It's Time!

So I lied about that last post being my last one before I got home. The reason behind that is that I have earned ILU (Independent Living Unit). What it is is a separate part of the building that I have my own room and a bit more freedom, plus I can listen to the RADIO again. Rock my world! Also I get more time to write, so my urge to write is off the charts. Not to mention that I’m literally 20 some days from walking out of prison. 30 months of incarceration, 6 months of boot camp, and almost a lifetime of addiction. My emotional state is a 10 right now. My ups and downs are crazy, forget day to day… I can go from laughs to tears in a matter of hours, depending on the topic in that particular group.

I graduate on December 3^rd, right now I’ll be home anywhere between December 7^th and the 14^th, and it all depends on how fast my papers come back from the judge. Then I‘ll be on electric monitoring, A.K.A. the bracelet for 3 months. Meetings and aftercare treatment will be a huge part of my life. Work and becoming re-adjusted to free living will be my goals.

My plans are simple, yes; it’s still those small things that I dream of. The night skies, black olives, my loved ones by my side, and don’t forget some good music. I have also been in a recent depression the last 8 weeks or so… O’ how I miss my Packers! At least they are Division leaders, but I sure do miss my Green and Gold on Sundays. Soon, so very soon! Crazy thing is that I still haven’t seen the Super Bowl that they won two years ago. How sad is that?!!? Yes, I’ve seen many highlights but not the same. After the Pack won the Super Bowl I remember joking with my family saying “If I knew that all I had to do was go to prison for the Packers to win the super Bowl, I would have done it years ago!” J HaHa

I haven’t watched any T.V. for 5 months and I can’t find one thing that interests me what so ever so I just turn on the radio and write. I’d rather pick up a book than watch some of these programs.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving; the holiday season is going to be going full force, which is extremely scary for me. The holidays have always been a heavy using time for me, most of that has to do with my father. See, with my dad living so far away, I always knew when I would get a “for-sure” phone call from him, of course one of those special calls were on the holidays. To say the least it’s a hard time for me. By far, the areas of discussion that I bring up the most are about my dad. It’s been 12 years and my grieving just started, on an emotional level at least. The tears have always been there but the understanding on the “true” feeling side, was always covered up by drug use. I’ve gotten to so many underlying troubles… self-worth, resentment, and loneliness. At my young age I couldn’t understand how my father could take himself from me; was Heroin really that good? Was I not “good” enough? Questions that were extremely irrational and in no way relevant. But in my own grandiose thinking I thought I was the source of my father’s drug addiction, I thought that I had that kind of power. Just like I didn’t put a needle in my arm because of my father, he didn’t put one in his because of me. He did it for the same reason as I, because we both loved the high more than anything else. And that’s the truth, plain and simple; everything else was just a justification to use. It was the high, always has been.

Life this past 5 months has been nuts, I’ve met people just like me who truly believe in the sober way of life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met many who are here for the early release. Some of the most powerful moments here have been outside of the group, like on work crew, where I have a little more frustration to conversate. It’s then when the real person comes out, so easily could you talk about past “war” stories or how you plan on getting out to your old life. But to find a few people who are really tired of living in the clutches of addiction… well that’s special to me and each one of us are frightened beyond belief. Though now, there is hope. When we talk, we fantasize about sober living. The little things! How I and others have taken them for granted. The past 2 ½ years were the wake up, those were the positive and productive years, those years before when I was not living, only existing… those were the stagnant years. Now in 20 some days will be on a beginning, a rebirth, and a second and final chance at this life that I so badly want to achieve. My recovery will be first above all, that’s just the way it has to be. Without it, I am a failure and no use to anyone. In recovery the saying is “do the work,” and that’s what I plan to do. Recovery isn’t just a thing, it’s everything!

As I end one path to start anew, I’m at that pivotal fork in the road; no one knows what path I will choose. I can tell you the path I want and will take on the day of my release. But to say that this path is set in stone that I cannot do. That is not to be misconstrue, I will put my best foot forwards, al I am getting at is that the days of putting pen to paper and talking the talk are growing to an end. Then will begin the days of action, those will be the days I live for, the days of the real test, and I will be tested daily for the rest of my life. Scary? Yes, but I must keep going forward, in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “If you cannot fly, run. If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl. But by all means keep moving.” That’s my plan to put one foot in front of the other, this is a path I do not know, but moving forward and putting in the work is what needs to be done. The rest I leave up to my higher power and the serenity prayer.

To everyone who has stuck by me, Thank you! And for everyone waiting and wanting to see me fall well thank you too! In 20 days I can flash my smile and thank you in person. For it’s the starts of something new, something great. What it is, I do not know, nor do I care. It’s happiness that I strive for, true and plain happiness.

As I end, I leave you with “The Final Analysis.”

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway,

Give the world the best you have, and it may be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. –Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I read that the first day I arrived here, then it was just words, today they live inside me as a way of life. Things so simple and small, but then again… it’s those small things in life that need the most attention.

Thanks to all, please know that I have nothing but love and respect for you all!

Always,

Douglas

Fears In the Final Countdown

Never in my life has the statement: “It’s the final countdown.” Rang so true in my world. By the time that this is posted I’ll be right a 30 days. I have tons of fear, but I finally understand that I have two kinds of fear. I have the fear that lives in my head and then the fear that lives in my heart. Sadly the fear that was in my head always had to do with consequences… prison, creating victims, and loss of relationships on all fronts. See, when I was using my conscious went out the window along with those fears, as long as my needle stayed sharp… well that’s all that mattered. Yet, the fear in my heart was and is extremely powerful  to me. That fear is the fear of my own self-worth and ultimately my fear of death.

I bring up these fears because now that I have my sobriety, I see how fear can be used as motivation. I never want to be “that guy” again.

Today as I write this, I am healthier than I’ve been in years both physically and emotionally. I have in my life positive self-pride and have learned how important it is to be humble. All I want now is to live my life as a positive and productive person.

