Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas