Priceless

Written: 4/22/12

No price is too high to pay, for the privilege of owning one’s self…

Not only have I met friends in here but I’ve met people e who I consider brothers. They are made up of a group of men who have much different backgrounds than I, while others understand what it’s like to grow up in the suburbs. These guys don’t look at societal background, they don’t look at color. We have an understanding between us, we are all locked up doing time. I have a saying in here… Partners in crime, Brothers doing time. These gentlemen are my brothers… They whole heartedly understand what ts like behind these walls. They understand that I want to do good when I get out, many want the same thing. One such friend just left last week after being locked up for 10 years. His name is Torrey, but everyone including myself called him Cooper or Coop. Cooper didn’t want to go back to the streets, he wanted a better life for himself and his son.

Before Cooper got out, I told him I’d do everything in my power to help him adjut to “small town” living. The way I thought I could help him most would be trying to set him up with a job interview, not a job but an interview.

I talked to Cooper tonight for the first time since his feet hit the free world. I was super stoked to hear that the interview with my dad and him went well. I had already talked to my dad a few days prior and already knew about it but I wanted to hear his version! Coop went on to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated everything… I had to stop him short and thank him myself. At first I think he was confused by this but I went on to explain. I put myself out there with asking my dad to do this favor for me. See my dad and I have most definitely had ups and downs in our relationship. But for the first time in a long time I feel like he’s proud of me. My dad really showed me that by giving one of my brothers in here a chance. Not a guarantee, but a chance. He showed that he was ready to put some trust in me. I saw something in Cooper that you don’t see in just anyone in prison, I saw a drive, he knew that it was going to be tough when he got out. He wasn’t afraid, nervous of the unknown… maybe, but never afraid. He just needed a chance. Cooper I have given you nothing but my friendship. You will earn everything else. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy, but I think you already know that. I wish you nothing but the best my guy… I look forward to continuing our friendship in the world.

Tonight was very rewarding to me! The past with my dad has been really hard, our relationship was not healthy. I made mistakes ad so did he. Neither of us handled things well. It was late Jan. 2011, I was in Dodge awaiting sentencing in my new case. It was around 7 ppm and they were coming around with mail, they passed my cell and slipped a piece of mail through the door. Excited I grabbed the envelope and turned it over. There was an embossed envelope with the La-z-boy emblem on it… At once I felt sick. It was my 1^st contact with my dad since I caught my case and here he was reaching out to me. See when I got locked up I really thought “well, this is it, any progress that I’ve made lately is gone.” I knew in my heart that he was going to finally wash his hands of me… his fuck up of a son. So I opened the letter and after that 1^st line all my worries disappeared. In my hand was a letter from the man who raised me. I’ll always remember that 1^st line. “Douglas, this letter is long overdue. I want you to know how much I love you and want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t do something sooner.”

Tonight was a reminder of everything that I’ve gained since being locked up. A reminder of the most important thing in my life… my family. One family, One love.

The relationship I have with my family is absolutely amazing. That relationship really starts with my mother. The things that both her and I have been through could only be described as nothing else but special. My mom and I are extremely close, almost too close! Haha. Boy I wish I had some secrets from her. I’m a momma’s boy 100%. I will forever be her little boy! And I’m OK with that. She has always given me my strength and confidence, has always had my back, even when I was wrong. Don’t get it twisted she could be tough too! All she has to do is look at me wrong and I’ll put my hands up in surrender. Some people in my past have used the words weird or even sick to describe her and my relationship. Thinking back to those comments well I can only laugh. My mom is great in every way… I couldn’t be more proud to call her mom. Has she been one of my enablers? Yea, probably, but you got to understand… I was one hell of a manipulator! I know when I bled, she hurt… When I smiled, she felt joy and so on. I can’t fully describe our mother/son relationship but after everything is said and done, well, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

I may be back but with everything I’m going to achieve, none of it would be worth it without my family by my side. We all lost sight of that at one point in time. But let’s forget the past, we were all wrong at one point and time. And we most certainly handled it wrong. Even after everything we still stand as a family. Let’s never forget that!

Love you all so much!

Always remember… one family, one love!

Always,

Mom- Your baby boy

Dad- Your golden boy

Douglas

Raven

Written: 4/21/12

I watched a special on ABC tonight… it was on the street in LA called Sunset Blvd. It was a collection of 5 or 6 mini stories. For the people that don’t know Sunset Blvd. is a stretch of road that runs through Hollywood. Sex, drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll. The story that stuck with me was the one about a 15 year old girl named Alyssa Gomez, AKA. Raven. She was a little kid that had these black eyes… her eyes looked like she was 100. This kid was 15 years old, addicted to meth, selling her body, and living on the streets. I cannot even begin to imagine what this child went through in her short 15 years… I wish I could tell you that her story at least ended happily ever after, it didn’t. Raven was strangled to death and had her body dumped just behind Sunset Blvd. She had a boyfriend who was also addicted and was living on the streets. He managed to get cleaned up and leave the streets. Raven couldn’t/wouldn’t go get help. Once Jimmy (her bf) got his shit together he went back to her and tried to save her. She felt that she would just screw up his life, so again she refused the help… She was killed in cold blood because she truly thought she wasn’t good enough for happiness. That she wasn’t worth it.

