High and Good-bye

Written 4/9/12

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about getting high. I am always waiting for that next high. I just pray it never comes!  Don’t get it twisted; I’m not going to go out and fuck off my sobriety! I’m too proud and focused for that. I’m just being honest here. This addiction thing is a bitch, even after being sober for 20 months and sitting my ass in prison, it still calls to me. It’s messed up because in AODA they call story telling (about high times or drug stories) glorifying. But every story I have in the past decade starts out… I was on this or I was so fucked up. I did everything high and I mean everything. I remember I was once on a 4 day acid/coke binge. So my guy P and I finally decide it’s time to get some sleep. I go lay in my bed and he crashes on the couch, it’s like 8 am. After lying down for about 10 minutes, I sit straight up in bed; I remembered I had something extremely important to do in 4 hours. I knew if I went to bed I was gonna crash for at least 24 hours. So I stager into the living room and say “Bro, I can’t go to bed I have to be at a funeral at noon!” So like any responsible adult, I dropped more acid and went to the funeral. And I didn’t even think twice about it. I truly believed I could do anything high, I believed it ‘cuz I did everything high. So you begin to think the addiction or drug use isn’t a problem. You just don’t see that it’s no way to live, that’s not living… that’s just existing. It’s madness. But that’s the problem with reminiscing. Every past memory has in one way or another to with drugs. So how do I get around it? How do I talk about the past without glorifying? I don’t tell these stories with the intent of bragging, like the acid story, that’s nothing to be proud of and I’m not but it happened and at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong with my behavior. It was just another day.

I am pretty stoked to finally get some sober memories. Even the visits I get here are wonderful. Katie VanDenPlas came and saw me a few weeks ago! We had a great 3 hours. To say the least she was super nervous and that’s to be expected. She didn’t know what to think. When I walked in, I walked right by her because she had her back to me. I hadn’t seen Katie in 5 years. She looked amazing, same pretty face as always with the personality to match! I don’t think I told her this but Katie, I was just as nervous! I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if you would be angry with me… Again, this whole forgiveness thing is hard for me! How can you forgive me, when I can’t forgive myself! But there was none of that. Only love and warmth came from you. For 3 hours I wasn’t in prison, I was with my friend, and it felt good. Thank you for giving me that Katie. HaHa funny story from the visit. So she and I are talking and all of a sudden her eyes get real big and she goes silent. She leans over and whispers… “Doug, that Mexican guy just looked at you!” and I go “WHO!” just then I look to my left and there’s my guy Marky Mark! Haha he was playing around and of course we start giving each other shit! But yes at 1^st appearance Marky can give off a different impression. I look back at Katie and she looks like a deer in the headlights. I swear she thought I was going to get stabbed or beat up right there in visiting! Haha Katie the look on your face was priceless! Man that shit made me laugh. Katie you haven’t changed a bit! That couldn’t make me happier!

I do know that I’m making great progress though. I’m in prison and I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I wake up and know that a needle doesn’t run me! This prison ain’t shit compared to the one I was in on the streets. I was told yesterday that my blog had hit the 1,000 views mark. That’s crazy to me! I remember when my cousin told me that I should start one, I did think it was a great idea, a way for me to one day look back on all this and remember what I went through! Never in my life did I think people would follow it. I hold nothing back in these posts. That’s why they are so rewarding! This shit comes from the heart; it’s generally done at my loneliest moments in here… late at night! Like, now its 2:58 am. Just me, my thoughts, and some music. During the day, I stay busy, I can go outside, go to the gym, library, or chill in the dayroom. But at night when I’m forced to stay in my 8’ by 10’ cell, well that’s when shit hits deep. These posts have allowed me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. It helps me process the day. By far the most positive thing I’ve done. I hope you can get a fraction of what I get out of all this. I know it’s just words but to me it’s everything. Thank you, everyone… for all the support!

Lyrics that give me hope. Unfortunately I can’t remember the name of the song.

-“I did my time in a windowless box… All I got left is today… Tomorrow ain’t here… And yesterday is dead and gone!”

Deuces,

Douglas