head and maybe in a lot of ways it should. all i want is to be able to speak and not have the shadow of doubt held over my head. it will be my actions that gain me that respect...this i know.
i have people in my life that show and help me everyday. its those few that make this journey all worth it.  i have the up most respect for them.  i feel alive, i feel like douglas again. these writing are just that now...they are my way to truly feel..when i write it becomes clear, the path that i want to live. i want that happiness, do i know what that happiness entails? no i dont but i know what it doesnt entail. i dont need all the material things that i used to chase. life is simpler than that, i do know that i want security, family, and structure....yes structure. to be normal as i can.. but what is normal? im a 27 year old 5 time felon, starting over. can i ever live "normal"? i believe so, i dont think that think that i have to be defined as the ex junkie and convict! now it will always be apart of me and that i wouldnt change. my life has molded me into what iam...and i like who iam..we should all live and like who we are.
i know that im home i feel it everyday...whether its driving past bay port or hearing a song that touches my soul. i love this town, so many great memories. its all of u people that has given that to me. ive let go of many of my past resentments i know that it just poisions me! does nothing but hold me back, so today i let it all go and move forward. my years of using drugs were some of the best of my life, that i cant deny but one day i woke up and the fun wasnt there anymore, by that time i couldnt stop!  i knew my life was crumbling around me but i still refused to get help. i just didnt want it, change scared me i couldnt imagine living sober. could i ever have fun again, could i ever coupe with my issues? it wasnt till i finally had it in my life did i see the beauty of it. i could feel...happiness, saddness, even anger it all felt good again. ive been told that ur only as sick as the secrets you keep and that couldnt be more true!  ive delt with things....things that i thought were in the past...my fathers suicide was a big one...it had been years so i thought that i didnt need to talk about it. truth was i never dealt with it. i had so many abandonment  issues, self worth issues. see as children we can be very self centered and grandious. i truly thought that my father killed himself because i wasnt good enough. never realizing that he was sick, sick with the same addiction that i now face. he chose heroin over his only son, years later i chose the same drug over my loved ones. finally understanding the true love that i felt. heroin was the only thing that i was ever truly loyal too. i loved that drug like i never loved anyone. it made the world alright, it made the world pretty and bright to me. while blinding me to the fact that i was creating a wave of destruction in my choices! yet when i was high i didnt see it! god what a loser i was! fuck i just want to scream...the anger i now feel...the hate i have in my heart for that drug or is it for myself? i thought i was the man plain and simple. i had this, i could control it, handle it. never let it do, what it did to him! not until i had the rope around my neck did i see how far i had fallen. wishing that i could have my fathers peace! now i live for the fact that i can have my peace, i just have to let go of my resentments, let go of the fact that my fathers death had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him!  just like my own addiction had nothing to do with him...i did it for me because i loved the high!  even today it calls my name, hell i can still taste the last time i was with it! i know i have another high in me...i just dont have another recovery in me...thats the fear that i hold on to. i feel as if its a healthy fear, i know right where it will take me. i will go right back to the sneaky, self centered, and selfish person that i was for so many years. its that drive that pushes me everyday. i was emotionaly and spirituly broken, i had died in both those respects, only wishing for the physical death. a death that wasnt to be.... i was to take the long way back to life, to sit my time and bust my ass every step of the way.
those small things that i used to write about are now my reality and they are just as great as those nights i used to spend alone in my cell. those nights i would write and have tears splatter on the paper as i sat and poured my heart out on paper. just hoping someone would hear my screams, to know just how sorry i was for becoming the monster that i was. finally feeling and regaining a grasp on my life. yelling at the top of my lungs for a second chance and yet trying my best not to sound like a bitch who was having a pitty party for myself! being fully aware that everyone has troubles and problems in there life. knowing that i had no excuse for my actions because those actions were complety on me, no one else, not my past, not the drugs but on me! today...as i see the things for the first time again, i feel the peace i have been searching for. i got my second chance and it will not all be in vain. my work is not done, its only begun...thats what puts a smille on my face! i understand that my worst day sober is still better than my best day using!
while i was at bootcamp i wrote a letter saying good bye to my love....saying good bye to heroin. as i wrote i felt like i was loosing my best friend all over again..i spilled my guts that day and as i read the words in group tears came to my eyes.....this is what i wrote...........