I sat and watched this program, for 2 fucking hours, I kept cursing myself for turning on the damn TV but I couldn’t turn it off. I just sat there getting more and more upset. I was upset at everything I was pissed at the drugs. I was pissed at society, at her family, hell I was pissed at her… this baby girl who called herself Raven. The reason why I was so damn mad is because I understand… and with that understanding comes the truth.  They have to want it and I mean want it. For addicts, at least for me, what I want always  comes before what I need. I know getting sober is hard and you cannot  do it alone, but it has to come from within. It starts with the addict… after you can admit that you have a problem, tht you are powerless over drugs and that your life has become unmanageable. Then you can start accepting the help around you, and you can’t do it alone, at least I couldn’t. But that want to change has to come from within!

I myself believe in fate… I don’t believe that we are just living a prep-destined story but that we are given choices… a left turn or a right turn, if you will. What I’m getting at is, I believe I was put through these things that I’ve gone through because I was strong enough to handle them! Have I had moments of weakness? O-Yes! That’s why I know I could never achieve sobriety on my own. I was through all of this so that one day I could help others like myself. I am not trying to save anyone! I don’t have that power; I just want to show people that you don’t have to be a victim. Today as I stand and have the sun shine on my face, I can say “Douglas is no victim, today Douglas is a survivor!” ENDLESS mistakes, zero regrets! I now play the game we call life with my cards face up on the table… no secrets, no lies, no regrets! And guess what?! I’m still winning!

This post is for that girl Raven or anyone else that ever felt like they weren’t worth it.

With that I leave you with this…

At night I like to sit and write, hoping whomever reads it may gain some insight about my life and what it’s like. Pull something positive off these pages as I fight, hoping it reaches the masses, inspires and saves a life. They say you learn from your mistakes, but let my mistakes be your mistakes and learn from me. Sorta like reach one teach one. Why do we all have to fall to learn one lesson? Because like me most are stubborn and hard headed. There was a time when I strived to be the best that ever did it, just like then I still strive only now it’s for the better! For those who support me, I want to thank you, I need you to compete this recovery!

We are all worth it and deserve it!

Know that you’re all loved!

Always,

Douglas

I'm On the Front Line

Written 4/20/12

I’m on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

SO long to the regret

And now I know that I’m Alive

Im on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

So long to the regret

So now I see the world through diamond eyes!

-And again just some great lyrics…

Over and over I’m asked the same thing… what’s it like in there? Prison is a world of its own. Right now prison is my life that’s the reason why so many of my blogs have to do with prison or the reason why I ended up here… For me its hard to write or even think about the real world. I know the real world exists but to me it does not. Hell I don’t even dream about the real world. I dream about people from it but all my dreams are in here or in the yard! Fucked Up! These blogs and your responses are about as close to the real world as I get. Where I’m living it’s not the real world, you pay rent in the real world. Haha. It’s crazy because within these walls is a fully functioning “mini city.” It has everything from schools, library, hospital, police, fire station, laundry, restaurant, main kitchen, sanitation crew, maintenance, and politics. And every type of religion and church. Plus all the support groups that you can imagine. But in this city you have rules that the DOC (Department of Corrections) govern and then the rules of the convicts. You could even go as far as saying there is another set of rules that has to be followed because of all the different gangs. The thing is you have to play by all the rules because the penalties can be equally as dangerous just in different ways and on different levels. What I mean by that is.. you follow the un-said rules of the convicts/gangs because the guards cannot protect you… even if they wanted to, and trust me they don’t. Then of course you have the DOC rules, the hard part with them is they can change from guard to guard. Now for the inmate that has nothing to lose those rules don’t matter as much, but on the flip side of the coin it’s the inmates that “have nothing to lose” those are the ones who strictly enforce the convict code… It’s nothing to an inmate who still has 20 years to do to beat the hell out of you for a simple disrespect. Respect is EVERYTHING! Man, I cannot stress that enough. People do not play in here. A simple slip of the tongue can earn you an ass whooping. There are a few words you can never call someone in here unless you’re ready to fight and if you’re called that name and don’t do something about it… well that’s exactly what you’re looked at as in here! The 4 big ones are bitch, punk, pussy, or fag. Those are automatic fighting words.

Now for someone like me… I’m trying to go home early, to go home early I have to get into my programs but if you have a minor ticket, let alone a major, well that shit can derail you. And if you go to the hole… well you can just go ahead and push your program date 6 months to a year back. So I walk a thin line I don’t look for drama and I’m truly trying to mind my P’s and Q’s around the guards. Plain and simple I’m trying to go home. Just trying to do my time and go home. I pray that none of my loved ones or friends ever have to fully understand “this life.” Because it’s no way to live, right now I just exist like I’ve said in other posts… I’ve never feared for my safety. It’s way more of a mental struggle. Some can handle it. Some can’t, just like in real life.. It comes down to choices…

Before I forget, everyone wants to know how the food is… I’ve had better! J Haha its prison so no it’s not great but I’ve also had worse like Brown County Jail by far the worst time I’ve done was my time at Brown Co. Jail… aaaahhhh horrible in every way.

