4/4/12
I want to start by thanking so many of you. Your support has
been amazing! I have fallen behind in my letter response the last week.
Obviously time is not the problem. J
I just have to step my stamp game up. I have to order them from a prison
catalog and it takes a bit to receive the order. So please don’t think that I’m
not going to write you back… I am! I just wanted to let everyone know.
They call it the “game…” drugs, drug dealing, crime in
general. I saw so many kids playing with fire while I was involved with it. See
you don’t do things I do without knowing that prison is right around the
corner. For me I knew that prison was in my future. It wasn’t a matter
of if but when. So many
people don’t understand that it’s a double edge sword. Yes, there’s the high,
the money, and of course the power! For me he power was the best! To have
something that someone wants or needs for that matter is very powerful! Driving
for hours with a car load full of drugs… then making it home and shutting the
garage door… you think “I made it! I fucking made it!” I had to take pride in
my drug use and dealing. I wanted to be the best… I strived for it. I wanted to
do the most, have the best quality, and have the top connections. This may
sound insane but it’s the truth, shit, ask anyone who partied with me. Who says
you have to be a rock star to party like one. The point I’m trying to make is
there is a whole different side to things. The other edge of the sword. Of
course there’s prison. But I’ve been robbed at gun point… put to my knees, guns
to my head. I’ve been screwed out of 10’s of thousands of dollars… and then I
still had to pay my debts. The problem with having top connections… well
they don’t play about money… They’d give me whatever I wanted and sometimes
more. Even on the flip if I needed it out on pay day, you better come right.
Most were people I considered friends but in this game business is business.
I’m not saying this because I want to preach. I’m just
saying it the way it happened to me. No one was ever going to tell me
different, I was going to do me… no matter what. I’m just trying to shed some
light on what really happens in the game. You can’t beat the game… I tried and
I made it a long time, 10+ years, but in the end it’s all the same for everyone…
jails, institutions, or death. They say crime doesn’t pay… bullshit! It
pays and it pays really well. It may be a hippie white kid from the suburbs but
I’ve played the game with the best of them. I’ve put in my work. But in the end
I was no exception to the rule… I still lost. They say ball till you fall!
Well, I fell! HARD! But watch what I do this next round! J
I strive for a new high now. Hahah hell… if I put a fraction
of effort into my recovery that I did into getting high… well then D. Darbs AKA
me, has got this. I know what I need to do. I don’t try to act like I got this
addiction licked. I don’t. I never will. I will forever be an addict. In
Narcotics Anonymous we talk about how drugs are cunning, baffling, and
powerful, but I also believe that they are patient. Not only do they wait for
you in a moment of weakness but also when you are at the top of your game. If
you don’t believe me, well look at my own father… he had the world by the
balls. Sober 10 years, had his son in his life, had a new family and woman that
truly loved him, plus he was at the top of his game when it came to his career.
The story with my father… he also was an addict… addicted to it all, just like
me. It didn’t matter the substance.
Coke, weed, alcohol, or Heroin… Did it all, loved it all. My mom has always
loved my father, it was him that told her to take me and leave. He told
her “Tami I’m not strong enough to get clean… if you stay I will destroy this
family. Take Douglas and go!” And she did. I was 2 years old. When I was 4, my
father finally sobered up. After that I began to spend my summers with him out
in Washington. Some of the best days of my life. Any way things were great.
Then in the summer of my 13th birthday I went out there and I saw
him drinking. I still had a good summer but things were different. I remember
boarding the plane to go back to WI. My dad always wore sunglasses when I was
leaving because he would be crying and he didn’t want me to see his tears. Well
I asked him to take off his glasses… He did and I told him… “Dad, you
lost mom! Don’t lose me too!” That was the last time I ever saw my dad alive. I
remember the tears in his eyes… I never saw him cry before. Two years later I
was sitting in Los Banditos having lunch with my mom and dad, Bruce. When we
left my mom had a voicemail from her work saying to call my Grandmother in
Washington. Looking back on it now, she knew right away. I remember every
aspect of that day. On the way to my dad’s business, he kept trying to lighten
the mood. Finally, my mom leaned over and whispered in his ear. Before that
moment I didn’t think it was my dad… anyone but my father. She whispered… “It’s
Danny!!” I went numb after that. We got to the furniture store and I sat in my
dad’s office while my mom pot on the phone and called Washington. Two minutes
into the call… she started balling and looked at me… she couldn’t even say the
words… finally she got it out. “Baby, it’s your dad… he’s gone…” Everything
after that is just a blur. I was 15… it
was the worst day of my life. He left me a suicide note, the context of the
letter is just for me though but he made no excuse… He was just tired of
falling… He knew what to do to get up. But just like everyone else… He wasn’t
an exception to the rule… The game took a good man that day! The day was Aug.
26, 2000; on Aug. 26, 2010 I fell…
I love you Dad, Don’t worry!
I GOT UP!
Till next time,
Douglas