Dear Heroin (or as you were to me...my chinito, my capricorn, my goat),
what a dysfunctional relationship you and i have had over the years. i can honestly say youve been my one and only love for over a decade. a love so strong that you came before me and everyone else in my life. you are the one thing in my life that i have been 100% honest and loyal to. you know my darkest secrets and inner most fears. i had a bond with u that i thought would never break, a bond more scared than marriage. when it came to you and i, it was literally "till death do us part".
im now starting to see powers both greater than you or i, are at work. that power is in recovery, a recovery and strength so strong that it can mend the soul...it gave me a new look at life. a life where ur claws are not firmly dug into my back.
in writing this letter, i have a wide rang of emotions. alot of which are anger, an anger that has built up over the past years of being powerless over you. the helplessness of not being able to say goodbye to you....even if i wanted to. thats where the saddness comes in, i never wanted to stop, i never wanted you out of my life. you were my best friend, it was you that made life alright. i used to always say "you werent the problem, the problem was when i didnt have u". i do miss and think of you everyday. its a strange feeling to wake up and not put a needle in my arm....hell im even lonely without you. i feel lonely because i now deal with life on lifes terms....and frankly it sucks! i even hate it! i know that their is a life out there that i can be happy with. but, with the last 30 months of my sobriety, ive had much more struggle and hardships. some days feel like a hopeless fight....responsibilties, feelings, doing the right thing! why did i sign up for this? hadnt i loved my life before? isnt that why i stuck with u all those years? no, the fact was that i wasnt living, i only exsited or survived. the life with you was just a lie, a lie that i so desperatly tried to keep because i didnt want to face the fact that i was even lieing to myself. that has been the struggle that i speak of, not only did i lie but i believed my own lies. thats where the sickness is. i wasnt willing to ask the hard questions in life, i didnt ask because the answer would just be bullshit anyways."ask no questions and ill tell no lies" what a messed up motto, what a messed up life! it was a lie that i would fight for though. not wanting to give it up, even today. its a new life that i try to grasp onto. a sober life, that i hold onto like a lifejacket attempting not to drown. that reason comes from only one thing....fear, the fear of change.
i dont want to struggle anymore. i want to recover, i want you out of my life forever....HA! there i go again, attempting to lie to myself again.... i dont want u gone forever, thats a stamement that im in no way ready to make...YET!  i do know that i want u gone for today...for now ill take that and use it to build a foundation in my recovery.
i cant believe how long its been since u were last in my life. i can still remember the last time...i can taste it! i start to sweat just thinking of u...the beauty that i saw it as. the love i felt, i cant continue to go there. i must think of the atrosities that i did, the victims i created and my family that i hurt. so for today...and i pray tomorrow, that u wont return! for, i now see a life worth living. and that life starts and ends with recovery. its a life that will bring me happiness and something to be truly proud of! i know the scars that u have left me with both physical and emotional...but i was strong enough to finally walk away. no longer do u control me, im in control of my own fate and the path i pursue... u cant take that from me..i now strive for greatness and i promise ill make it, just watch and see!

good bye,
Douglas

that was writin about 3 months ago...now three months is not alot of time...but my transitional period has been huge. im out of prison living everyday as a sober man.  does it still call to me? yes it does! it will forever and the day i let my guard down, will be the day that it takes me. i had someone read this before it was posted and she looked at me with fear in her eyes after reading it....plainly...it scared her. a fear that is justified. see, i dont say these words to scare anyone that cares for me..i speak them because thats just the way it is. but today as i go into the sunshine...i feel a different feeling...its the type of feeling u get when u walk at night with nothing but the moon and stars in the sky. or when u look into the eyes of someone u love! ITS THE SMALL THINGS! that part hasnt changed. i can hear a song or even smell something that takes me back to my days using, but i dont have that constant nagging on my neck. my days have been hectic yet peaceful since ive been home. everyday i feel more complete, like i said im not a changed man, im a changing man. so as i go forward and deal with my demons... u dont have that worry...i dont! i know what i want, i know that im capable of. doubt can be very motivating and thats what i use it as...nothing more just my drive in life.  i dont want the high anymore but its just a fact i will forever be an addict, forever that wont change. just the way it is, wish it wasnt but it is. moving forward is all i need to do, the rest will play out like its supposed to......so have some faith and smile.

always,
Douglas

I Finally made it HOME!!

Damn, putting this together with out a pen and paper...i feel like im out of my element. Been home two weeks now, as scary as it is..i feel good. im back in the world dealing with the good and bad.
the emotions that i felt have been overwelming. the first night out, i got stuck in the soda section at the grocery store for the longest time, i dont even drink soda but im looking and  there i was looking at  15 new flavors that i never tried! the first days out were hard, i had this anxiety that was out of this world...i knew that i wasnt doing anything wrong but it was still hard. i lived a certain way for so long, living to protect myself at all times and at all costs...some shit is hard to change! within a few days that anxiety eased, my family played a big part in that...friends too. that judgment wasnt there, the only judgment i felt was from myself...the things i did, the people i hurt, the ones i abandoned,,,i was a piece a shit junkie that only cared about one thing..getting high. yet no one held that against me.i
then came the nite i had to call the police...i had abby and tyler over, they left around 2, a minute later they were back at my door saying u gota call the police!! my first reaction was,,, what the fuck? i do not call the police,speciallly not to come into my house, but a woman that had some mental disorder was in trouble,walking the streets of suamico with pjs and bare feet, this woman needed help. so i called 911 and had the police come, thank god i had people there because all that anxiety came back..full force. i sat on the couch shaking like a leaf, it was just another step in the right direction....i was doing the right thing, being responsible, not something that im used to. she got the help that she needed and they left and for once i didnt leave with them in the back of a squad car.
holidays came and went...lots of tears and even more laughs, i missed 2 holiday seasons in prison and who know how many during my addiction, i never liked xmas,,always reminded me of my dad and really it was just another excuse to get smaked out, it was life sucks so fuck life ill get high,,again pushing those who love me away. being selfish and not understanding what i was doing to those who loved me. this holiday i was able to laugh and enjoy others, i got to talk to my grandmother in washington, a woman who, i like everyone else pushed away so long ago, but she stood by my side also, being a pen pal in prison, i was able to rebuild a relationship with her, as some of you know my grandmother passed this morning,,i got to hear my grandmother shed tears of joy about having her grandson home,,and i was free, i was clean, i told her i was doing well without the shame of a lie shadowing my voice, she stayed strong long enough to hear my voice as a free man...the impact that, that now has on me is amazing. i have someone standing by my fathers side saying"look our boy is home",,,haha i miss u dad, i love u grandma,,,and yes ur right ur boy is home and please belive me when i say im happy....truly happy,
