Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

The Game

4/4/12

I want to start by thanking so many of you. Your support has been amazing! I have fallen behind in my letter response the last week. Obviously time is not the problem. J I just have to step my stamp game up. I have to order them from a prison catalog and it takes a bit to receive the order. So please don’t think that I’m not going to write you back… I am! I just wanted to let everyone know.

They call it the “game…” drugs, drug dealing, crime in general. I saw so many kids playing with fire while I was involved with it. See you don’t do things I do without knowing that prison is right around the corner. For me I knew that prison was in my future. It wasn’t a matter of if but when. So many people don’t understand that it’s a double edge sword. Yes, there’s the high, the money, and of course the power! For me he power was the best! To have something that someone wants or needs for that matter is very powerful! Driving for hours with a car load full of drugs… then making it home and shutting the garage door… you think “I made it! I fucking made it!” I had to take pride in my drug use and dealing. I wanted to be the best… I strived for it. I wanted to do the most, have the best quality, and have the top connections. This may sound insane but it’s the truth, shit, ask anyone who partied with me. Who says you have to be a rock star to party like one. The point I’m trying to make is there is a whole different side to things. The other edge of the sword. Of course there’s prison. But I’ve been robbed at gun point… put to my knees, guns to my head. I’ve been screwed out of 10’s of thousands of dollars… and then I still had to pay my debts. The problem with having top connections… well they don’t play about money… They’d give me whatever I wanted and sometimes more. Even on the flip if I needed it out on pay day, you better come right. Most were people I considered friends but in this game business is business.

I’m not saying this because I want to preach. I’m just saying it the way it happened to me. No one was ever going to tell me different, I was going to do me… no matter what. I’m just trying to shed some light on what really happens in the game. You can’t beat the game… I tried and I made it a long time, 10+ years, but in the end it’s all the same for everyone… jails, institutions, or death. They say crime doesn’t pay… bullshit! It pays and it pays really well. It may be a hippie white kid from the suburbs but I’ve played the game with the best of them. I’ve put in my work. But in the end I was no exception to the rule… I still lost. They say ball till you fall! Well, I fell! HARD! But watch what I do this next round! J

I strive for a new high now. Hahah hell… if I put a fraction of effort into my recovery that I did into getting high… well then D. Darbs AKA me, has got this. I know what I need to do. I don’t try to act like I got this addiction licked. I don’t. I never will. I will forever be an addict. In Narcotics Anonymous we talk about how drugs are cunning, baffling, and powerful, but I also believe that they are patient. Not only do they wait for you in a moment of weakness but also when you are at the top of your game. If you don’t believe me, well look at my own father… he had the world by the balls. Sober 10 years, had his son in his life, had a new family and woman that truly loved him, plus he was at the top of his game when it came to his career. The story with my father… he also was an addict… addicted to it all, just like me.  It didn’t matter the substance. Coke, weed, alcohol, or Heroin… Did it all, loved it all. My mom has always loved my father, it was him that told her to take me and leave. He told her “Tami I’m not strong enough to get clean… if you stay I will destroy this family. Take Douglas and go!” And she did. I was 2 years old. When I was 4, my father finally sobered up. After that I began to spend my summers with him out in Washington. Some of the best days of my life. Any way things were great. Then in the summer of my 13^th birthday I went out there and I saw him drinking. I still had a good summer but things were different. I remember boarding the plane to go back to WI. My dad always wore sunglasses when I was leaving because he would be crying and he didn’t want me to see his tears. Well I asked him to take off his glasses… He did and I told him… “Dad, you lost mom! Don’t lose me too!” That was the last time I ever saw my dad alive. I remember the tears in his eyes… I never saw him cry before. Two years later I was sitting in Los Banditos having lunch with my mom and dad, Bruce. When we left my mom had a voicemail from her work saying to call my Grandmother in Washington. Looking back on it now, she knew right away. I remember every aspect of that day. On the way to my dad’s business, he kept trying to lighten the mood. Finally, my mom leaned over and whispered in his ear. Before that moment I didn’t think it was my dad… anyone but my father. She whispered… “It’s Danny!!” I went numb after that. We got to the furniture store and I sat in my dad’s office while my mom pot on the phone and called Washington. Two minutes into the call… she started balling and looked at me… she couldn’t even say the words… finally she got it out. “Baby, it’s your dad… he’s gone…” Everything after that is just a blur.  I was 15… it was the worst day of my life. He left me a suicide note, the context of the letter is just for me though but he made no excuse… He was just tired of falling… He knew what to do to get up. But just like everyone else… He wasn’t an exception to the rule… The game took a good man that day! The day was Aug. 26, 2000; on Aug. 26, 2010 I fell…

I love you Dad, Don’t worry!

I GOT UP!

Till next time,

Douglas

A little of what I did

This first entry is some insight on what landed me in my situation today. About 6 or 7 years ago I became addicted to Heroin. As many of you may remember, my drug addiction was present long before then, but my path of destruction began with smack. Don't get it twisted, life was good for many years. I lived the fast life an loved it! I had the woman of my dreams, paid my bills, and my family life was great. Because no one knew I was a junkie I though I was O.K. I thought I was a "Functioning Junkie." Let me tell you no one including myself can keep that life up and I was no exception. I lived by all the wrong sayings... like, "tomorrow's not promised so fuck the world" and "money is meant to b spent not counted," So I was always BMF (blowing money fast)! Heroin eventually took every other pleasure out of my life. All that mattered to me was the high. It came before anything. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. My life was centered around sticking a needle in my arm. Let me tell you when you look yourself in the mirror and see the black and blue tracks going up and down your arms... well, it's sad. I mean I knew I had a problem. Hell I even knew my family would help me if I asked. The problem was I didn't want to get clean. I just accepted the life. I truly thought I'd die a junkie.