It’s hard to believe that I’m coming up on my 30^th month of incarceration. To me it’s not all sad and depressing. The sad part was the negative and wasted years of my Heroin addiction. At least in these past 30 months, I’ve learned, grown, and accomplished goals. You may ask what  in the hell could I possibly accomplish in prison… ha-ha well, if you truly knew how bad it really was you’d see how lucky I am to be writing this today.

So many days would go by and I would look out the window of my jail cell, cursing the position that I put myself in. But it happened and I was the person dealt with the consequences. These past years have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more excited about where my life is going. I’m ready to take the next step forward in my life and continue to battle my addiction in the free world.

Life for me will be very difficult and different for me in every way. My sobriety comes first… plain and simple. Also I must hold firm on healthy boundaries with all in my life. I have many goals that I will continue to strive for. It’s all so exciting for me! A chance I never thought I’d get again.

Every day I thank God that I had the chance to come to this program. My eyes have been opened time and time again; my drug use was only part of my problem. My criminal thinking played such a huge part in my life… really it still does. I battle daily with memories of the past, cravings, and reservations on things that I believe I can still do. Even reading my past posts, much of my thinking was still very messed up. My resentments and denial were huge defenses that I had built up. I see now that for myself to gain forgiveness, I must first forgive others. Is it easy? No, but seldom is anything that means anything in this world. I’m just saying I don’t want that hate in my heart anymore. These past 6 months have been the hardest 6 months that I’ve ever faced. I’ve dug deeper and worked harder on myself than ever before. My squad, squad #8, is my brothers! The 11 of us have laughed, cried, sweated, vented, and poured our souls and secrets to each other. Through them I see that I am not alone in my fears. They also give me hope and put an excitement into my recovery. I can’t tell you how powerful it is to have other people that you respect be excited about recovery and changing their life. It lets me know that I am not alone.

My journey will truly begin in 1 month; no longer will I have staff members watching my every move. No longer will I have groups forced upon me daily. I say forced because in one month I have the choice to never step foot into another group in my life if I don’t want to. But, the great thing is; now I crave these group settings I realize that I cannot battle this on my own and you know what? I wouldn’t want to. Seldom in my life have I felt power like I feel when I sit in a room full of recovering addicts and hear them share their pain. They share not only for their own selfish reasons but for the fact that they know that their openness may very well help to keep me sober, even if it’s just for that day.

The greatest thing that I’ve got from this program is the simple understanding that… my worst day sober is still better than my best day using. No words have rang more true than those!

This letter is just that… a rambling of my fears. I’m coming home a different person, a person that I’m happy to be and even proud of. But I’m still afraid; my fears come to the base of what if I fail? What if people don’t like the new Douglas? What if I’m looked at as a hypocrite? These fears may be irrational but they are real. Really I can’t do anything about those fears except face them. After all all you need to do is look at fear like so… F.ace E.verything A.nd R.ecover. That’s what I now do. I face it, I life who I am. I can finally say with pride the old me is dead and gone… now it’s just Douglas.

Thank you all for your support!

I will be home soon. I hope all is well with everyone. Take care and stay positive.

Always,

Douglas

Risk Taking is Free

To write in here is really messed up; I don’t get the same satisfaction as I usually do. Maybe it’s because I can only write in 30 min blocks and it’s hard for me to get my thoughts in order. But I’m doing my best to write again for myself.

Every day I have homework. I usually write essays about myself and how I relate to topics. Topics about my denial, resentment, and shame. Then the topics that really open my eyes… essays about me being a “King Baby” or how my grandiosity will someday kill me. They may sound like funny topics but they all have amazing truth to them.

The first two months here I tried playing a game. I was attempting to do my 180 days, a few pushups, and then go home. At about two month point I got into some trouble when a Sergeant here caught me talking and justifying much of my old drug use. Immediately I was put on “quitter status” and sat facing a wall for 5 days. Those 5 days turned my program around… see, I thought that I had done all the work in my recovery prior to coming here. I thought because I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to use that I was ready for the streets. I’ve gained more out of this last month than the 1^st two put together. I stopped and really took a look at my thinking. My thinking was still the thinking of an addict and a criminal.

I see now how my chemical dependency and thinking are one in the same. That’s something that needs to be under control before I enter society.

I talked about how I have fears about my emotions… well I’m definitely facing my fears, even if I’m not always willing. I’m taught the acronym for fear is F-ace, E-verything, A-nd R-ecover. I’m doing my best to live by that. I know a lot of this sounds like “treatment talk” but it works. It’s those tools in my life that I’ve longed for.

I’m 27 years old and I’m just starting my adult life… well my life as a responsible adult. A lot of guilt and shame goes into that sentence. To know how I’ve always taken the easy way or manipulated my loved ones is hard to face. My youngest brother Mitch just started his freshman year…haha I think back to my freshman year. J Heck, my high school years are something to reflect and smile about, for those of you who shared it with me… well you know why I smile. Those were some good years, years I never wanted to leave. For me the party kept going! Then when I finally stopped, I looked around and realized everyone was gone. That I tried so hard to keep those care free memories in my head that I neglected to take on any true responsibility. When it was all said and done, all I had was my addiction. My life then really falls apart and I earn my incarceration. It was then that people from my past started to write and listen to my writings. It was then that my outlook changed for the better! Not only was I excited and my future with sobriety, but I also began to see the good people again. I began to see the good in myself. A lot of that has to do with all the support that I have received. For that I will be forever grateful. Thank you all.

The streets approach quickly… maybe too quickly! J I know like all the other challenges of this journey, I will face them head on. Even the longest journeys begin with a single step.

For now I leave you with this… “It doesn’t matter where you’re from, but where you’re today.”

“Risk Taking is Free”

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.\To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom!

Only a person who risks……… is free!

-Author Unknown

It's Been Way Too Long

Received September 7, 2012

First off it feels great to put a pen to paper! I’ve been putting this off forever… I have been 100% focused on myself, ha ha not hard for me to do I’ve found out J But all joking aside, this program has been… amazing. It’s by far the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Forget all the physical aspects of the program; the mental part has me caught up in every emotion imaginable. The reason why this is so hard is the simple fact that I’m trying to change who I am and who I’ve been for so long.