im not fighting my sobriety, im embracing everything about it,,,the good, the bad, and the ugly, do i think about getting high? yes everyday and thats ok im sober today and pray that i will be tomorrow,
my mom, my rock,,,i catch her looking at me like she is looking at me for the first time,,,in many ways she is,,she looks at me in a way that i dont understand,,,her love is unconditional,,maybe its because i dont have kids of my own, but its a very sureal thing,,the fear is gone from her eyes. it may still live in her heart but that i do get because im the only one who knows how bad it was...the monster that i had become was nothing nice, the things i did to feed my arms were insane,,,no one was safe, including her, infact she had some of the worst treatment of my actions,,,,it was that unconditional love that i took advatage of,,,knowing that all she ever wanted for me was my own happiness,,even if that meant taking her down with me, some call it enabling,,maybe thats what it was but i was a master manipulator and i had every lie and excuse,,,willing to go to any length to get drugs, and i used everyone of them....even after exposing myself to the lengths of my deception,,,she still stood with me, unconditional love,,,its one hell of a force,,,a mothers love is like no other, i thank my higher power everyday for giving me her as a mother, i love u mom and im not going anywhere,
ive come home to a world where my little brothers and now my bigger brothers,,,,isnt that a bitch! not to mention i have a lil sister who is the sweetest thing anyone could ask for,,shes 13 and has her priorities together like no one else, she focused, she has drive and she has love for her big bro!! these kids are so damn amazing...they bring me back to a simpler time in my life, for as old as they make me feel at times,,,they sure do keep me young,,i would love if they left all the prison jokes alone one of these days but i guess i deserve that too.  i can never express in words how sorry i am for abandoning them during their teenage years...the embarresment i put on them to have a junkie brother that dishonered their name, and yet they make me feel as i never left,,,they are the ones who let me know what forgiviness is all about,,how holding resentments do nothing but put a poison into urself ,,,they r bigger than that,,,they do what they need to and enjoy life,,,just like a child should,,i just pray that my own mistakes werent in vain, that they can pull the postive out of my failures...and learn from them, it was something that i myself could not do...i spit in the face of wisdom and said that im gona do it my way,
but now im on a new path im back,,,
im doing what needs to be done,,,just like the song "im not afraid" says,,,,,and i just cant keep living this way, so starting today im breaking out of this cage,im standing up im gona face my demons, im maning up im gona hold my ground, ive had enough im so feed up! im gona put my life back together right now! it was my decision to get clean, i did it for ME! admittiedly i probably did it sublimely did it for U!!!!
i did this to have a life again,,,a life that i can be proud of, i dont want what i once had, i want structure and security,,,i want joy and love,,family and friends! ones that want to see me successed not fail, not fall but to be happy for ones happiness, haha its back to those little things...remember those little things!! yea it time to take time for the little things,,,take it from someone who has been humbled in everyway,,knocked off his high horse,,whatever u want to call it,,,just take time to enjoy whats important in life,,,family and friends,  find that happiness inside u!! im not even saying that ive found it myself,,,but im beginning to understand what it is,,for the first time in my life i dont live for today, im planning for tomorrow and even more im excited for tomorrow!
its a new day and no one knows what its gona bring,,,good, bad, or ugly im excited,,,,,
thank u to everyone,,,,u all know who u are!