August 26, 2010 was the day that I finally lost it. That was the 10 year anniversary of my father's suicide. Not that that was an excuse at all! My crimes are on me 100%. It was just the day I snapped. It was that day that I just wanted the pain to stop. I knew how to make it go away... I needed to numb out and this time I wanted to take it to a new extreme... So on that fateful day I walked into the (store) in (my town) and robbed the pharmacy. Five days later I was out (of pills) again and now I'm on the news. I knew the end was near and again all that mattered was the high. I went and robbed another. Plain and simple! Between the two robberies, I got just under 1000 Oxycontin pills (400 oxy 80's and 500+ oxy 40's). Thirteen days later when the SWAT team kicked in my door, I had 76 left. Every one of those pills went into my arms. Even I know someone was looking down on me to not let me O.D. in those days. So yes, they got me and took me to jail. The judge set my bail for $100,000 and told me how much time I was facing... 65 years all together! Not to mention I was already on Felony probation for getting caught with a couple pounds of weed (another story in itself). To say the least I truly thought life was over, not to mention I'm starting to go into withdrawal.

This next part is hard for me but it needs to be said so you can fully understand where I was and where I am today. I was going to kill myself that day in jail. I had my pants around my neck and strung up in the shower. It was right then that I finally understood what my father must have felt that day he died. How scared and how alone he must have been. Right then I finally forgave him, shit maybe I even forgave myself. I then remembered what his suicide did to me and my family, how destructive it was on everyone. I couldn't do that to them. So I stood up and decided to fave this situation head on. I went into detox jail style, 100% cold turkey. Worst fucking month of my life! I was so sick. I really thought I might die. But I made it. After all of that, the next big day was the day I was sentenced. The District Attorney wanted 14 years in prison right now! I damn near fainted. I had my entire family there. They said some amazing words on my behalf (Thanks again mom!). It was then my turn to speak. I went with the honesty route with all of this. I told him much like I am telling you today, did my addiction play a part in my crimes? OF COURSE, but my crimes are on me 100%. I knew I deserved prison time, all I wanted was to re-pay my debt to society and get a second chance to live sober. I know in my heart that all this shit saved my life! I was never going to get clean on the streets, I didn't want it, it wasn't until I was finally clean that I saw how great sobriety could be! It took me being a rat in a cage to get my sobriety. After all of that, it was the judges turn to speak and sentence me He broke it down to me like so: "Son, I believe you've looked the devil in the eyes and tasted true evil. But I do believe you when you say you're not the person you are when you are high. I'm trying to save your life here today but only you and God can do that." He then sentenced me to 4 years in prison. He did do two things though, one he gave me a chance at early release. I have to complete a 6 month drug treatment and then I go home (I will find out in the coming months when I can start). The second thins he did was put a 12 year sentence over my head. Which means that if I fuck up on parole, I come back to prison for 12 years...NO questions asked! So it's time for Douglas to walk the straight and narrow. The judge showed me a lot of love that day in court. His words will forever be in my mind and heart. I owe that man my second chance at living. I will forever be grateful.

So where I am at today... I can't tell you how happy and at peace with everything I truly am. I know that I've always been a "glass half full" kinda guy, but I've pulled so many positives out of this whole situation. I've re-connected with so many old friends that I pushed out of my life long ago... The support has been amazing. Thank you! My family has been my rock through all of this. I have my entire family back... Darbys, Gerondales, Kasbohms, and even the Mocans. They have all given me nothing but love and respect. Don't get it twisted. I do not want to be locked up, but I'm right where I need to be. I'm so focused on myself and my sobriety. The old Douglas is back and I couldn't be happier. I'm more free than I've been in years. I wake up every morning and something the size of an aspirin doesn't control every aspect of my life. It's an amazing feeling. Prison can humble a man and it has for me. Life is simple, it's us that make things difficult. I can't wait for those small things... never mind the big things. I can't wait to see the stars or sit by a fire. Don't get me started on how I miss the feel of a woman! :) But yes, I will take this chance and make the most of it.

I'm currently locked up at Oshkosh prison. It's the largest prison in the state. I stay very busy and am just fine. Does bad shit happen in here... yes, but it's a bad place. It's supposed to. But don't believe every thing you see in the movies. I don't have to fear for my safety. Douglas is just fine.

I really don't know who will read this, but I hope you can take something from it. There's many people I owe an apology to. They will all come in time; I imagine there are a lot of people who won't accept it either. I can handle that. I live by new sayings. One is "endless mistakes, zero regrets." God knows I've fucked up but I wouldn't do anything different. I am who I am. It's made me. Call me big headed, but I life who I am. I won't apologize for that.

The second is the serenity prayer, it goes:
        God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
        the courage to change the things I can,
        and the wisdom to know the difference.
I still know tomorrow's not promised, but at least planning to be here to see it, more importantly EXCITED for tomorrow!

Last I want to thank my cousin and best friend, Abby Hendrix, for setting this all up and being my rock through all of this. She is in control of my facebook and can answer just about any questions you may have. Feel free to talk to her. She's an amazing and caring woman.

Abby, I know we're not blood but you're my true family and that will never change! Thank you for all that you do.

'Til next time, Always remember the good times and take things one day at a time, just a day at a time.

Always,
Douglas