As many of you know… I am happy to be clean but what the real issue is is my thinking. I’ve hung on to the idea that I could still live the lifestyle that I love without the using aspect… I’m realizing that I cant do that if I want to remain sober. So much of my thinking has come to light. To be honest, not only with others, but myself has been extremely scary. I’m learning about a lot of my ugly traits or even lack of traits. Such things as my own grandiosity, a trait I used to describe to myself as confident, but I took that characteristics to a dangerous level. Also the denial I have has been completely unhealthy. But that’s why I am here… I’m attempting to change my life. I’m truly grateful for my opportunity to come here. Yes, I hate every 16-hour day that I’m in this program, but I am learning and striving to be a new person. To live in reality is truly horrifying to me… for years I’ve lived in my own “safe” world… I called it D. Darby-land. Each day I learn how to break down a defense that I would have up to justify my actions of the past. I’m starting to heal and deal with the fact that I’ve been causing victims for years… I’m attempting to learn true remorse for what I’ve done.

It’s been a little over 90 days, half way done. In many ways I feel like I have such a long time ahead of me but in others I want to freak out because of how nervous I am to be put back into society. Am I ready? Will I be ready? Have I committed myself to change? Do I really want to change?... Will I fail?!?! Questions that I ask a 1000 times a day. Yet, only I have the answers. And only time will tell, for these are just words, actions will be the true testament.

I do miss everyone dearly! I wish I was able to write more but I simply do not have time, this letter alone has already taken me 3 days to write.

One of the most eye opening experience that I’ve talked about and tried my best to gain understanding of would be the acceptance on how close to death I was. I know, I know… I’ve written about this in the past but I’ve finally grasped what I went through. I now know that there are 3 different types of death. There is spiritual, emotional, and physical. I have been through 2 of the deaths and it almost brought on the 3^rd. I was so broken that I prayed that death would come, that it would come and take me from the pain. What I didn’t grasp was that I had caused this pain from my own actions. That it will be y actions that now ease the pain. To truly remember where I was… lying on he floor of a cell in my own vomit and crying, just praying to be taken from this Hell I was living. Death… would be a relief. But my Higher Power took over during those days. I had turned my will over. I was willing to accept help, real help to listen to someone else and look at all of my Demons. It took me coming here and understanding what it really takes to get sober… how much honesty it takes. There’s nothing easy about it, but I’m slowly putting the pieces back together. I’m not a changed man but I’m a changing man. That’s all I can ask for. For once I’m admitting my fears, and I fear myself, I know what a monster I can be.

Every day I become more confident in myself and not in a grandiose way. I’m letting go of my self-defeating pride and building my self-esteem. The tools that I’m learning are not just of recovery. They are tools to live a healthy life and I believe to live a happy life.

So I was doing homework today and a picture clicked in my head. The aspect of letting go of resentment. It was a light that showed me a path to my thinking. As I put together my denial, passive aggressive anger, resentment, and most of all my chemical dependency. I really start to see what kind of fire I had burning in me, the path to self-destruction was just a matter of time.

Every day, just like today, I’m exhausted. The rollercoaster that goes on here is 100% nerve racking but its all in the healing of myself. Writing this post has taken 5 days and I feel as I haven’t even scratched the surface. I want to tell so much more but at the end of my days, I’m not even in the right mind frame to write. I very much look forward to the day that I’m home and can reflect on this entire journey. From the start to the present it has been a crazy ride and who knows where the next step will be. All I know is it will be a step forward and in the right direction.

For now… this is where I’ll stop. I will write again when the time feels right. Thank you all for your support.

One of the most powerful quotes that I’ve learned here…”The truth often hurts, but it’s the lie that leaves the scar!”

Always,

Douglas

My Next Steps

Written: 5/16/12

I’m finally at my last stop before boot camp. They put me at Jackson prison intil May 30^th, then I go to St. Croix for 6 months. I’m staying focused and it feels good. Believe it or not, I’m excited to get some real structure in my life! My way of life obviously did not work! So I’m ready to try a new way. Any way but the old way.

Change is hard. Hell, even leaving my last joint was hard. There’s guys in there that I called brothers… some of them won’t see the streets for 10-20 years. Not only are you saying good-bye but there may be that chance of never seeing them again. Parole agents and the DOC are not big on letting ex-cons visit inmates. The words good-bye really hit home.

The good thing about Good-byes are they led to hello’s! The excitement I feel when I think of going home makes my stomach flip-flop.

I’ve had the hardest time finishing this post. I suppose it’s because this may be the last real post that I do for a while. During the next 6 months I am going to do nothing but focus on me. I guess what I am trying to say is good-bye for now. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but at the same time they have been some of the most rewarding moments that I’ve ever been through. I lost myself a long time ago and through this entire situation I have grown and healed along the way. I completely understand why I had to go down this road and I’m perfectly at peace with everything.

My path through this road we call life is just beginning and I’m ready for the 1^st steps.

I will write at least once a month to log my progress. Hopefully I can write more but really I don’t know.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out or kept me in their prayers. It means the world. I’ll talk and see you all by the 1^st of the year.

This is not good-bye, this is only the start.

Always,

Douglas

*A Message from Doug*

From Doug: Hi everyone! Thank you for all of the support I can not tell you enough how much it means to me. I am right now waiting to get into my program. I start May 30th. This program means a lot to me and I need to focus on me. So, I will be blogging still, but not as often as I will not have as much time as I have had recently. I am asking that if you want to reach out to me to please do it through my blog, on fb, or write a letter and save it (or send to Abby Abby Baumgart Hendrix to save for me). I can not wait to talk to you all and see you when I am done! Thank you. Always, Douglas

Showers and Random Thoughts

Written 5/1/12

Tonight was my last night of 3^rd shift sanitation work. I clean the showers at night. I’m trying to get back on a normal sleep schedule for boot camp.