as always,,,,stay positive!
always douglas

It's Time!

So I lied about that last post being my last one before I got home. The reason behind that is that I have earned ILU (Independent Living Unit). What it is is a separate part of the building that I have my own room and a bit more freedom, plus I can listen to the RADIO again. Rock my world! Also I get more time to write, so my urge to write is off the charts. Not to mention that I’m literally 20 some days from walking out of prison. 30 months of incarceration, 6 months of boot camp, and almost a lifetime of addiction. My emotional state is a 10 right now. My ups and downs are crazy, forget day to day… I can go from laughs to tears in a matter of hours, depending on the topic in that particular group.

I graduate on December 3^rd, right now I’ll be home anywhere between December 7^th and the 14^th, and it all depends on how fast my papers come back from the judge. Then I‘ll be on electric monitoring, A.K.A. the bracelet for 3 months. Meetings and aftercare treatment will be a huge part of my life. Work and becoming re-adjusted to free living will be my goals.

My plans are simple, yes; it’s still those small things that I dream of. The night skies, black olives, my loved ones by my side, and don’t forget some good music. I have also been in a recent depression the last 8 weeks or so… O’ how I miss my Packers! At least they are Division leaders, but I sure do miss my Green and Gold on Sundays. Soon, so very soon! Crazy thing is that I still haven’t seen the Super Bowl that they won two years ago. How sad is that?!!? Yes, I’ve seen many highlights but not the same. After the Pack won the Super Bowl I remember joking with my family saying “If I knew that all I had to do was go to prison for the Packers to win the super Bowl, I would have done it years ago!” J HaHa

I haven’t watched any T.V. for 5 months and I can’t find one thing that interests me what so ever so I just turn on the radio and write. I’d rather pick up a book than watch some of these programs.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving; the holiday season is going to be going full force, which is extremely scary for me. The holidays have always been a heavy using time for me, most of that has to do with my father. See, with my dad living so far away, I always knew when I would get a “for-sure” phone call from him, of course one of those special calls were on the holidays. To say the least it’s a hard time for me. By far, the areas of discussion that I bring up the most are about my dad. It’s been 12 years and my grieving just started, on an emotional level at least. The tears have always been there but the understanding on the “true” feeling side, was always covered up by drug use. I’ve gotten to so many underlying troubles… self-worth, resentment, and loneliness. At my young age I couldn’t understand how my father could take himself from me; was Heroin really that good? Was I not “good” enough? Questions that were extremely irrational and in no way relevant. But in my own grandiose thinking I thought I was the source of my father’s drug addiction, I thought that I had that kind of power. Just like I didn’t put a needle in my arm because of my father, he didn’t put one in his because of me. He did it for the same reason as I, because we both loved the high more than anything else. And that’s the truth, plain and simple; everything else was just a justification to use. It was the high, always has been.

Life this past 5 months has been nuts, I’ve met people just like me who truly believe in the sober way of life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met many who are here for the early release. Some of the most powerful moments here have been outside of the group, like on work crew, where I have a little more frustration to conversate. It’s then when the real person comes out, so easily could you talk about past “war” stories or how you plan on getting out to your old life. But to find a few people who are really tired of living in the clutches of addiction… well that’s special to me and each one of us are frightened beyond belief. Though now, there is hope. When we talk, we fantasize about sober living. The little things! How I and others have taken them for granted. The past 2 ½ years were the wake up, those were the positive and productive years, those years before when I was not living, only existing… those were the stagnant years. Now in 20 some days will be on a beginning, a rebirth, and a second and final chance at this life that I so badly want to achieve. My recovery will be first above all, that’s just the way it has to be. Without it, I am a failure and no use to anyone. In recovery the saying is “do the work,” and that’s what I plan to do. Recovery isn’t just a thing, it’s everything!

As I end one path to start anew, I’m at that pivotal fork in the road; no one knows what path I will choose. I can tell you the path I want and will take on the day of my release. But to say that this path is set in stone that I cannot do. That is not to be misconstrue, I will put my best foot forwards, al I am getting at is that the days of putting pen to paper and talking the talk are growing to an end. Then will begin the days of action, those will be the days I live for, the days of the real test, and I will be tested daily for the rest of my life. Scary? Yes, but I must keep going forward, in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “If you cannot fly, run. If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl. But by all means keep moving.” That’s my plan to put one foot in front of the other, this is a path I do not know, but moving forward and putting in the work is what needs to be done. The rest I leave up to my higher power and the serenity prayer.

To everyone who has stuck by me, Thank you! And for everyone waiting and wanting to see me fall well thank you too! In 20 days I can flash my smile and thank you in person. For it’s the starts of something new, something great. What it is, I do not know, nor do I care. It’s happiness that I strive for, true and plain happiness.

As I end, I leave you with “The Final Analysis.”

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway,

Give the world the best you have, and it may be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. –Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I read that the first day I arrived here, then it was just words, today they live inside me as a way of life. Things so simple and small, but then again… it’s those small things in life that need the most attention.

Thanks to all, please know that I have nothing but love and respect for you all!

