A Moment of Sadness

It’s 2:26 am; I do most of my writing late at night… I had no plans to write tonight. But tonight, well very simply I’m sad tonight.  I really can’t put a finger on why, today was a normal day. But for the last hour I’ve just sat here looking out my window, listening to music and am deep in thought. Hell, I don’t even know where I’m going with this… I’m just sick of being here, plain and simple I’m sick of the people I’m around. Don’t’ get it twisted I have people here that I call my friends, my cellie’s name is James but everyone calls him BG. He keeps me sane around here. He’s 29 years old He’s a champ at doing time! He has been down 11 years and has 18 more to go; yes he is down for murder. He was put in a position and it was either him or the other guy. Kill or be killed… he picked living, even if living meant a 30 year prison sentence. See I’m not sick of this like that I’m living because of the time I have left, I’m going to be home soon enough. It’s the mother fuckers I have to deal with daily, the people I have to live with. The decent people in here are far and few between. What I’m getting at are all the child molesters that I have to look at daily, the horrible details of their crimes that get talked about around here. You can’t not listen because in here you have to know who they are. If I told you the details of some of these monster’s crimes… man, you’d want to cry and puke all at the same time. Not to mention I’m at a prison that has SOT (Sex Offender Treatment) so they are everywhere! You know I can justify any crime, really I can! Even murder, there is a gray area for every crime except sexual assault and crimes against children. Many of you know my past when it comes to sexual abuse… I’s just hard and painful, to know how man monsters are out there. Thank God I have people in here like BG to have my back and can share a word of wisdom on days when I feel like my head is going to explode. I read a lot in here… I just finished the book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Great book. Don’t’ get me wrong… I loved it, shit I finished it in days. Tonight I started the sequel. As I was staring out the window, I felt tears going down my face… I’m just so sick of all the violence. It seems like it’s everywhere. Not only do I live it daily, but I then have it in my entertainment. I can’t watch Green Bay news because I am scared to death to hear something bad has happened to a loved one. And I’ll be helpless. Helpless is a bad feeling. I’m not trying to sound like a bitch that’s not my intention… life is great. I do know everything is going to be just fine, I just wish I could do more. I guess I’m just starting to truly feel again. Maybe I don’t know how to process things the “right” way. I’m trying though. Good, bad, or scary it’s just nice to feel. I feel no shame in crying, I’ve always been a sensitive kid and here in the dark it’s almost OK to cry. Almost. J

I don’t fear failure, I know I won’t. You can’t shit on my confidence, there’s not one thing I doubt about myself. I know who I am! Far from perfect but hell I wouldn’t want to be. I just want to keep my life simple and find real happiness, not that fake happiness that starts with a needle or a line but real happiness that starts with the little things, the simple things. Again life is simple; it’s us who make things difficult.

I guess I had to just get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Whatever it may be… I feel better. So I guess that’s a plus.

Till Next Time

Douglas