These scars

I have these scars on my arms… Right where my arms bend of course, they are from shooting up Dope for so long. They aren’t overly noticeable but yea, you can definitely pick them out. I have mixed feelings about them. On one hand they embarrass me. Being a junkie is not something I wanted but then again they are a part of me. I’m not ashamed of them and if people ask me what happened… I’m honest. They serve as my daily reminders, never again, never forget!

I just got some recent pics taken in here. I really never wanted pictures of me in here, but my family has a way of giving me “gentle pushes” towards doing something. When I sent some to my cousin I told her to update my Facebook with them. I figured it was time to get me with something besides dreads on there. I remember avoiding the camera the last couple years… Shit, I avoided mirrors too… From my poem/rap: “In the mirror my reflection was a stranger to me/When she was with me, that was me, that’s even stranger to me” I remember seeing myself in the mirror, ooohhh, my arms were so bad… black and blue tracks, from my shoulders down to my wrists. Putting cover up on my neck to hide the needle marks from there too… it was a painful sight. Before getting locked up I didn’t wear a short sleeve shirt for like 3 years. So you avoid things like cameras and mirrors. I’ve always loved getting my picture taken; yes I’m vain like that. But I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw, so I stopped looking. No I don’t like where I am but at least I know who I am again and I’ll take that any day. I like who I see again.

My scars are my war wounds, I will not hide them. They are a part of me and represent everything I stand for… my scars like my addiction will never go away but they do not define me. I understand I suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

I had a “bad” night last night. And that’s OK; they happen. The difference is I dealt with it in a healthy way. I knew tomorrow would come and I’d be alright. Then sure as shit when I got up this morning I had mail waiting for me from Justine Hornick. From the very start she put a smile on my face, see she made me look like a fool and I knew it. I have to remind myself where I’m at! This is a bad place where bad people go. She reminded me that there is more good than evil out there! That’s why I’m really trying to keep those positive forces in my life! I don’t need the negative people as the Five Finger Death Punch song “Remember Everything” goes… If we could change the past, would that change the end/You’d say that I’ll never change/But what the fuck do you know!?! I know people doubt me… That’s cool; I’ll kill them with success! J You don’t gotta believe my words, I probably wouldn’t either… I’m not asking for you to believe me, just give me a chance to show you, that’s all I really ask. Hell, I really think there may be people who don’t want to see “this Douglas” and that’s OK too. I hated who I had become, I was everything that I never wanted to be; still not the man I want to be but I feel closer and closer every day, that’s all I can ask for… I’m happy!

Peace, Douglas

P.S. 4/3/12: Great quote that Anna Marks sent me...fits this post perfect and I had this wrote days before I got her letter... Crazy.

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you!"

Thanks Anna! Love it!