Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas

Priceless

Written: 4/22/12

No price is too high to pay, for the privilege of owning one’s self…

Not only have I met friends in here but I’ve met people e who I consider brothers. They are made up of a group of men who have much different backgrounds than I, while others understand what it’s like to grow up in the suburbs. These guys don’t look at societal background, they don’t look at color. We have an understanding between us, we are all locked up doing time. I have a saying in here… Partners in crime, Brothers doing time. These gentlemen are my brothers… They whole heartedly understand what ts like behind these walls. They understand that I want to do good when I get out, many want the same thing. One such friend just left last week after being locked up for 10 years. His name is Torrey, but everyone including myself called him Cooper or Coop. Cooper didn’t want to go back to the streets, he wanted a better life for himself and his son.

Before Cooper got out, I told him I’d do everything in my power to help him adjut to “small town” living. The way I thought I could help him most would be trying to set him up with a job interview, not a job but an interview.

I talked to Cooper tonight for the first time since his feet hit the free world. I was super stoked to hear that the interview with my dad and him went well. I had already talked to my dad a few days prior and already knew about it but I wanted to hear his version! Coop went on to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated everything… I had to stop him short and thank him myself. At first I think he was confused by this but I went on to explain. I put myself out there with asking my dad to do this favor for me. See my dad and I have most definitely had ups and downs in our relationship. But for the first time in a long time I feel like he’s proud of me. My dad really showed me that by giving one of my brothers in here a chance. Not a guarantee, but a chance. He showed that he was ready to put some trust in me. I saw something in Cooper that you don’t see in just anyone in prison, I saw a drive, he knew that it was going to be tough when he got out. He wasn’t afraid, nervous of the unknown… maybe, but never afraid. He just needed a chance. Cooper I have given you nothing but my friendship. You will earn everything else. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy, but I think you already know that. I wish you nothing but the best my guy… I look forward to continuing our friendship in the world.

Tonight was very rewarding to me! The past with my dad has been really hard, our relationship was not healthy. I made mistakes ad so did he. Neither of us handled things well. It was late Jan. 2011, I was in Dodge awaiting sentencing in my new case. It was around 7 ppm and they were coming around with mail, they passed my cell and slipped a piece of mail through the door. Excited I grabbed the envelope and turned it over. There was an embossed envelope with the La-z-boy emblem on it… At once I felt sick. It was my 1^st contact with my dad since I caught my case and here he was reaching out to me. See when I got locked up I really thought “well, this is it, any progress that I’ve made lately is gone.” I knew in my heart that he was going to finally wash his hands of me… his fuck up of a son. So I opened the letter and after that 1^st line all my worries disappeared. In my hand was a letter from the man who raised me. I’ll always remember that 1^st line. “Douglas, this letter is long overdue. I want you to know how much I love you and want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t do something sooner.”

Tonight was a reminder of everything that I’ve gained since being locked up. A reminder of the most important thing in my life… my family. One family, One love.

The relationship I have with my family is absolutely amazing. That relationship really starts with my mother. The things that both her and I have been through could only be described as nothing else but special. My mom and I are extremely close, almost too close! Haha. Boy I wish I had some secrets from her. I’m a momma’s boy 100%. I will forever be her little boy! And I’m OK with that. She has always given me my strength and confidence, has always had my back, even when I was wrong. Don’t get it twisted she could be tough too! All she has to do is look at me wrong and I’ll put my hands up in surrender. Some people in my past have used the words weird or even sick to describe her and my relationship. Thinking back to those comments well I can only laugh. My mom is great in every way… I couldn’t be more proud to call her mom. Has she been one of my enablers? Yea, probably, but you got to understand… I was one hell of a manipulator! I know when I bled, she hurt… When I smiled, she felt joy and so on. I can’t fully describe our mother/son relationship but after everything is said and done, well, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

I may be back but with everything I’m going to achieve, none of it would be worth it without my family by my side. We all lost sight of that at one point in time. But let’s forget the past, we were all wrong at one point and time. And we most certainly handled it wrong. Even after everything we still stand as a family. Let’s never forget that!

Love you all so much!

Always remember… one family, one love!

Always,

Mom- Your baby boy

Dad- Your golden boy

Douglas

Raven

Written: 4/21/12

I watched a special on ABC tonight… it was on the street in LA called Sunset Blvd. It was a collection of 5 or 6 mini stories. For the people that don’t know Sunset Blvd. is a stretch of road that runs through Hollywood. Sex, drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll. The story that stuck with me was the one about a 15 year old girl named Alyssa Gomez, AKA. Raven. She was a little kid that had these black eyes… her eyes looked like she was 100. This kid was 15 years old, addicted to meth, selling her body, and living on the streets. I cannot even begin to imagine what this child went through in her short 15 years… I wish I could tell you that her story at least ended happily ever after, it didn’t. Raven was strangled to death and had her body dumped just behind Sunset Blvd. She had a boyfriend who was also addicted and was living on the streets. He managed to get cleaned up and leave the streets. Raven couldn’t/wouldn’t go get help. Once Jimmy (her bf) got his shit together he went back to her and tried to save her. She felt that she would just screw up his life, so again she refused the help… She was killed in cold blood because she truly thought she wasn’t good enough for happiness. That she wasn’t worth it.

I sat and watched this program, for 2 fucking hours, I kept cursing myself for turning on the damn TV but I couldn’t turn it off. I just sat there getting more and more upset. I was upset at everything I was pissed at the drugs. I was pissed at society, at her family, hell I was pissed at her… this baby girl who called herself Raven. The reason why I was so damn mad is because I understand… and with that understanding comes the truth.  They have to want it and I mean want it. For addicts, at least for me, what I want always  comes before what I need. I know getting sober is hard and you cannot  do it alone, but it has to come from within. It starts with the addict… after you can admit that you have a problem, tht you are powerless over drugs and that your life has become unmanageable. Then you can start accepting the help around you, and you can’t do it alone, at least I couldn’t. But that want to change has to come from within!

I myself believe in fate… I don’t believe that we are just living a prep-destined story but that we are given choices… a left turn or a right turn, if you will. What I’m getting at is, I believe I was put through these things that I’ve gone through because I was strong enough to handle them! Have I had moments of weakness? O-Yes! That’s why I know I could never achieve sobriety on my own. I was through all of this so that one day I could help others like myself. I am not trying to save anyone! I don’t have that power; I just want to show people that you don’t have to be a victim. Today as I stand and have the sun shine on my face, I can say “Douglas is no victim, today Douglas is a survivor!” ENDLESS mistakes, zero regrets! I now play the game we call life with my cards face up on the table… no secrets, no lies, no regrets! And guess what?! I’m still winning!

This post is for that girl Raven or anyone else that ever felt like they weren’t worth it.

With that I leave you with this…

At night I like to sit and write, hoping whomever reads it may gain some insight about my life and what it’s like. Pull something positive off these pages as I fight, hoping it reaches the masses, inspires and saves a life. They say you learn from your mistakes, but let my mistakes be your mistakes and learn from me. Sorta like reach one teach one. Why do we all have to fall to learn one lesson? Because like me most are stubborn and hard headed. There was a time when I strived to be the best that ever did it, just like then I still strive only now it’s for the better! For those who support me, I want to thank you, I need you to compete this recovery!

We are all worth it and deserve it!

Know that you’re all loved!

Always,

Douglas

I'm On the Front Line

Written 4/20/12

I’m on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

SO long to the regret

And now I know that I’m Alive

Im on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

So long to the regret

So now I see the world through diamond eyes!

