My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

*A Message from Doug*

From Doug: Hi everyone! Thank you for all of the support I can not tell you enough how much it means to me. I am right now waiting to get into my program. I start May 30th. This program means a lot to me and I need to focus on me. So, I will be blogging still, but not as often as I will not have as much time as I have had recently. I am asking that if you want to reach out to me to please do it through my blog, on fb, or write a letter and save it (or send to Abby Abby Baumgart Hendrix to save for me). I can not wait to talk to you all and see you when I am done! Thank you. Always, Douglas

Showers and Random Thoughts

Written 5/1/12

Tonight was my last night of 3^rd shift sanitation work. I clean the showers at night. I’m trying to get back on a normal sleep schedule for boot camp.

My brother Mitch has been telling me for months now that I should tell this story… since it’s my last night working I will…

It was my first week on the job. On my unit there are two sets of showers, east side and north side. I live on the east side so I always clean ours first. I finished scrubbing the walls and floors, all I have left is mopping. So I grab the mop and head back to the shower. All of a sudden my feet come out from under me. I’m not talking about when you slip and catch yourself, this was the kind of slip when you are horizontal in the air and you can see your shoe laces. I come down… crash! Now I’m wet, I’m in pain, and most of all I’m pissed. I’m soaked head to toe and I know I have to still clean another shower. Plus I’m in pain. I just busted my ass in a serious way. Then it hits me! O-fuck… “Doug get up, who knows what you’re laying in!” AAAAAHHHHHH YUCK!!! Man, I still get the creeps. God only knows what I could have been laying in. Boy, was I then even more upset at myself. I get up and limp my ass out of the bathroom and the 2 guards are looking at me crazy! One smiles when he sees that I’m soaking wet and says “Rough day at work?” Haha fucking jerk… I had 3 or 4 four letter words that I would have loves to express to him but I bit my tongue and just nodded my head. Haha it’s funny looking back on it… actually… no, no it’s not! J

So the birds are out in full force, its spring so they are nesting. Now I’m not talking about pretty birds. I’m talking about garbage birds… Seagulls! If you have ever driven through Oshkosh on highway 41, then you have seen Oshkosh prison and right next to the prison is a landfill (garbage dump). Now the landfill is no big deal because its not in use anymore. They have covered it with dirt so it doesn’t smell or anything like that. But when it was open the seagulls took over and they are still here! Generations of birds and I’m not talking shit around here there’s thousands of these bastards! When a fox runs through the field and they all take off at once… well its almost intimidating… it’s like they block out the sun. And they are fearless! I wear sunglasses just so they don’t come at my eyes! Haha. Nah. I’m just playing about that but really its crazy how many of them there really is.

Don’t really know where I’m going with this blog… just kind of talking.

Next let’s talk crimes… if you remember I told you how I was locked up with every kind of criminal that you can think of. Let me tell you about a few on my unit that make me laugh. By far of the funniest have to be the dog fuckers… yes, that was fucker”s”… plural! Don’t know all the details… haha never asked. But I believe one sucked off a Doberman… ahahahahahahahaha! Aaaawwww that’s so funny! Forget the question on why you did it but my question is how did you get caught? Did the dog pull a Scooby-doo and say “rut-roe?!” J And they aren’t alone! Since being locked up I haven’t met another person who has robbed a pharmacy but love making with a pooch… 2 of them on my unit! Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone or hear a story and think “where are these people in the real world? Why don’t I see people like this on the streets?” Then you realize… o-yea they are in prison! Ha!

Yea I know this post wasn’t really about anything but haha made me smile! God, I can’t wait to get out of here! People are crazy… you really have no idea. They are nutz!

Peace out!

Douglas

Emotions

Written: 4/30/12

It’s really starting to hit me that I’ll be going home. I mean I’ve always had hope that I’d go home early. But I always told myself that programs are not for sure and you will then have to do your entire sentence. That would mean I go home Jan. 11^th 2015. Believe me I know I still have to complete this program but I know with every part of my being that I will not fail this program. So I’ll be home soon… really soon and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I’m having feelings that I haven’t felt in years. As crazy as it may sound… it’s the feelings of joy or even of love that is giving me the most trouble.

I’ve been able to deal with everything in here without batting an eye… all that time I was facing… no problem! Getting clean… hardest thing in my life but what made it easy was the fact that I wanted it. Even the tie I was sentenced to… day at a time, 1 day or 10 years, I’m going to do it and be better for it. But ow I have all these amazing people coming back into my life! I’m in contact with them through the mail and phone! I have this joy and excitement in my heart… it’s so overwhelming that it almost hurts. I can’t shake the feeling. Some of the letters I get… I read them 10 or 20 times.

I recently received a letter from someone who I was extremely close to. I haven’t been a part of this person’s life pin years… yet we picked up as if we hadn’t missed a day. When I heard her voice… it just made shit so real for me! Here we were making plans for when I got out, and it's not these hypothetical plans like it’s been over the last few years. I can finally put a date on these plans.

Holy shit! I am terrified! I don’t even know why or what about! Man, all I can do is smile and laugh; I shake my head and put on the radio.

Maybe I’m just realizing that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I just wasn’t feeding myself bullshit so I could make it through this place. Happily ever after might actually be a real thing!

Emotions1 Man they can be a bitch. All I can do is put it on paper… this is my outlet, my way of screaming.

I’m going to be a basket case when I get out. Haha. Again I’ll be fine… I’m just going to stick to the plan. Take it a day at a time and do me.

To everyone: Thanx for all the support and new emotion. Can’t wait to show you all how much it’s meant to me!

Always,

Douglas

Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas