Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas