Written 4/13/12
So of course the day after I write about my cuz0Abby, she
writes and throws me for a loop. The reason why she frustrates me is because
she sees things that are soooo true and until they are pointed out to me, well,
they go right over my head. She wrote this paragraph to me:
“I’ve noticed in your blogs that you seem to be slightly
torn. You are half criminal mind and the other part moving forward. I
understand that you are surrounded by criminals and have led this lifestyle for
a while, but I worry about the long term effects and you assimilating to
civilian life. Not all cops are bad, everybody makes decisions and you have no
control over anybody but yourself.”
I read that part of her letter 10 times at least… She’s right!
100% correct. I’m more than slightly torn; I’m right down the middle. Some of
my best friends are convicts or criminals. Shit, I am! You don’t have to
believe me but they are good people… People who would go to war for me. Before
I got locked up I literally had one friend in this world. He’s a real
player in the game, his name I will not mention because he still plays the
game, but you know who you are, and Bro, now I got nothing but love and respect
for you. You and I have done more work together than anyone else I know. Our
bond will be forever! But your partner in crime is now retired. I want
something else in this life. I’m done with it.
But Abby is right. I do believe all cops are bad. They’ve
never been out to help me, I don’t blame them, fuck, we play for different
teams. It was my job to break the law, and their job to catch me. I don’t know
if my view on police will ever change, right now I’m just focused on changing my
ways. They have no reason to chase me anymore. I wish I could just say “Yea, I’m
fixed. I’m a normal civilian, I agree with the government 100%.” I can’t! I don’t
know if I’ll ever fully agree with them. I guess in the end I’m always gonna do
me. I’m trying to change because I want to! No other reason, not prison,
not my family, or my friends. This is something I want. Don’t take that last
sentence out of context. I want to have a full life outside
of prison, I want to make my family proud, and I want to have
meaningful relationships with my friends. I guess what I’m getting at is… Don’t
worry all of you. If I wanted that life, best believe I’d go back to it. I get
why you all worry, “this shit” is just words, I know many of you are like me
and know actions walk and bullshit talks. You ain’t got to believe shit I say,
I’m just asking for that chance, that one chance to show you. The rest
is on you. None of this is for you; one thing I’ve learned about sobriety is it
is extremely selfish. It comes before everything. Without it I truly have
nothing. Without it I can’t love anyone, let alone myself. So don’t think of me
as an asshole for saying this but this shit is for me. Fuck the world, I’m
clean because I want this, I want to be happy. Plain and simple… I deserve it.
When I 1st got locked up I told myself I was
going to do this by myself or with everyone in my corner. Thank you, all of
you, for making this time easier. You all help me daily to stay sober, even by
questioning me or making me look outside the box. Just when I think I have
points A, B, C covered someone says well what about point D. And it makes me
look at the situation from a whole new angle. That shit is good for me and for
that I thank you all. I get it; those questions need to be asked. I may not
have the answer right away, but I’ll work my ass off till I figure it out.
Until I do have all the answers, I’ll just take it one day at a time!
Always,
Douglas
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