I tell you what though, if you can’t take something away from this than you’re not trying. I deserve to be here. On those fateful days I broke the law and put the fear of God into some innocent people. I was not nice and did scare the hell out of those pharmacists! I will forever have guilt in my heart for scaring those poor people. This is what it took for me to see how far I had fallen. I’m living and seeing days that I never thought I’d see! Above all, I keep on smiling because life always offers you a second chance… it’s called tomorrow. (Thanx Jenni J)

Just another day, as always I remain myself and take it a day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

Impecable Timing Tom

Written: 4/17/12

I am reminded daily on the meaning of friendship ad hope. How amazing it is to have friends. Tom Campbell sent me a letter today and after the day I had yesterday… well his letter really helped me. I didn’t even realize how deep his words were until about an hour ago when I was working. Now by this time I have already written Tom back and put the letter in the mail.

The reason why… it hit me in the heart is because Tom was a great friend of mine. I even lived with him and his family my senior year. Tom was also one of the 1^st people that I pushed away. See Tom has this way of seeing bullshit and even worse he’ll call you out on it! If anyone has ever had an argument with Tom, you know it’s like banging your head against a wall. J When I was getting high… arguing with anyone was out of the question, because it would ruin my high. I sure thought Tom would be that buzz kill… So I pushed him out of my life. When he first sent me a message on Facebook, I was shocked. I wrote to him and today I got his response. Like I said after a day like yesterday, he really put all of that into perspective and he didn’t even know it. He wrote this line saying “Anyone with an ounce of character will see through the past transgressions and be willing to build a future alongside you. If some people are holding onto grudges year after year, that’s their business. I wish them luck, that’s a lot of baggage to carry around. The people who care about you were the people that knew and loved you prior to rough times. You know who those people are… we both do!” Man, did those words hit me in the heart. Just what I needed to hear. Thanx brother.

Its comments and support like that that I finally understand where and who I should turn to in times of need. I know that I will have ups and downs. I just feel better having people in my life that have my back no matter what!

I will cut this short. I just wanted to post this to show that even the cloudy days have a bright spot to them. It’s those little things.

Always,

Douglas

My Response

Written: 4/16/12

Man, what a day! Prison can be a powerless place to be. Today was a day when I had many emotions, many of them I felt two or three times just at different point of the day. I had to wrestle with myself over and over on whether or not I wanted to write this blog. Everyone that I talked to just told me “to leave it alone” or “she’s just looking for a reaction!” Well, Abigail if that’s true… if you wanted a reaction out of me, or I should say if you wanted to hurt me, let me be the 1^st to say congrats! That shit you posted about me on your Facebook crushed me!

Your 1^st quote from T-Pain, you called me a punk bitch who’s getting fucked in prison… HaHa that shit I can live with. Well even laugh at! I mean come on I have teenage brothers that come up with more clever shit than that! But you saying “Hey P. Farbs good luck on yo 12 years stayed imposed sentence.” Not going to lie, that shit cut deep. You’re really going to wish bad on me like that? You’re going to hope for me to do another 12 years on top of the 3 I’m already going to have done? That’s fucked up! And it’s even more fucked up because you yourself just caught a dope case; you’re going to wish more prison time on me, when you just caught a class D felony plus two more lower felonies? That class D felony is a 25 year max, sweetheart, that’s no slap on the wrist!

Abs I haven’t even spoken to you since August. I’ve stayed out of your life, wished you nothing but happiness and then you put your Facebook back up and take shots at me like that. I really don’t understand. Did I really hurt you that bad? I’m the 1^st to admit I was a shit boyfriend; I made more mistakes than I can count and told more lies than I care to admit. What makes you the maddest? Or was it that I used to cut your Heroin? Extremely selfish on my part! This I know. My cards are on the table… I’ve apologized over and over and again from the bottom of my heart. I’m so sorry. I don’t ask for forgiveness, I probably don’t deserve it. All I ask is that you keep my name out of your mouth! Do you realize that you may be walking into prison right around the time I’m walking out? I may be the only person in your life that truly understands what you’re going through, and what you may go through.

Hell Abby, this isn’t even how I wanted to say all this… but your family wouldn’t give you my mail even if I did send a letter, they’ve proved that. So since you made it apparent that social networking is how you’d like to throw shots, well this is my response.

Things went bad between us that I get! But at one time you were my Bonnie, I was your Clyde. We did every crime together, except the pharmacy robbery… It was us against the world! We were partners in crime and love! There was even a time when I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me… I asked you to be my wife… and you said yes. Things change O.K., but Abby I want you to go find sobriety, find happiness! I still wish nothing but the best for you and truly wish things were different, but they are not and I cannot change the past! Sometimes love just isn’t enough! I don’t want a damn thing from you… nothing. You’re going to do you no matter what and there’s not much I can do about it. You’re going to do what you wanna do and say what you wanna say. So do you! I’m just trying to move forward with my life.

I’ve said my peace in this letter… your business is yours, let mine be mine. I know this letter will probably piss you off, just like your comments hurt me! You know what? That’s OK because it’s great to feel pain and anger, let’s you know you’re alive! And I couldn’t be happier to know that tomorrow is going to come. I’m finally ready!

So since you like quoting rappers, let me quote 2-Pac… “Hell, I ain’t mad at ya… got nothing but love for ya!” Abby take inspiration from the music, use it to build you up... You really want to tear me down or anyone else for that matter?

Take care Abigail and stay positive, always remember… the good times! You won’t take me up on my offer but if you need anything and I mean anything... I’m here. You know where to find me. Be safe!

Best wishes,

Douglas

Checks and Balances

Written 4/13/12

So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well, they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:

“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no control over anybody but yourself.”

I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right! 100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want something else in this life. I’m done with it.

But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison, not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last sentence out of context.  I want to have a full life outside of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say, I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.

When I 1^st got locked up I told myself I was going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out. Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

'Cuz Someone's Looking Out For Me

Written 4/12/12

Many of yous (Note: yes he actually write yous) have either heard me talk of my cousin Abby or had the pleasure to talk to her yourself on my Facebook. I call Abby my cousin but truth be aren’t’ blood at all… see her grandmother married my grandfather before each of us were born. Don’t get me wrong we were raised as cousins for the start of our childhood, but when our Grandpa Louis passed away… well both sides of our families split. I remember seeing my Grandpa right before he passed, he told me “Douglas, always call an ace an ace and a spade a spade.” It took me many years to understand that saying. His final wish was for his two Grandchildren who were mere months apart in age to stay close. Abby and I were the only two to keep in touch over the years. I may call Abby my cousin but in all reality… Abby is my best friend. And I couldn’t have a better one than I do in her. Like everyone else in my life, when I started using drugs, I started pushing people away! Abby was no different… I lost touch with her. I was 20 years old the last time I saw her. When I was arrested she was the 1^st person to write me. She told me how she has been searching for me for years, but she could never reach me, until her mom sent her my article of my arrest in the newspaper. During those 13 days that I was waiting on the police to come get me I set up pa Facebook page… I really don’t know why I set it up but I did. I remember the second letter that Abby wrote to me saying she just found my Facebook pare and that I had spelled my last name wrong! pI had no idea and frankly didn’t believe her… but I did, I spelled it Dabry, instead of Darby. You know you’re fucked up when you spell your own last name wrong! Man, how embarrassing! Abby has been with me from the start. She’s never judged me, has she sugar coated anything? Hell No! She’s a fighter and doesn’t let me sell myself short, If I’m on bullshit she’s the 1^st to tell me! She tells me like it is, like in her last letter she put it bluntly… saying “stay strong, miss you much! Don’t Fuck Up! Love, Abby” Ha Ha. When I first got locked up I was getting in a lot of trouble and I was fighting in Dodge. Her acting like my big sister, she put me in my place. She knew if I continued to cause trouble or if I got caught fighting, that I would trick off my program and up doing my whole 4 years. I’m proud to say since getting to prison I haven’t caught a single ticket and have really prioritized my life! She had faith in me even when I didn’t. She does so much for me! Not only is she my rock but also my therapist (which she has a degree in), my Facebook and blog manager, and she relays all my messages. But to me, she’s my best friend! She is the very definition of loyalty, honesty, and being open minded!

Thank you Abby!

Always Remember... One Family, One Love!

So with all that positive support and a few kicks in the ass, it seems to have paid off! Once again it looks like both my mom and Abby were right again! I went and had my physical for boot camp!  Sooooo I’m 99% sure that I’ll be going in the next month or two, which means… I’ll be home in 8 months, 10 at the most. Let me be the 1^st to say “Hell Fucking Yea! Look out Douglas is coming home!” To say the least, I’m pumped! Boot camp is gonna be a bitch but shit I’d crawl through hot coals. I’m rounding 3^rd, headed for home. The final stretch is on! Can’t wait.

I’ll find out next week for sure. All signs point that way though. See you all soon!

The real test will then begin. A test I’m ready to take.

“I came out at the darkness… I got one more shot at living… I got a little roughed up, Yea… I really got fucked up! I can see the light ‘cuz someone’s looking out for me!”

Gotta love them lyrics. Inspiration is everywhere; you just gotta take the time to see it! Like I said I now find it in the little things. Fuck the world! Turn the negative into positive! Me, I’m a glass is always half full, some people can’t see it that way, to them its always going to be half empty. And that’s OK. But just know you can always get a refill!

Like the great mind of Milton who wrote in Paradise Lost: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven!” or even Shakespeare, who observed “There is nothing either good or bad except that thinking makes it so.”

Even the most ugly things can hold beauty... just open your eyes and look, it’s there.

So until next time I’m gonna keep my eyes open so I don’t miss a thing/ Im ready to see some real beauty, I can only pick out so much from razor wire. Soon enough, soon enough.

Peace out!

Douglas

High and Good-bye

Written 4/9/12

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about getting high. I am always waiting for that next high. I just pray it never comes!  Don’t get it twisted; I’m not going to go out and fuck off my sobriety! I’m too proud and focused for that. I’m just being honest here. This addiction thing is a bitch, even after being sober for 20 months and sitting my ass in prison, it still calls to me. It’s messed up because in AODA they call story telling (about high times or drug stories) glorifying. But every story I have in the past decade starts out… I was on this or I was so fucked up. I did everything high and I mean everything. I remember I was once on a 4 day acid/coke binge. So my guy P and I finally decide it’s time to get some sleep. I go lay in my bed and he crashes on the couch, it’s like 8 am. After lying down for about 10 minutes, I sit straight up in bed; I remembered I had something extremely important to do in 4 hours. I knew if I went to bed I was gonna crash for at least 24 hours. So I stager into the living room and say “Bro, I can’t go to bed I have to be at a funeral at noon!” So like any responsible adult, I dropped more acid and went to the funeral. And I didn’t even think twice about it. I truly believed I could do anything high, I believed it ‘cuz I did everything high. So you begin to think the addiction or drug use isn’t a problem. You just don’t see that it’s no way to live, that’s not living… that’s just existing. It’s madness. But that’s the problem with reminiscing. Every past memory has in one way or another to with drugs. So how do I get around it? How do I talk about the past without glorifying? I don’t tell these stories with the intent of bragging, like the acid story, that’s nothing to be proud of and I’m not but it happened and at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong with my behavior. It was just another day.