My brother Mitch has been telling me for months now that I should tell this story… since it’s my last night working I will…

It was my first week on the job. On my unit there are two sets of showers, east side and north side. I live on the east side so I always clean ours first. I finished scrubbing the walls and floors, all I have left is mopping. So I grab the mop and head back to the shower. All of a sudden my feet come out from under me. I’m not talking about when you slip and catch yourself, this was the kind of slip when you are horizontal in the air and you can see your shoe laces. I come down… crash! Now I’m wet, I’m in pain, and most of all I’m pissed. I’m soaked head to toe and I know I have to still clean another shower. Plus I’m in pain. I just busted my ass in a serious way. Then it hits me! O-fuck… “Doug get up, who knows what you’re laying in!” AAAAAHHHHHH YUCK!!! Man, I still get the creeps. God only knows what I could have been laying in. Boy, was I then even more upset at myself. I get up and limp my ass out of the bathroom and the 2 guards are looking at me crazy! One smiles when he sees that I’m soaking wet and says “Rough day at work?” Haha fucking jerk… I had 3 or 4 four letter words that I would have loves to express to him but I bit my tongue and just nodded my head. Haha it’s funny looking back on it… actually… no, no it’s not! J

So the birds are out in full force, its spring so they are nesting. Now I’m not talking about pretty birds. I’m talking about garbage birds… Seagulls! If you have ever driven through Oshkosh on highway 41, then you have seen Oshkosh prison and right next to the prison is a landfill (garbage dump). Now the landfill is no big deal because its not in use anymore. They have covered it with dirt so it doesn’t smell or anything like that. But when it was open the seagulls took over and they are still here! Generations of birds and I’m not talking shit around here there’s thousands of these bastards! When a fox runs through the field and they all take off at once… well its almost intimidating… it’s like they block out the sun. And they are fearless! I wear sunglasses just so they don’t come at my eyes! Haha. Nah. I’m just playing about that but really its crazy how many of them there really is.

Don’t really know where I’m going with this blog… just kind of talking.

Next let’s talk crimes… if you remember I told you how I was locked up with every kind of criminal that you can think of. Let me tell you about a few on my unit that make me laugh. By far of the funniest have to be the dog fuckers… yes, that was fucker”s”… plural! Don’t know all the details… haha never asked. But I believe one sucked off a Doberman… ahahahahahahahaha! Aaaawwww that’s so funny! Forget the question on why you did it but my question is how did you get caught? Did the dog pull a Scooby-doo and say “rut-roe?!” J And they aren’t alone! Since being locked up I haven’t met another person who has robbed a pharmacy but love making with a pooch… 2 of them on my unit! Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone or hear a story and think “where are these people in the real world? Why don’t I see people like this on the streets?” Then you realize… o-yea they are in prison! Ha!

Yea I know this post wasn’t really about anything but haha made me smile! God, I can’t wait to get out of here! People are crazy… you really have no idea. They are nutz!

Peace out!

Douglas

Emotions

Written: 4/30/12

It’s really starting to hit me that I’ll be going home. I mean I’ve always had hope that I’d go home early. But I always told myself that programs are not for sure and you will then have to do your entire sentence. That would mean I go home Jan. 11^th 2015. Believe me I know I still have to complete this program but I know with every part of my being that I will not fail this program. So I’ll be home soon… really soon and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I’m having feelings that I haven’t felt in years. As crazy as it may sound… it’s the feelings of joy or even of love that is giving me the most trouble.

I’ve been able to deal with everything in here without batting an eye… all that time I was facing… no problem! Getting clean… hardest thing in my life but what made it easy was the fact that I wanted it. Even the tie I was sentenced to… day at a time, 1 day or 10 years, I’m going to do it and be better for it. But ow I have all these amazing people coming back into my life! I’m in contact with them through the mail and phone! I have this joy and excitement in my heart… it’s so overwhelming that it almost hurts. I can’t shake the feeling. Some of the letters I get… I read them 10 or 20 times.

I recently received a letter from someone who I was extremely close to. I haven’t been a part of this person’s life pin years… yet we picked up as if we hadn’t missed a day. When I heard her voice… it just made shit so real for me! Here we were making plans for when I got out, and it's not these hypothetical plans like it’s been over the last few years. I can finally put a date on these plans.

Holy shit! I am terrified! I don’t even know why or what about! Man, all I can do is smile and laugh; I shake my head and put on the radio.

Maybe I’m just realizing that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I just wasn’t feeding myself bullshit so I could make it through this place. Happily ever after might actually be a real thing!

Emotions1 Man they can be a bitch. All I can do is put it on paper… this is my outlet, my way of screaming.

I’m going to be a basket case when I get out. Haha. Again I’ll be fine… I’m just going to stick to the plan. Take it a day at a time and do me.

To everyone: Thanx for all the support and new emotion. Can’t wait to show you all how much it’s meant to me!

Always,

Douglas

Dreams

Written: 4/28/12

So I have been having these crazy dreams as of late! I’ve only started to dream in the last 20 months, see when your on dope you do not dream or at least you don’t remember them. I seriously went years without recalling a dream. Which when I first started using was a huge plus for me. After my dad died I began having these night terrors, for like 2 years I would have this reoccurring dream every night. It would take place on a split screen in my mind. In one screen I would watch my father in the final moments of his life… I would watch him pace back and forth in the room getting more and more upset, I would see him hang the rope, and even stand on the stool. On the other screen I would be watching myself run franticly throughout the house I grew up in. My father was in one of the rooms, I knew what he was doing and I was trying to stop it. Door after door was a dead end, until I came to the last door, by this time my father was putting the rope around his neck. Then all at once I would be in the dream, I wouldn’t be watching it. It always ended the same, by the time I forced myself into the room… well I would be too late… he’d be gone. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and have tears coming down my face. I would have this fucking dream almost every night. I tried talking to people, even doctors. They would recommend different things but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped talking about it. I would actually be afraid to sleep. Then I started getting high, and the dreams stopped. It was great; I thought I had found the answer.