-And again just some great lyrics…

Over and over I’m asked the same thing… what’s it like in there? Prison is a world of its own. Right now prison is my life that’s the reason why so many of my blogs have to do with prison or the reason why I ended up here… For me its hard to write or even think about the real world. I know the real world exists but to me it does not. Hell I don’t even dream about the real world. I dream about people from it but all my dreams are in here or in the yard! Fucked Up! These blogs and your responses are about as close to the real world as I get. Where I’m living it’s not the real world, you pay rent in the real world. Haha. It’s crazy because within these walls is a fully functioning “mini city.” It has everything from schools, library, hospital, police, fire station, laundry, restaurant, main kitchen, sanitation crew, maintenance, and politics. And every type of religion and church. Plus all the support groups that you can imagine. But in this city you have rules that the DOC (Department of Corrections) govern and then the rules of the convicts. You could even go as far as saying there is another set of rules that has to be followed because of all the different gangs. The thing is you have to play by all the rules because the penalties can be equally as dangerous just in different ways and on different levels. What I mean by that is.. you follow the un-said rules of the convicts/gangs because the guards cannot protect you… even if they wanted to, and trust me they don’t. Then of course you have the DOC rules, the hard part with them is they can change from guard to guard. Now for the inmate that has nothing to lose those rules don’t matter as much, but on the flip side of the coin it’s the inmates that “have nothing to lose” those are the ones who strictly enforce the convict code… It’s nothing to an inmate who still has 20 years to do to beat the hell out of you for a simple disrespect. Respect is EVERYTHING! Man, I cannot stress that enough. People do not play in here. A simple slip of the tongue can earn you an ass whooping. There are a few words you can never call someone in here unless you’re ready to fight and if you’re called that name and don’t do something about it… well that’s exactly what you’re looked at as in here! The 4 big ones are bitch, punk, pussy, or fag. Those are automatic fighting words.

Now for someone like me… I’m trying to go home early, to go home early I have to get into my programs but if you have a minor ticket, let alone a major, well that shit can derail you. And if you go to the hole… well you can just go ahead and push your program date 6 months to a year back. So I walk a thin line I don’t look for drama and I’m truly trying to mind my P’s and Q’s around the guards. Plain and simple I’m trying to go home. Just trying to do my time and go home. I pray that none of my loved ones or friends ever have to fully understand “this life.” Because it’s no way to live, right now I just exist like I’ve said in other posts… I’ve never feared for my safety. It’s way more of a mental struggle. Some can handle it. Some can’t, just like in real life.. It comes down to choices…

Before I forget, everyone wants to know how the food is… I’ve had better! J Haha its prison so no it’s not great but I’ve also had worse like Brown County Jail by far the worst time I’ve done was my time at Brown Co. Jail… aaaahhhh horrible in every way.

I tell you what though, if you can’t take something away from this than you’re not trying. I deserve to be here. On those fateful days I broke the law and put the fear of God into some innocent people. I was not nice and did scare the hell out of those pharmacists! I will forever have guilt in my heart for scaring those poor people. This is what it took for me to see how far I had fallen. I’m living and seeing days that I never thought I’d see! Above all, I keep on smiling because life always offers you a second chance… it’s called tomorrow. (Thanx Jenni J)

Just another day, as always I remain myself and take it a day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

Impecable Timing Tom

Written: 4/17/12

I am reminded daily on the meaning of friendship ad hope. How amazing it is to have friends. Tom Campbell sent me a letter today and after the day I had yesterday… well his letter really helped me. I didn’t even realize how deep his words were until about an hour ago when I was working. Now by this time I have already written Tom back and put the letter in the mail.

The reason why… it hit me in the heart is because Tom was a great friend of mine. I even lived with him and his family my senior year. Tom was also one of the 1^st people that I pushed away. See Tom has this way of seeing bullshit and even worse he’ll call you out on it! If anyone has ever had an argument with Tom, you know it’s like banging your head against a wall. J When I was getting high… arguing with anyone was out of the question, because it would ruin my high. I sure thought Tom would be that buzz kill… So I pushed him out of my life. When he first sent me a message on Facebook, I was shocked. I wrote to him and today I got his response. Like I said after a day like yesterday, he really put all of that into perspective and he didn’t even know it. He wrote this line saying “Anyone with an ounce of character will see through the past transgressions and be willing to build a future alongside you. If some people are holding onto grudges year after year, that’s their business. I wish them luck, that’s a lot of baggage to carry around. The people who care about you were the people that knew and loved you prior to rough times. You know who those people are… we both do!” Man, did those words hit me in the heart. Just what I needed to hear. Thanx brother.

Its comments and support like that that I finally understand where and who I should turn to in times of need. I know that I will have ups and downs. I just feel better having people in my life that have my back no matter what!

I will cut this short. I just wanted to post this to show that even the cloudy days have a bright spot to them. It’s those little things.

Always,

Douglas

My Response

Written: 4/16/12

Man, what a day! Prison can be a powerless place to be. Today was a day when I had many emotions, many of them I felt two or three times just at different point of the day. I had to wrestle with myself over and over on whether or not I wanted to write this blog. Everyone that I talked to just told me “to leave it alone” or “she’s just looking for a reaction!” Well, Abigail if that’s true… if you wanted a reaction out of me, or I should say if you wanted to hurt me, let me be the 1^st to say congrats! That shit you posted about me on your Facebook crushed me!

Your 1^st quote from T-Pain, you called me a punk bitch who’s getting fucked in prison… HaHa that shit I can live with. Well even laugh at! I mean come on I have teenage brothers that come up with more clever shit than that! But you saying “Hey P. Farbs good luck on yo 12 years stayed imposed sentence.” Not going to lie, that shit cut deep. You’re really going to wish bad on me like that? You’re going to hope for me to do another 12 years on top of the 3 I’m already going to have done? That’s fucked up! And it’s even more fucked up because you yourself just caught a dope case; you’re going to wish more prison time on me, when you just caught a class D felony plus two more lower felonies? That class D felony is a 25 year max, sweetheart, that’s no slap on the wrist!

Abs I haven’t even spoken to you since August. I’ve stayed out of your life, wished you nothing but happiness and then you put your Facebook back up and take shots at me like that. I really don’t understand. Did I really hurt you that bad? I’m the 1^st to admit I was a shit boyfriend; I made more mistakes than I can count and told more lies than I care to admit. What makes you the maddest? Or was it that I used to cut your Heroin? Extremely selfish on my part! This I know. My cards are on the table… I’ve apologized over and over and again from the bottom of my heart. I’m so sorry. I don’t ask for forgiveness, I probably don’t deserve it. All I ask is that you keep my name out of your mouth! Do you realize that you may be walking into prison right around the time I’m walking out? I may be the only person in your life that truly understands what you’re going through, and what you may go through.

Hell Abby, this isn’t even how I wanted to say all this… but your family wouldn’t give you my mail even if I did send a letter, they’ve proved that. So since you made it apparent that social networking is how you’d like to throw shots, well this is my response.

Things went bad between us that I get! But at one time you were my Bonnie, I was your Clyde. We did every crime together, except the pharmacy robbery… It was us against the world! We were partners in crime and love! There was even a time when I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me… I asked you to be my wife… and you said yes. Things change O.K., but Abby I want you to go find sobriety, find happiness! I still wish nothing but the best for you and truly wish things were different, but they are not and I cannot change the past! Sometimes love just isn’t enough! I don’t want a damn thing from you… nothing. You’re going to do you no matter what and there’s not much I can do about it. You’re going to do what you wanna do and say what you wanna say. So do you! I’m just trying to move forward with my life.

I’ve said my peace in this letter… your business is yours, let mine be mine. I know this letter will probably piss you off, just like your comments hurt me! You know what? That’s OK because it’s great to feel pain and anger, let’s you know you’re alive! And I couldn’t be happier to know that tomorrow is going to come. I’m finally ready!

So since you like quoting rappers, let me quote 2-Pac… “Hell, I ain’t mad at ya… got nothing but love for ya!” Abby take inspiration from the music, use it to build you up... You really want to tear me down or anyone else for that matter?

Take care Abigail and stay positive, always remember… the good times! You won’t take me up on my offer but if you need anything and I mean anything... I’m here. You know where to find me. Be safe!

Best wishes,

Douglas

Checks and Balances

Written 4/13/12

So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well, they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:

“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no control over anybody but yourself.”

I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right! 100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want something else in this life. I’m done with it.

But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison, not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last sentence out of context.  I want to have a full life outside of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say, I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.

When I 1^st got locked up I told myself I was going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out. Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!

Always,

Douglas