Always,

Douglas

Fears In the Final Countdown

Never in my life has the statement: “It’s the final countdown.” Rang so true in my world. By the time that this is posted I’ll be right a 30 days. I have tons of fear, but I finally understand that I have two kinds of fear. I have the fear that lives in my head and then the fear that lives in my heart. Sadly the fear that was in my head always had to do with consequences… prison, creating victims, and loss of relationships on all fronts. See, when I was using my conscious went out the window along with those fears, as long as my needle stayed sharp… well that’s all that mattered. Yet, the fear in my heart was and is extremely powerful  to me. That fear is the fear of my own self-worth and ultimately my fear of death.

I bring up these fears because now that I have my sobriety, I see how fear can be used as motivation. I never want to be “that guy” again.

Today as I write this, I am healthier than I’ve been in years both physically and emotionally. I have in my life positive self-pride and have learned how important it is to be humble. All I want now is to live my life as a positive and productive person.

It’s hard to believe that I’m coming up on my 30^th month of incarceration. To me it’s not all sad and depressing. The sad part was the negative and wasted years of my Heroin addiction. At least in these past 30 months, I’ve learned, grown, and accomplished goals. You may ask what  in the hell could I possibly accomplish in prison… ha-ha well, if you truly knew how bad it really was you’d see how lucky I am to be writing this today.

So many days would go by and I would look out the window of my jail cell, cursing the position that I put myself in. But it happened and I was the person dealt with the consequences. These past years have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more excited about where my life is going. I’m ready to take the next step forward in my life and continue to battle my addiction in the free world.

Life for me will be very difficult and different for me in every way. My sobriety comes first… plain and simple. Also I must hold firm on healthy boundaries with all in my life. I have many goals that I will continue to strive for. It’s all so exciting for me! A chance I never thought I’d get again.

Every day I thank God that I had the chance to come to this program. My eyes have been opened time and time again; my drug use was only part of my problem. My criminal thinking played such a huge part in my life… really it still does. I battle daily with memories of the past, cravings, and reservations on things that I believe I can still do. Even reading my past posts, much of my thinking was still very messed up. My resentments and denial were huge defenses that I had built up. I see now that for myself to gain forgiveness, I must first forgive others. Is it easy? No, but seldom is anything that means anything in this world. I’m just saying I don’t want that hate in my heart anymore. These past 6 months have been the hardest 6 months that I’ve ever faced. I’ve dug deeper and worked harder on myself than ever before. My squad, squad #8, is my brothers! The 11 of us have laughed, cried, sweated, vented, and poured our souls and secrets to each other. Through them I see that I am not alone in my fears. They also give me hope and put an excitement into my recovery. I can’t tell you how powerful it is to have other people that you respect be excited about recovery and changing their life. It lets me know that I am not alone.

My journey will truly begin in 1 month; no longer will I have staff members watching my every move. No longer will I have groups forced upon me daily. I say forced because in one month I have the choice to never step foot into another group in my life if I don’t want to. But, the great thing is; now I crave these group settings I realize that I cannot battle this on my own and you know what? I wouldn’t want to. Seldom in my life have I felt power like I feel when I sit in a room full of recovering addicts and hear them share their pain. They share not only for their own selfish reasons but for the fact that they know that their openness may very well help to keep me sober, even if it’s just for that day.

The greatest thing that I’ve got from this program is the simple understanding that… my worst day sober is still better than my best day using. No words have rang more true than those!

This letter is just that… a rambling of my fears. I’m coming home a different person, a person that I’m happy to be and even proud of. But I’m still afraid; my fears come to the base of what if I fail? What if people don’t like the new Douglas? What if I’m looked at as a hypocrite? These fears may be irrational but they are real. Really I can’t do anything about those fears except face them. After all all you need to do is look at fear like so… F.ace E.verything A.nd R.ecover. That’s what I now do. I face it, I life who I am. I can finally say with pride the old me is dead and gone… now it’s just Douglas.

Thank you all for your support!

I will be home soon. I hope all is well with everyone. Take care and stay positive.

Always,

Douglas