I am pretty stoked to finally get some sober memories. Even the visits I get here are wonderful. Katie VanDenPlas came and saw me a few weeks ago! We had a great 3 hours. To say the least she was super nervous and that’s to be expected. She didn’t know what to think. When I walked in, I walked right by her because she had her back to me. I hadn’t seen Katie in 5 years. She looked amazing, same pretty face as always with the personality to match! I don’t think I told her this but Katie, I was just as nervous! I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if you would be angry with me… Again, this whole forgiveness thing is hard for me! How can you forgive me, when I can’t forgive myself! But there was none of that. Only love and warmth came from you. For 3 hours I wasn’t in prison, I was with my friend, and it felt good. Thank you for giving me that Katie. HaHa funny story from the visit. So she and I are talking and all of a sudden her eyes get real big and she goes silent. She leans over and whispers… “Doug, that Mexican guy just looked at you!” and I go “WHO!” just then I look to my left and there’s my guy Marky Mark! Haha he was playing around and of course we start giving each other shit! But yes at 1^st appearance Marky can give off a different impression. I look back at Katie and she looks like a deer in the headlights. I swear she thought I was going to get stabbed or beat up right there in visiting! Haha Katie the look on your face was priceless! Man that shit made me laugh. Katie you haven’t changed a bit! That couldn’t make me happier!

I do know that I’m making great progress though. I’m in prison and I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I wake up and know that a needle doesn’t run me! This prison ain’t shit compared to the one I was in on the streets. I was told yesterday that my blog had hit the 1,000 views mark. That’s crazy to me! I remember when my cousin told me that I should start one, I did think it was a great idea, a way for me to one day look back on all this and remember what I went through! Never in my life did I think people would follow it. I hold nothing back in these posts. That’s why they are so rewarding! This shit comes from the heart; it’s generally done at my loneliest moments in here… late at night! Like, now its 2:58 am. Just me, my thoughts, and some music. During the day, I stay busy, I can go outside, go to the gym, library, or chill in the dayroom. But at night when I’m forced to stay in my 8’ by 10’ cell, well that’s when shit hits deep. These posts have allowed me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. It helps me process the day. By far the most positive thing I’ve done. I hope you can get a fraction of what I get out of all this. I know it’s just words but to me it’s everything. Thank you, everyone… for all the support!

Lyrics that give me hope. Unfortunately I can’t remember the name of the song.

-“I did my time in a windowless box… All I got left is today… Tomorrow ain’t here… And yesterday is dead and gone!”

Deuces,

Douglas

The Game

4/4/12

I want to start by thanking so many of you. Your support has been amazing! I have fallen behind in my letter response the last week. Obviously time is not the problem. J I just have to step my stamp game up. I have to order them from a prison catalog and it takes a bit to receive the order. So please don’t think that I’m not going to write you back… I am! I just wanted to let everyone know.

They call it the “game…” drugs, drug dealing, crime in general. I saw so many kids playing with fire while I was involved with it. See you don’t do things I do without knowing that prison is right around the corner. For me I knew that prison was in my future. It wasn’t a matter of if but when. So many people don’t understand that it’s a double edge sword. Yes, there’s the high, the money, and of course the power! For me he power was the best! To have something that someone wants or needs for that matter is very powerful! Driving for hours with a car load full of drugs… then making it home and shutting the garage door… you think “I made it! I fucking made it!” I had to take pride in my drug use and dealing. I wanted to be the best… I strived for it. I wanted to do the most, have the best quality, and have the top connections. This may sound insane but it’s the truth, shit, ask anyone who partied with me. Who says you have to be a rock star to party like one. The point I’m trying to make is there is a whole different side to things. The other edge of the sword. Of course there’s prison. But I’ve been robbed at gun point… put to my knees, guns to my head. I’ve been screwed out of 10’s of thousands of dollars… and then I still had to pay my debts. The problem with having top connections… well they don’t play about money… They’d give me whatever I wanted and sometimes more. Even on the flip if I needed it out on pay day, you better come right. Most were people I considered friends but in this game business is business.

I’m not saying this because I want to preach. I’m just saying it the way it happened to me. No one was ever going to tell me different, I was going to do me… no matter what. I’m just trying to shed some light on what really happens in the game. You can’t beat the game… I tried and I made it a long time, 10+ years, but in the end it’s all the same for everyone… jails, institutions, or death. They say crime doesn’t pay… bullshit! It pays and it pays really well. It may be a hippie white kid from the suburbs but I’ve played the game with the best of them. I’ve put in my work. But in the end I was no exception to the rule… I still lost. They say ball till you fall! Well, I fell! HARD! But watch what I do this next round! J

I strive for a new high now. Hahah hell… if I put a fraction of effort into my recovery that I did into getting high… well then D. Darbs AKA me, has got this. I know what I need to do. I don’t try to act like I got this addiction licked. I don’t. I never will. I will forever be an addict. In Narcotics Anonymous we talk about how drugs are cunning, baffling, and powerful, but I also believe that they are patient. Not only do they wait for you in a moment of weakness but also when you are at the top of your game. If you don’t believe me, well look at my own father… he had the world by the balls. Sober 10 years, had his son in his life, had a new family and woman that truly loved him, plus he was at the top of his game when it came to his career. The story with my father… he also was an addict… addicted to it all, just like me.  It didn’t matter the substance. Coke, weed, alcohol, or Heroin… Did it all, loved it all. My mom has always loved my father, it was him that told her to take me and leave. He told her “Tami I’m not strong enough to get clean… if you stay I will destroy this family. Take Douglas and go!” And she did. I was 2 years old. When I was 4, my father finally sobered up. After that I began to spend my summers with him out in Washington. Some of the best days of my life. Any way things were great. Then in the summer of my 13^th birthday I went out there and I saw him drinking. I still had a good summer but things were different. I remember boarding the plane to go back to WI. My dad always wore sunglasses when I was leaving because he would be crying and he didn’t want me to see his tears. Well I asked him to take off his glasses… He did and I told him… “Dad, you lost mom! Don’t lose me too!” That was the last time I ever saw my dad alive. I remember the tears in his eyes… I never saw him cry before. Two years later I was sitting in Los Banditos having lunch with my mom and dad, Bruce. When we left my mom had a voicemail from her work saying to call my Grandmother in Washington. Looking back on it now, she knew right away. I remember every aspect of that day. On the way to my dad’s business, he kept trying to lighten the mood. Finally, my mom leaned over and whispered in his ear. Before that moment I didn’t think it was my dad… anyone but my father. She whispered… “It’s Danny!!” I went numb after that. We got to the furniture store and I sat in my dad’s office while my mom pot on the phone and called Washington. Two minutes into the call… she started balling and looked at me… she couldn’t even say the words… finally she got it out. “Baby, it’s your dad… he’s gone…” Everything after that is just a blur.  I was 15… it was the worst day of my life. He left me a suicide note, the context of the letter is just for me though but he made no excuse… He was just tired of falling… He knew what to do to get up. But just like everyone else… He wasn’t an exception to the rule… The game took a good man that day! The day was Aug. 26, 2000; on Aug. 26, 2010 I fell…

I love you Dad, Don’t worry!

I GOT UP!

Till next time,

Douglas

These scars

I have these scars on my arms… Right where my arms bend of course, they are from shooting up Dope for so long. They aren’t overly noticeable but yea, you can definitely pick them out. I have mixed feelings about them. On one hand they embarrass me. Being a junkie is not something I wanted but then again they are a part of me. I’m not ashamed of them and if people ask me what happened… I’m honest. They serve as my daily reminders, never again, never forget!

I just got some recent pics taken in here. I really never wanted pictures of me in here, but my family has a way of giving me “gentle pushes” towards doing something. When I sent some to my cousin I told her to update my Facebook with them. I figured it was time to get me with something besides dreads on there. I remember avoiding the camera the last couple years… Shit, I avoided mirrors too… From my poem/rap: “In the mirror my reflection was a stranger to me/When she was with me, that was me, that’s even stranger to me” I remember seeing myself in the mirror, ooohhh, my arms were so bad… black and blue tracks, from my shoulders down to my wrists. Putting cover up on my neck to hide the needle marks from there too… it was a painful sight. Before getting locked up I didn’t wear a short sleeve shirt for like 3 years. So you avoid things like cameras and mirrors. I’ve always loved getting my picture taken; yes I’m vain like that. But I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw, so I stopped looking. No I don’t like where I am but at least I know who I am again and I’ll take that any day. I like who I see again.

My scars are my war wounds, I will not hide them. They are a part of me and represent everything I stand for… my scars like my addiction will never go away but they do not define me. I understand I suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

I had a “bad” night last night. And that’s OK; they happen. The difference is I dealt with it in a healthy way. I knew tomorrow would come and I’d be alright. Then sure as shit when I got up this morning I had mail waiting for me from Justine Hornick. From the very start she put a smile on my face, see she made me look like a fool and I knew it. I have to remind myself where I’m at! This is a bad place where bad people go. She reminded me that there is more good than evil out there! That’s why I’m really trying to keep those positive forces in my life! I don’t need the negative people as the Five Finger Death Punch song “Remember Everything” goes… If we could change the past, would that change the end/You’d say that I’ll never change/But what the fuck do you know!?! I know people doubt me… That’s cool; I’ll kill them with success! J You don’t gotta believe my words, I probably wouldn’t either… I’m not asking for you to believe me, just give me a chance to show you, that’s all I really ask. Hell, I really think there may be people who don’t want to see “this Douglas” and that’s OK too. I hated who I had become, I was everything that I never wanted to be; still not the man I want to be but I feel closer and closer every day, that’s all I can ask for… I’m happy!

Peace, Douglas

P.S. 4/3/12: Great quote that Anna Marks sent me...fits this post perfect and I had this wrote days before I got her letter... Crazy.

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you!"

Thanks Anna! Love it!

A Moment of Sadness

It’s 2:26 am; I do most of my writing late at night… I had no plans to write tonight. But tonight, well very simply I’m sad tonight.  I really can’t put a finger on why, today was a normal day. But for the last hour I’ve just sat here looking out my window, listening to music and am deep in thought. Hell, I don’t even know where I’m going with this… I’m just sick of being here, plain and simple I’m sick of the people I’m around. Don’t’ get it twisted I have people here that I call my friends, my cellie’s name is James but everyone calls him BG. He keeps me sane around here. He’s 29 years old He’s a champ at doing time! He has been down 11 years and has 18 more to go; yes he is down for murder. He was put in a position and it was either him or the other guy. Kill or be killed… he picked living, even if living meant a 30 year prison sentence. See I’m not sick of this like that I’m living because of the time I have left, I’m going to be home soon enough. It’s the mother fuckers I have to deal with daily, the people I have to live with. The decent people in here are far and few between. What I’m getting at are all the child molesters that I have to look at daily, the horrible details of their crimes that get talked about around here. You can’t not listen because in here you have to know who they are. If I told you the details of some of these monster’s crimes… man, you’d want to cry and puke all at the same time. Not to mention I’m at a prison that has SOT (Sex Offender Treatment) so they are everywhere! You know I can justify any crime, really I can! Even murder, there is a gray area for every crime except sexual assault and crimes against children. Many of you know my past when it comes to sexual abuse… I’s just hard and painful, to know how man monsters are out there. Thank God I have people in here like BG to have my back and can share a word of wisdom on days when I feel like my head is going to explode. I read a lot in here… I just finished the book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Great book. Don’t’ get me wrong… I loved it, shit I finished it in days. Tonight I started the sequel. As I was staring out the window, I felt tears going down my face… I’m just so sick of all the violence. It seems like it’s everywhere. Not only do I live it daily, but I then have it in my entertainment. I can’t watch Green Bay news because I am scared to death to hear something bad has happened to a loved one. And I’ll be helpless. Helpless is a bad feeling. I’m not trying to sound like a bitch that’s not my intention… life is great. I do know everything is going to be just fine, I just wish I could do more. I guess I’m just starting to truly feel again. Maybe I don’t know how to process things the “right” way. I’m trying though. Good, bad, or scary it’s just nice to feel. I feel no shame in crying, I’ve always been a sensitive kid and here in the dark it’s almost OK to cry. Almost. J

I don’t fear failure, I know I won’t. You can’t shit on my confidence, there’s not one thing I doubt about myself. I know who I am! Far from perfect but hell I wouldn’t want to be. I just want to keep my life simple and find real happiness, not that fake happiness that starts with a needle or a line but real happiness that starts with the little things, the simple things. Again life is simple; it’s us who make things difficult.

I guess I had to just get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Whatever it may be… I feel better. So I guess that’s a plus.

Till Next Time

Douglas

Comedy Relief and Support

I received a letter today from my cuz-Abby. She informed me about my blog letting me know how many views and some of the comments… Kristen… Thank you so much for your kind words. By the way your opinion will always matter to me! Always! So much of what you said hit home, you really hit the nail on the head. The writing that I’ve started has been my tears in here! See you can’t cry in prison… you just don’t do it. It’s not even a weakness thing… its disrespect to the other inmates! Someone always has more time or something worse going on. So you keep it pent up. These blogs have allowed me to let go and “scream” as you said Kristen.



Did I have bad influences in my life? Yes, I did but my addiction is on me. Have I gone through some shitty things in my life? Yep, but who hasn’t?! The 100% truth about my addiction is I did drugs because I liked getting high… I loved it! I don’t do much that I don’t like. You know why I don’t play in the road? Because I don’t enjoy being hit by cars! But somewhere along the line I stopped having fun, but by then it was too late. That’s where the insanity comes in. I knew there was a problem... Hell, you don’t rob a pharmacy, then go home and watch yourself on the news for 5 days and then march into another one! Believe me I knew I was powerless over my addiction… I was an addict not a fucking idiot.



The post last night (the previous post)… well I was angry. I almost got up this morning and tore it up. But like anything I don’t regret it! I was pissed last night and that’s OK.



Kristen, you really made my day today! Thanx, you’ve always been a good friend. Forgiveness is CRAZY! For so long I couldn’t forgive myself, I used to say how can God forgive me when I can’t forgive myself.  What a powerful thing forgiveness is. Haha makes me want to cry. J I look forward to making new memories with you too… can’t wait. Again, thank you!



Aaaaaaaah… The place I live! HaHaHa. Time for a funny story! Every day I look around and laugh at the people here, I think to myself where are these people on the streets, why don’t I ever see people like this out there? And then it hits me… they’re in prison that’s why I don’t see them! Ha. Anyway, last November a guy came onto our block, he was 50 something years old. The reason for him coming to our unit was because he just got out of the hospital. Story goes… He took a granny smith apple and put it in a certain orifice of his body… I’ll give you a hint; his nickname quickly became Apple bottom. Haha… call me mean but that’s funny. No bullshit… he put an apple up there and it got stuck! He had to go to the ER and have surgery! So don’t worry society your tax dollars are hard at work, removing fruit from people’s asses! Ahahahaha, too funny. Man, this guy would get treated daily; one of my guys even tied a string to an apple and to his door knob. I work 3^rd shift, sanitizing the showers (yes, I know hell of a job) but I’m up late and the guards used to wait until like 2 am to have him come and get his meds and creams for his war wounds. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. This place is crazy!



I was also able to see what my mom posted. Thank you mom, your words were very kind. I know she says I’ll be out in 6-8 months and I may be, but I think it will be more like 10-18 months. Hope for the best and expect the worst. I’m just doing my time and trying my best to get into my programs. When it comes down to it… it’s up to the system. So for now I live day by day and continue to better myself by getting my head ready for the streets… just trying to get to the top so I can finally scream FUCK THE WORLD. On drugs or sober I still love that saying. But that’s just me.



I talked to my mom tonight; she said she just got done reading my post to my bro Mitch and my sis Alyssa. Of course the only thing Alyssa had to say was… he only mentioned me once! J Haha so Alyssa this next part is just for you… let me tell everyone about how lucky I am to have a sister that supports me 100%! This little girl is 12 years old and I really believe she has her head on better than anyone in my family, not to mention she is damn loyal. I mean what 12 year old really wants to come and sit for 3 hours a week in a prison visiting room? My sister does, whether she really wants to or not is probably a different question but she has never missed a visit. That’s probably what makes her my favorite! J Haha. Alyssa you be my star in the sky. You have such better things to do… friends, parties, sleepovers and man… even boys… wow does that pain me and scare me to say all at the same time. I’ll be home soon enough to fight all the little boys off… God knows I can’t leave Andrew and Mitch up to it! Andrew can’t put the video game controller down long enough to know what month it is. I swear he only knows what years it is by the most recent Madden Football game that’s out. And Mitch can’t stay out of the hospital longer than a week. Seriously, Mitch has broken both of his wrists and now his leg, plus has a torn ACL. All in 8 months. I really think Mitch is starting to so it on purpose… See every time Mitch comes with a cast on or in a wheelchair… well I get strip searched when I leave the visit. Of course he thinks that’s the funniest thing in the world! Anyways Alyssa thank you for all you do for me, who would have thought that my lil sis could give me such strength? Just remember that I’m just fine and you can be that kid that you deserve to be, enjoy your childhood. You are an amazing kid and you be my sister. Always remember… one family. One love. Love you sis!



Till next time



Douglas

Loyalty

Loyalty... that's a word that means everything to me. Not in just one way either. But in so many different ways, from friends and family that are there for you no matter what, but also as a responsibility for keeping your mouth shut! See being in prison has really opened my eyes to how chicken shit some people really are. I just can’t understand it. Back in ’07 I was a victim of being told on, the person who told, well I can’t put him out there like that but you sure as fuck know who you are! (See I can’t even snitch on the snitches, I’ll never sink to your level, you fucking rat). He told on me because he couldn’t admit to his family that he had a heroin problem… so rather than just manning up he thought it would be better to sell his soul to the cops, this fucking kid wasn’t even in trouble with the law. I just couldn’t support him and his addiction anymore. I wasn’t even asking him for all the cash he owed me. He just told on me to tell and he knew everything about my “operation” at the time. Maybe he didn’t know how much time I would have got but you believe me when I say I would have done at least 10+ years in the Fed. Joint. By the grace of God and other extenuating circumstances I got everything out of my house. Thank the Lord that when the SWAT kicked in the door all I had was two pounds of Dank (weed) in the house, I remember them screaming “Where’s the Heroin?” No one knew about the smack at that time in my life except 3 people… one was arrested with me and the other was my fiancé at the time. The third was him. It wasn’t until I bailed out of jail just to have my door kicked in again 4 months later. I finally got to my prelim trial and I got my Discovery, I saw the name in black & white. Yea, true story, police don’t give a shit about you and totally put you out there like that. Now I’ve been on the other side too. I was more or less facing prison, the detectives came several times to get me to flip… can’t do it…wouldn’t do it! I fucked up! Why would I work with the enemy and try to fuck up someone else’s life? I don’t wish this life on anyone. Shit I’ll do anything to get out of jail true, including shedding tears on the stand… but snitching is unforgiveable! So to that bitch that told on me, I once called you a friend, now all I have to say is… I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and rained on! But now the clouds have cleared… and I’m still here standing strong!



Anyways, sorry I got caught up in the moment! Back to loyalty. I used to think that friendship was defined by how long you were friends… “I’ve known dude forever, he has to be my friend...”BULLSHIT! Friendship is based on actions and situations. I’ve never asked a friend to hit a “home run,” just get in the box and swing. That’s all I ask! Being locked up has really opened my eyes to how many people still have love for me. I will be the 1^st to admit that I was a shit friend, the last few years. I stopped seeing the beauty in life and slowly pushed everyone out of my life. For this I apologize and can only look to the future and regain the friendships I once had. The support and forgiveness has been awesome! That’s loyalty… when you can lose a friend for years and not agree with their choice of life but know that there’s a good person inside, to stick with someone in their weakest moment… that’s loyalty!



Loyalty is everything!



Betrayal is unforgiveable!



I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face. Cause life goes on, even with the trial and tribulations, the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family and friends that let me use them as motivation!! And for those wondering if the old Doug is back, yes this is the rebirth of me. I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness, just keep looking, you’ll see!



Till Next Time,



Douglas