Right after detox I began dreaming almost right away. They were amazing. I personally dream in color and these dreams were so amazing and vibrant. I had forgotten how great dreams could also be. Plus Im locked up, so now they were my escape.

Eventually I began to dream about prison, well not so much about it but the setting was always here. Since finding out that I will be going home soon, I have been dreaming again about the outside world. The 1^st one I was shopping at the grocery store with Anna Marks. Haha strange I know. A few nights ago I had my 1^st relapse dream in a long time, I was at some kind of marijuana contest, a lot of the dream didn’t make sense but I remember getting hish and I remember drinking a bunch of methadone (an alternative to heroin that a Dr. prescribes to help with your addiction. I was a patient at the methadone clinic for about 18 months… Horrible place, that just builds your tolerance… government regulated heroin… great idea!) Anyways, I knew in my dream that I was fucking up. So I left and on the street I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Sara Beggs. I’m telling her how I fucked up and didn’t know where to go. She told me not to worry and that she would be there for me. Then last night I had an amazing dream that I was at a wedding. No idea who’s but I was there alone. I was checking in and a woman came up and put her hand into mine, as I looked up, I recognized her instantly (a blast from my past if you will). She looked into my eyes and asked if I needed a date. Her eyes were so intense. The dream continued and at the end I shared a kiss with her. As crazy as it sounds… it felt real. Then I woke up and finally acknowledged how mysterious and wonderful dreams can be. The good, bad, and painful… they hold lessons in them. In the cold world that I live in now they can bring warmth. Or they can serve as a reminder of how I never want to feel again… The shame I felt in my dream as I was getting high… Man, I was sick with it when I woke up… I even had to bring it up at my NA meeting. Like anything in this life you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest.

When I dream… I’m not here! I’m with friends and family. Even if it’s only for a few moments, each one is worth it, even if it means I have to take the chance on having one that involves me trying to save my father… I’m done running, I’m done hiding. I’m finally ready to put these dreams into motion… I don’t have time to be scared anymore!

Always,

Douglas

I'm Coming Home!

Written: 4/25/12

I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

I know my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven all my mistakes.

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

Tell the world I’m coming home!

-P. Diddy

So as of 8:30 am today it became official. I’m coming home! Ha! I will be home in 7-8 months. Bootcamp here I come. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Super nervous but really I’m just happy… You couldn’t get me to stop smiling if you hit me with a bat. I’m cutting off 2 ½ years… how great?!

My mom and bro Andrew came and saw me today! Mom had lots of tears but these were different tears than the ones I’ve seen the last 2 years! Man, it’s been almost 2 years… a hard 2 years, but by far 2 very rewarding years. The crazy thing is the test has just begun. Now is the time when I’ll sink or swim. This is the start that I’ve been waiting for.

Tonight I saw how hard all this has been on everyone involved… the innocent ones… how hard its been on “my little ones” my siblings. They didn’t do a damn thing except stand by their big bro… I saw relief in my bro’s face tonight. He looked like the 16 year old kid he should be. Since I got locked upp… he has been carrying this invisible weight, a worry! Is my big bro OK? Is prison like the movies? Will he be home to see me walk across the stage at my graduation? Will he take pics at my prom? For the 1^st time in 2 years he didn’t have that! We sat and laughed, we ate pizza together tonight. We bugged my mom on how we both like that girly ass pop song, call me maybe! Haha. We are dorks, I know. But we have fu. That’s all that mattered. That’s the shit that has made this 2 years wirth it. Even when he had to hear about people doubting me or wishing bad n me. He had to man up and grow up. So did my other brother and 12 year old sister. Yea some people tried to shit on me but they stepped up and showed maturity beyond their years. When they saw their big brother down they were the ones to pick my face out of the mud and dust me off. They told me that this to shall pass. I couldn’t have done it without you kids… thank you! I love you all more than you’ll ever know!

To everyone else that sent your comments to either me or my mother… Thank you. The support has been great… makes all the hard times worth it. When my mom got off of work today, she didn’t even know I had received my program but she had 20 messages letting her know. It made her day!

I’m not going to lie… I’m on cloud nine and for the 1^st time in a long time I’m having trouble expressing myself! So I’ll just say this… can’t wait to see everyone. It’s the final count down!

I’ve weathered the storm, was knocked down and even rained on but now the clouds have cleared. I’m still here standing strong with the same smile on my face cause life goes on. But don’t get me wrong I’ll never forget the trial and tribulation the near suicide attempt or the time I was facing. I’m just thankful to have a solid foundation, family, and friends that let me use them as motivation. And for those wondering if the old Douglas is back, yes! This is the rebirth of me, I’m better than ever just wait and see… I’m destined for greatness.. Just keep looking… you’ll see!

Let the ride begin, I’m ready this time!

Always,

Douglas

Change

Written: 4/24/12

Do you believe that a person can change? I do and not because I’m incarcerated but because I believe in the evolution of man. If one has it in his heart that they no longer want to be what they’ve become then who am I to tell them they will never be anything other than what they were. I’m sure we’ve all done some things on our past that we’re not proud of… but we learn from our mistakes. Now some of us may have done somethings that are more serious than others but all in all... they’re mistakes, and you shouldn’t be defined by your mistakes. But by what you do to make sure you never make those mistakes again! So don’t just focus on one’s past, look at the present, then make your judgment. You just might be shocked at what they’ve become!

It’s Monday, and like every Monday I have NA. Last month was my 18 months anniversary of my sobriety. 18 months… 545 days. I can honestly say that it seems like yesterday. I’m not saying that this time has just been flying by… it hasn’t, but I never thought that the reward of sobriety could start presenting itself so fast. A few days ago, it was 4/20. That date used to be my X-ma! It was a date that I truly looked forward to. This year it came and passed. Now of course plenty of people made comments throughout the day and many others in here even celebrated it. See weed was a touchy subject for me even when I got sober and decided that I wanted to change my life. I used to sit in my NA meetings and think to myself, “well, I can still smoke weed if I want. I never had a problem with weed!! BULLSHIT!” My drug problem started long before I ever became a junkie. Now I am still pro medical marijuana, I know how marijuana can help the sick. To be perfectly honest I know plenty of people who can smoke and live normal lives, they are wonderful parents, hard workers, and productive parts of society. I myself am not one of these people. I just can’t do it… For me it’s not a question of relapse. If I pick up that 1^st drug, just 1 time… well it’s over for me. They say one I too many and a thousand is never enough. That saying couldn’t be more correct for me. Even if I thought I could just smoke some weed… I know how I am; my good judgment and defenses go right out the window. My tattoos can be a testament to that statement. My tattoos had nothing to do with being young and stupid but everything to do with being high. Like I said in pat posts I couldn’t just get high, I had to be apart of everything that had to do with drugs. I was addicted to the lifestyle… from the drugs themselves, to the clothes, the jewelry, the music and concerts, my dreadlocks, hell even my vacation spots. I will forever be a fan of jam band music… O-how I miss Dispatch, Dave, Panic, Yonder Mountain, or Keller Williams. I’ll forever hold my memories close to my heart… hell I can’t tell you how much I miss my dreadlocks! But that me is gone… I can’t live that lifestyle anymore because it turns into something more… it turns into something that 99%of the people reading this has never seen… I go from free spirited Hippie Douglas to a monster… I turn into a junkie. And with that there’ ns no happy memories… I don’t have the music, the good times, or the friends. All I have is my dope and my needle. Because when you’re a junkie that’s all you need. So no more weed, no more dreads, no more hippie lifestyle. It’s time for a fresh start 100%. Not only can I not partake in that lifestyle but I cannot even be around it. That old me is dead and gone.

So fuck 4/20 I have a new date to celebrate 9/10/10. It’s my sober date… my rebirth. It’s just a day that’s mine and I couldn’t be more proud to have it. Who would have ever thought Douglas Darby would have a sobriety date? I sure didn’t. I sure didn’t think I’d be proud to have one either. But I am.

Soooooooo, do you believe a person can change? I do.

Always,

Douglas

Priceless

Written: 4/22/12

No price is too high to pay, for the privilege of owning one’s self…

Not only have I met friends in here but I’ve met people e who I consider brothers. They are made up of a group of men who have much different backgrounds than I, while others understand what it’s like to grow up in the suburbs. These guys don’t look at societal background, they don’t look at color. We have an understanding between us, we are all locked up doing time. I have a saying in here… Partners in crime, Brothers doing time. These gentlemen are my brothers… They whole heartedly understand what ts like behind these walls. They understand that I want to do good when I get out, many want the same thing. One such friend just left last week after being locked up for 10 years. His name is Torrey, but everyone including myself called him Cooper or Coop. Cooper didn’t want to go back to the streets, he wanted a better life for himself and his son.

Before Cooper got out, I told him I’d do everything in my power to help him adjut to “small town” living. The way I thought I could help him most would be trying to set him up with a job interview, not a job but an interview.

I talked to Cooper tonight for the first time since his feet hit the free world. I was super stoked to hear that the interview with my dad and him went well. I had already talked to my dad a few days prior and already knew about it but I wanted to hear his version! Coop went on to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated everything… I had to stop him short and thank him myself. At first I think he was confused by this but I went on to explain. I put myself out there with asking my dad to do this favor for me. See my dad and I have most definitely had ups and downs in our relationship. But for the first time in a long time I feel like he’s proud of me. My dad really showed me that by giving one of my brothers in here a chance. Not a guarantee, but a chance. He showed that he was ready to put some trust in me. I saw something in Cooper that you don’t see in just anyone in prison, I saw a drive, he knew that it was going to be tough when he got out. He wasn’t afraid, nervous of the unknown… maybe, but never afraid. He just needed a chance. Cooper I have given you nothing but my friendship. You will earn everything else. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy, but I think you already know that. I wish you nothing but the best my guy… I look forward to continuing our friendship in the world.

Tonight was very rewarding to me! The past with my dad has been really hard, our relationship was not healthy. I made mistakes ad so did he. Neither of us handled things well. It was late Jan. 2011, I was in Dodge awaiting sentencing in my new case. It was around 7 ppm and they were coming around with mail, they passed my cell and slipped a piece of mail through the door. Excited I grabbed the envelope and turned it over. There was an embossed envelope with the La-z-boy emblem on it… At once I felt sick. It was my 1^st contact with my dad since I caught my case and here he was reaching out to me. See when I got locked up I really thought “well, this is it, any progress that I’ve made lately is gone.” I knew in my heart that he was going to finally wash his hands of me… his fuck up of a son. So I opened the letter and after that 1^st line all my worries disappeared. In my hand was a letter from the man who raised me. I’ll always remember that 1^st line. “Douglas, this letter is long overdue. I want you to know how much I love you and want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t do something sooner.”

Tonight was a reminder of everything that I’ve gained since being locked up. A reminder of the most important thing in my life… my family. One family, One love.

The relationship I have with my family is absolutely amazing. That relationship really starts with my mother. The things that both her and I have been through could only be described as nothing else but special. My mom and I are extremely close, almost too close! Haha. Boy I wish I had some secrets from her. I’m a momma’s boy 100%. I will forever be her little boy! And I’m OK with that. She has always given me my strength and confidence, has always had my back, even when I was wrong. Don’t get it twisted she could be tough too! All she has to do is look at me wrong and I’ll put my hands up in surrender. Some people in my past have used the words weird or even sick to describe her and my relationship. Thinking back to those comments well I can only laugh. My mom is great in every way… I couldn’t be more proud to call her mom. Has she been one of my enablers? Yea, probably, but you got to understand… I was one hell of a manipulator! I know when I bled, she hurt… When I smiled, she felt joy and so on. I can’t fully describe our mother/son relationship but after everything is said and done, well, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

I may be back but with everything I’m going to achieve, none of it would be worth it without my family by my side. We all lost sight of that at one point in time. But let’s forget the past, we were all wrong at one point and time. And we most certainly handled it wrong. Even after everything we still stand as a family. Let’s never forget that!

Love you all so much!

Always remember… one family, one love!

Always,

Mom- Your baby boy

Dad- Your golden boy

Douglas

Raven

Written: 4/21/12

I watched a special on ABC tonight… it was on the street in LA called Sunset Blvd. It was a collection of 5 or 6 mini stories. For the people that don’t know Sunset Blvd. is a stretch of road that runs through Hollywood. Sex, drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll. The story that stuck with me was the one about a 15 year old girl named Alyssa Gomez, AKA. Raven. She was a little kid that had these black eyes… her eyes looked like she was 100. This kid was 15 years old, addicted to meth, selling her body, and living on the streets. I cannot even begin to imagine what this child went through in her short 15 years… I wish I could tell you that her story at least ended happily ever after, it didn’t. Raven was strangled to death and had her body dumped just behind Sunset Blvd. She had a boyfriend who was also addicted and was living on the streets. He managed to get cleaned up and leave the streets. Raven couldn’t/wouldn’t go get help. Once Jimmy (her bf) got his shit together he went back to her and tried to save her. She felt that she would just screw up his life, so again she refused the help… She was killed in cold blood because she truly thought she wasn’t good enough for happiness. That she wasn’t worth it.

I sat and watched this program, for 2 fucking hours, I kept cursing myself for turning on the damn TV but I couldn’t turn it off. I just sat there getting more and more upset. I was upset at everything I was pissed at the drugs. I was pissed at society, at her family, hell I was pissed at her… this baby girl who called herself Raven. The reason why I was so damn mad is because I understand… and with that understanding comes the truth.  They have to want it and I mean want it. For addicts, at least for me, what I want always  comes before what I need. I know getting sober is hard and you cannot  do it alone, but it has to come from within. It starts with the addict… after you can admit that you have a problem, tht you are powerless over drugs and that your life has become unmanageable. Then you can start accepting the help around you, and you can’t do it alone, at least I couldn’t. But that want to change has to come from within!

I myself believe in fate… I don’t believe that we are just living a prep-destined story but that we are given choices… a left turn or a right turn, if you will. What I’m getting at is, I believe I was put through these things that I’ve gone through because I was strong enough to handle them! Have I had moments of weakness? O-Yes! That’s why I know I could never achieve sobriety on my own. I was through all of this so that one day I could help others like myself. I am not trying to save anyone! I don’t have that power; I just want to show people that you don’t have to be a victim. Today as I stand and have the sun shine on my face, I can say “Douglas is no victim, today Douglas is a survivor!” ENDLESS mistakes, zero regrets! I now play the game we call life with my cards face up on the table… no secrets, no lies, no regrets! And guess what?! I’m still winning!

This post is for that girl Raven or anyone else that ever felt like they weren’t worth it.

With that I leave you with this…

At night I like to sit and write, hoping whomever reads it may gain some insight about my life and what it’s like. Pull something positive off these pages as I fight, hoping it reaches the masses, inspires and saves a life. They say you learn from your mistakes, but let my mistakes be your mistakes and learn from me. Sorta like reach one teach one. Why do we all have to fall to learn one lesson? Because like me most are stubborn and hard headed. There was a time when I strived to be the best that ever did it, just like then I still strive only now it’s for the better! For those who support me, I want to thank you, I need you to compete this recovery!

We are all worth it and deserve it!

Know that you’re all loved!

Always,

Douglas

I'm On the Front Line

Written 4/20/12

I’m on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

SO long to the regret

And now I know that I’m Alive

Im on the front line

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

The story is just beginning

I say good bye to my weakness

So long to the regret

So now I see the world through diamond eyes!

-And again just some great lyrics…

Over and over I’m asked the same thing… what’s it like in there? Prison is a world of its own. Right now prison is my life that’s the reason why so many of my blogs have to do with prison or the reason why I ended up here… For me its hard to write or even think about the real world. I know the real world exists but to me it does not. Hell I don’t even dream about the real world. I dream about people from it but all my dreams are in here or in the yard! Fucked Up! These blogs and your responses are about as close to the real world as I get. Where I’m living it’s not the real world, you pay rent in the real world. Haha. It’s crazy because within these walls is a fully functioning “mini city.” It has everything from schools, library, hospital, police, fire station, laundry, restaurant, main kitchen, sanitation crew, maintenance, and politics. And every type of religion and church. Plus all the support groups that you can imagine. But in this city you have rules that the DOC (Department of Corrections) govern and then the rules of the convicts. You could even go as far as saying there is another set of rules that has to be followed because of all the different gangs. The thing is you have to play by all the rules because the penalties can be equally as dangerous just in different ways and on different levels. What I mean by that is.. you follow the un-said rules of the convicts/gangs because the guards cannot protect you… even if they wanted to, and trust me they don’t. Then of course you have the DOC rules, the hard part with them is they can change from guard to guard. Now for the inmate that has nothing to lose those rules don’t matter as much, but on the flip side of the coin it’s the inmates that “have nothing to lose” those are the ones who strictly enforce the convict code… It’s nothing to an inmate who still has 20 years to do to beat the hell out of you for a simple disrespect. Respect is EVERYTHING! Man, I cannot stress that enough. People do not play in here. A simple slip of the tongue can earn you an ass whooping. There are a few words you can never call someone in here unless you’re ready to fight and if you’re called that name and don’t do something about it… well that’s exactly what you’re looked at as in here! The 4 big ones are bitch, punk, pussy, or fag. Those are automatic fighting words.

Now for someone like me… I’m trying to go home early, to go home early I have to get into my programs but if you have a minor ticket, let alone a major, well that shit can derail you. And if you go to the hole… well you can just go ahead and push your program date 6 months to a year back. So I walk a thin line I don’t look for drama and I’m truly trying to mind my P’s and Q’s around the guards. Plain and simple I’m trying to go home. Just trying to do my time and go home. I pray that none of my loved ones or friends ever have to fully understand “this life.” Because it’s no way to live, right now I just exist like I’ve said in other posts… I’ve never feared for my safety. It’s way more of a mental struggle. Some can handle it. Some can’t, just like in real life.. It comes down to choices…

Before I forget, everyone wants to know how the food is… I’ve had better! J Haha its prison so no it’s not great but I’ve also had worse like Brown County Jail by far the worst time I’ve done was my time at Brown Co. Jail… aaaahhhh horrible in every way.

I tell you what though, if you can’t take something away from this than you’re not trying. I deserve to be here. On those fateful days I broke the law and put the fear of God into some innocent people. I was not nice and did scare the hell out of those pharmacists! I will forever have guilt in my heart for scaring those poor people. This is what it took for me to see how far I had fallen. I’m living and seeing days that I never thought I’d see! Above all, I keep on smiling because life always offers you a second chance… it’s called tomorrow. (Thanx Jenni J)

Just another day, as always I remain myself and take it a day at a time!

Always,

Douglas

Impecable Timing Tom

Written: 4/17/12

I am reminded daily on the meaning of friendship ad hope. How amazing it is to have friends. Tom Campbell sent me a letter today and after the day I had yesterday… well his letter really helped me. I didn’t even realize how deep his words were until about an hour ago when I was working. Now by this time I have already written Tom back and put the letter in the mail.

The reason why… it hit me in the heart is because Tom was a great friend of mine. I even lived with him and his family my senior year. Tom was also one of the 1^st people that I pushed away. See Tom has this way of seeing bullshit and even worse he’ll call you out on it! If anyone has ever had an argument with Tom, you know it’s like banging your head against a wall. J When I was getting high… arguing with anyone was out of the question, because it would ruin my high. I sure thought Tom would be that buzz kill… So I pushed him out of my life. When he first sent me a message on Facebook, I was shocked. I wrote to him and today I got his response. Like I said after a day like yesterday, he really put all of that into perspective and he didn’t even know it. He wrote this line saying “Anyone with an ounce of character will see through the past transgressions and be willing to build a future alongside you. If some people are holding onto grudges year after year, that’s their business. I wish them luck, that’s a lot of baggage to carry around. The people who care about you were the people that knew and loved you prior to rough times. You know who those people are… we both do!” Man, did those words hit me in the heart. Just what I needed to hear. Thanx brother.

Its comments and support like that that I finally understand where and who I should turn to in times of need. I know that I will have ups and downs. I just feel better having people in my life that have my back no matter what!

I will cut this short. I just wanted to post this to show that even the cloudy days have a bright spot to them. It’s those little things.

Always,

Douglas

My Response

Written: 4/16/12

Man, what a day! Prison can be a powerless place to be. Today was a day when I had many emotions, many of them I felt two or three times just at different point of the day. I had to wrestle with myself over and over on whether or not I wanted to write this blog. Everyone that I talked to just told me “to leave it alone” or “she’s just looking for a reaction!” Well, Abigail if that’s true… if you wanted a reaction out of me, or I should say if you wanted to hurt me, let me be the 1^st to say congrats! That shit you posted about me on your Facebook crushed me!

Your 1^st quote from T-Pain, you called me a punk bitch who’s getting fucked in prison… HaHa that shit I can live with. Well even laugh at! I mean come on I have teenage brothers that come up with more clever shit than that! But you saying “Hey P. Farbs good luck on yo 12 years stayed imposed sentence.” Not going to lie, that shit cut deep. You’re really going to wish bad on me like that? You’re going to hope for me to do another 12 years on top of the 3 I’m already going to have done? That’s fucked up! And it’s even more fucked up because you yourself just caught a dope case; you’re going to wish more prison time on me, when you just caught a class D felony plus two more lower felonies? That class D felony is a 25 year max, sweetheart, that’s no slap on the wrist!

Abs I haven’t even spoken to you since August. I’ve stayed out of your life, wished you nothing but happiness and then you put your Facebook back up and take shots at me like that. I really don’t understand. Did I really hurt you that bad? I’m the 1^st to admit I was a shit boyfriend; I made more mistakes than I can count and told more lies than I care to admit. What makes you the maddest? Or was it that I used to cut your Heroin? Extremely selfish on my part! This I know. My cards are on the table… I’ve apologized over and over and again from the bottom of my heart. I’m so sorry. I don’t ask for forgiveness, I probably don’t deserve it. All I ask is that you keep my name out of your mouth! Do you realize that you may be walking into prison right around the time I’m walking out? I may be the only person in your life that truly understands what you’re going through, and what you may go through.

Hell Abby, this isn’t even how I wanted to say all this… but your family wouldn’t give you my mail even if I did send a letter, they’ve proved that. So since you made it apparent that social networking is how you’d like to throw shots, well this is my response.

Things went bad between us that I get! But at one time you were my Bonnie, I was your Clyde. We did every crime together, except the pharmacy robbery… It was us against the world! We were partners in crime and love! There was even a time when I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me… I asked you to be my wife… and you said yes. Things change O.K., but Abby I want you to go find sobriety, find happiness! I still wish nothing but the best for you and truly wish things were different, but they are not and I cannot change the past! Sometimes love just isn’t enough! I don’t want a damn thing from you… nothing. You’re going to do you no matter what and there’s not much I can do about it. You’re going to do what you wanna do and say what you wanna say. So do you! I’m just trying to move forward with my life.

I’ve said my peace in this letter… your business is yours, let mine be mine. I know this letter will probably piss you off, just like your comments hurt me! You know what? That’s OK because it’s great to feel pain and anger, let’s you know you’re alive! And I couldn’t be happier to know that tomorrow is going to come. I’m finally ready!

So since you like quoting rappers, let me quote 2-Pac… “Hell, I ain’t mad at ya… got nothing but love for ya!” Abby take inspiration from the music, use it to build you up... You really want to tear me down or anyone else for that matter?

Take care Abigail and stay positive, always remember… the good times! You won’t take me up on my offer but if you need anything and I mean anything... I’m here. You know where to find me. Be safe!

Best wishes,

Douglas