Raven

Written: 4/21/12

I watched a special on ABC tonight… it was on the street in LA called Sunset Blvd. It was a collection of 5 or 6 mini stories. For the people that don’t know Sunset Blvd. is a stretch of road that runs through Hollywood. Sex, drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll. The story that stuck with me was the one about a 15 year old girl named Alyssa Gomez, AKA. Raven. She was a little kid that had these black eyes… her eyes looked like she was 100. This kid was 15 years old, addicted to meth, selling her body, and living on the streets. I cannot even begin to imagine what this child went through in her short 15 years… I wish I could tell you that her story at least ended happily ever after, it didn’t. Raven was strangled to death and had her body dumped just behind Sunset Blvd. She had a boyfriend who was also addicted and was living on the streets. He managed to get cleaned up and leave the streets. Raven couldn’t/wouldn’t go get help. Once Jimmy (her bf) got his shit together he went back to her and tried to save her. She felt that she would just screw up his life, so again she refused the help… She was killed in cold blood because she truly thought she wasn’t good enough for happiness. That she wasn’t worth it.

I sat and watched this program, for 2 fucking hours, I kept cursing myself for turning on the damn TV but I couldn’t turn it off. I just sat there getting more and more upset. I was upset at everything I was pissed at the drugs. I was pissed at society, at her family, hell I was pissed at her… this baby girl who called herself Raven. The reason why I was so damn mad is because I understand… and with that understanding comes the truth.  They have to want it and I mean want it. For addicts, at least for me, what I want always  comes before what I need. I know getting sober is hard and you cannot  do it alone, but it has to come from within. It starts with the addict… after you can admit that you have a problem, tht you are powerless over drugs and that your life has become unmanageable. Then you can start accepting the help around you, and you can’t do it alone, at least I couldn’t. But that want to change has to come from within!

I myself believe in fate… I don’t believe that we are just living a prep-destined story but that we are given choices… a left turn or a right turn, if you will. What I’m getting at is, I believe I was put through these things that I’ve gone through because I was strong enough to handle them! Have I had moments of weakness? O-Yes! That’s why I know I could never achieve sobriety on my own. I was through all of this so that one day I could help others like myself. I am not trying to save anyone! I don’t have that power; I just want to show people that you don’t have to be a victim. Today as I stand and have the sun shine on my face, I can say “Douglas is no victim, today Douglas is a survivor!” ENDLESS mistakes, zero regrets! I now play the game we call life with my cards face up on the table… no secrets, no lies, no regrets! And guess what?! I’m still winning!

This post is for that girl Raven or anyone else that ever felt like they weren’t worth it.

With that I leave you with this…

At night I like to sit and write, hoping whomever reads it may gain some insight about my life and what it’s like. Pull something positive off these pages as I fight, hoping it reaches the masses, inspires and saves a life. They say you learn from your mistakes, but let my mistakes be your mistakes and learn from me. Sorta like reach one teach one. Why do we all have to fall to learn one lesson? Because like me most are stubborn and hard headed. There was a time when I strived to be the best that ever did it, just like then I still strive only now it’s for the better! For those who support me, I want to thank you, I need you to compete this recovery!

We are all worth it and deserve it!

Know that you’re all loved!

Always,

Douglas